


Drunk In Love

by aintIpretty, leonardodicaprio



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Alcohol Abuse/Alcoholism, Cocaine, Drug Use, Engagement, Established Relationship, I Don't Even Know, M/M, amazing boyfriend zayn, blame beyonce and liam standing on a ledge, engaged louis and harry
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-05-12
Updated: 2014-06-17
Packaged: 2018-01-24 11:18:50
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 59,182
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1603247
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aintIpretty/pseuds/aintIpretty, https://archiveofourown.org/users/leonardodicaprio/pseuds/leonardodicaprio
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>“Zayn, oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.” Liam rushes out, throws his stupid briefcase down, and attempts to wrap Zayn up in a hug, the boy only pushes him away.</p><p>“No.” Zayn shakes his head and sniffles. “No, it’s a big fucking deal, Liam. Just cut the shit, you’re only sorry you got caught, the minute I turn my back you’ll just find something else to fuck up your life with.” Zayn shouts with angry tears blurring his vision, he almost enjoys it. The way Liam resembles his old self through Zayn’s hazy, wet eyes.</p><p>Or, Five years full of adoration and dedication and Zayn thought he'd have more than an alcoholic boyfriend to show for it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is what was born from a stroke of genuis stemmed from the wonderous AintIPretty (George) all the way back in December I think it was. Anywas enjoy, or don't, I'm honestly just amazed that I managed to finish this with a fraction of my sanity left.

It started innocently enough. Liam liked going out and Zayn preferred to stay in, Liam liked his old school mates and Zayn preferred to not be within a ten mile radius of them. So every other weekend Liam would go out, get spectacularly wasted at some seedy night club and come home to Zayn passed out on the couch waiting up for him and they’d smile sleepily at each other while Liam, albeit not very gracefully, carried Zayn off to bed where they’d fall asleep in each other’s arms. 

 

However getting back at one and still being a little tipsy has turned into getting back just as the sun is rising with a drink somehow still in hand and Zayn has quite frankly had enough. Surprisingly enough he still likes to spend time with his boyfriend of five years but when said boyfriend is constantly at the office or out clubbing it’s hard to find time together. Gone are the days when Zayn would come home to Liam cooking dinner with the home screen of Batman playing on the tv, waiting for them to curl up on the couch together and make out like teenagers for twenty minutes before pressing play. 

 

Zayn went along with it too, people change and luckily Liam was still a decent person, just a little more rough around the edges but that didn’t mean Zayn loved him any less, it meant he learned to love the knew bits of Liam. Learned to grow acquainted with Liam’s newly shaved head then Liam’s newly styled quiff and it’s a bit silly but Zayn really does miss those wild curls that used to adorn Liam’s head. Zayn learned to appreciate Liam’s new wild side as well, even though that was mostly his mates’ doing more so than Liam’s decision but still. It was nice to see Liam so excited about life, unlike the worried and shy boy he fell in love. 

 

Character growth and all that, Zayn gets it and he loves Liam, more than anything but still he thinks it a bit of a problem that Liam is still getting drunk off his arse every night while Zayn is thinking about marriage and settling down and kids in his every waking and sometimes sleeping moments. It’s just, he’s nearly twenty six and if he wants his life plan of having children by the age of twenty eight then he needs Liam to get down on his knee and pop the fucking question so they can get married already and adopt or find a surrogate mother. Zayn’s done the research, these things take time and sadly it’s not like he can just lure Liam into bed and ‘accidentally’ get him pregnant because of anatomy and all that stupid shit.

 

If he could just get those fuckwit friends of Liam’s to _go somewhere_. They know full and well that Liam’s a committed man that needs to be home at least once a week and yet they drag him out nearly every night to take shots of cheap liquor until they pass out. He doesn’t understand why Liam can’t just hang out with Louis and Harry if he wants to get away for a bit because lord knows Zayn won’t go near the two of them, Harry and his stupid fourth finger wrapped up in a vintage golden band and Louis with his stupid need to throw the word _fiancé_ into every fucking sentence. And he’s happy for his friends, it’d be entirely too cynical of him not to be but it’s like salt and lemon juice and every other horrid, stinging thing to his wounded heart when he has to be around them.

 

He’s trying to be happy about things, he really is but it’s hard not to feel like Liam is choosing his friends and alcohol over Zayn. And it’s hard because Zayn didn’t think he’d ever want to commit and settle and here Liam is, five years into making Zayn do just that and he doesn’t even seem to give a shit. He doesn’t appreciate Zayn, doesn’t ever say thank you. Like dinner just magically cooks itself, like the toilets just magically scrub themselves clean, like Zayn is just going to magically fuck himself when Liam tires himself out by staying out all night because he’s got another thing coming if-

 

“Zayn, uh. Y-you alright mate?” Niall is peering into Zayn’s eyes, prying something out of Zayn’s hands and _oh._ Wonderful, that’ll be one crumbled and freshly squeezed stupid fucking bran muffin coming out of his paycheck.

 

Niall smiles brightly at the customer who is clearly a little disturbed by Zayn zoning out and sends the lady on her way with a new muffin and a cup of coffee free of charge. Leave it to Niall to fix things with a sunny smile and a wink, if only that sunny smile and wink could drive Liam’s friends out of town; out of England, preferably.

 

“Wanna go for a smoke break?” Niall asks, still eyeing Zayn cautiously.

 

“Yeah. Sure.” Zayn blinks and pats his jeans. “ ‘course you forgot your fuckin’ lighter.” He mutters and sighs loudly, checking his pockets once again as if it will magically appear.

 

“S’alright, I’ve got mine.” Niall wiggles the object of interest between his fingers and leads the way out of the back door excitedly. Niall does a lot of things very excitedly for someone who has to wake up every morning at five am and serve coffee and baked goods to the entirety of London’s morning rush.

 

They lean against the cold brick of the alley wall and light up in silence, Niall taking two whole long drags before talking which is a personal record. Zayn closes his eyes and let’s Niall talk all about his eventful morning and he’s ninety nine percent sure that the kid needs to be on ADHD meds of some sort but that would take the fun out of things so he doesn’t ever mention it.

 

“So how’s the mister?” Niall nudges Zayn to bring him back and he has to sigh before answering.

 

“Same as he was four hours ago, Ni.” Zayn smiles tightly and takes another drag, tries to will away the memory of Liam stumbling in and trying to get Niall, who had fallen asleep while he and Zayn had their typical 80s movie marathon, to do after party shots with him then proceeded to pass out on top of Zayn but not before drunkenly berating the two of them. 

 

“Sorry.” Niall mutters and twists the toe of his shoe over a still burning cigarette on the ground.

 

“Hey, at least it’s not drugs right?” Zayn offers lamely and gives himself a belittling laugh. Niall, being the special thing he is, cracks up into a full belly, cackling laughter which manages to pull a small genuine smile out of Zayn.

 

The words haunt Zayn that night when he shuffles back in from a double shift, bones aching and body yearning for some paracetamol. He goes to open the mirror turned medicine cabinet in the guest bathroom and a box of nausea tablets falls into the sink. Zayn didn’t even know they had such a thing and- And Liam would be equal parts stupid and orderly to put his weed in the medicine cabinet, the little baggy staring back up at Zayn as he peeks inside the oddly light box of meds. He’s not angry at Liam for smoking a joint no, that would be hypocrisy at it’s finest. He’s fucking livid because Liam is hiding it from him and keeping secrets from Zayn, the man who he’s meant to love and be wholly honest to. 

 

Zayn takes three deep breaths, clenching his teeth and gripping the edge of the bathroom counter before snatching his phone out of his pocket and dialing Liam’s number angrily. He doesn’t get angry often but Zayn’s absolutely seething when the phone clicks and Liam answers sweetly. 

 

“Hey babe! How about an early night after I finish up this spread I’m doing. There’s this really good Italian place some people were talking about today before the meeting.” Liam suggests innocently.

 

“Oooh, I don’t know _babe_. Not sure that’s such a good idea. You see I’m feeling a bit queasy, we have some stuff for that right? In the guest bathroom?” Zayn’s voice is eerily sweet with a deadly bite to it, Liam’s line goes completely silent.

 

“Yeah that’s what I thought, get home and sort yourself out.” Zayn spits disgustedly and flushes the offending drug down the toilet, regrets doing so briefly when the idea of smoking it all before Liam gets home comes to mind seconds later.

 

Zayn isn’t actually all that mad, it’s just weed. He only needs to use his scare tactics so Liam never even dare thinks about lying to him again. He’s just scared really, with Liam putting himself in these situations. One week its ‘the guys just sneaking into the park after closing’, the next drugs, and after that Liam’s dead in a ditch somewhere and honestly, Zayn wishes he were over reacting but with all the stupid shit Liam’s been getting into lately the odds of it all happening seem to be getting more likely every day.

 

He’s sitting on the couch with his head in his hands when Liam barges in and Zayn can’t help but to burst into tears of frustration because who is this guy, standing in his doorway with deeps bags under his eyes, his suit a twisted mess, and his knuckles a collage of scabs from whatever fight or drunken tumble he’s taken. Surely it’s not his Liam, his beautiful innocent Liam with bright eyes and his whole future ahead of him, giggling softly with Zayn wrapped up in his arms as they whisper about all the great things they’re going to do together. And god does the thought that that was only a short year ago hurt like hell.

 

“Zayn, oh god, I’m so sorry. I didn’t think it was that big of a deal.” Liam rushes out, throws his stupid briefcase down, and attempts to wrap Zayn up in a hug, the boy only pushes him away.

 

“No.” Zayn shakes his head and sniffles. “No, it’s a big fucking deal, Liam. Just cut the shit, you’re only sorry you got caught, the minute I turn my back you’ll just find something else to fuck up your life with.” Zayn shouts with angry tears blurring his vision, he almost enjoys it. The way Liam resembles his old self through Zayn’s hazy, wet eyes.

 

“Fuck up my life? Really? What were you doing all those times behind the bleachers rolling a joint when you should have been in class? Huh?” Liam asks condescendingly and Zayn rolls his eyes so hard he can almost see the way they used to be.

 

“We were kids! That was high school, we weren’t even together then and if we had been I would have at least given you a heads up ya know? ‘Hey I’m going to get high I’m not actually bleeding out on a fucking sidewalk somewhere!’ And I didn’t ever try and hide it from you, even when we were just friends!” Zayn makes his argument, shoulders rising in anger and Liam grinds his jaw in defeat.

 

“Look, I’m sorry and I mean it.” Liam childishly shoves his shoulder into Zayn’s as he passes him and walks towards the bathroom.

 

“I flushed it, but please, if you’ve got another stash you’re checking up on then by all means-” the words are torn from Zayn’s mouth when he storms after Liam into the bathroom to find him dumping out box after box of ‘meds’ into the toilet.

 

“VIP pass to that club you hate, old credit card I use to break into places with,code to the hotel we sneak in to _,_ number of the guy who sells us weed, MDMA.” Liam lists off the pieces of paper and plastic as he flicks them into the porcelain bowl along with some candy colored pills and Zayn looks on horrified.

 

“You could have gotten arrested!” Zayn shrieks and shoves Liam’s chest. “What were you thinking ?! You’re an adult now, _Liam._ This stuff will go on your permanent record and I’m not entirely sure about you lately but I’d actually like to have kids one day. You think an adoption agency is just gonna sign a baby over to some criminal?” Zayn’s crying again, fear and betrayal taking over his every emotion. He’s tugging at his hair in frustration and Liam grabs his wrists and holds them gently.

 

“I got rid of it all babe, it’s all traveling far away in the pipes by now.” Liam moves to hold Zayn and Zayn lets him, too weak to fight it. “ I was being stupid and immature and I’m sorry.” Liam rubs the back of Zayn’s head from where it’s buried in his strong chest and wonders how he even got into the position to jeopardize their future in the first place.

 

“I just want us to be happy, I just want you to be okay.” Zayn whimpers and clings to Liam like he’s going to literally slip away.

 

“I know. We’ll be okay. I love you, Bambi.” Zayn’s heart flutters thinking back to the first time the two had ever spoken and Liam had slipped up and called him Bambi followed by a very deep blush and stutter filled explanation of ‘ohmygod, sorry, your eyes just remind me- and I didn’t know your name- so I was calling you-ohmygod I screwed everything up.’ 

 

“Love you so much.” Zayn replies fiercely and cries into Liam’s suit some more, squeezes his shoulders like he can’t get a tight enough grip and murmurs nonsense into Liam’s neck.

 

“C’mon, let’s go to bed.” It’s only four thirty but Liam scoops Zayn up and places him gently on their queen sized bed, closes the curtains, strips them both down to nothing, and crawls in beside him.

 

It’s all silent promises and gentle caresses, Liam tracing his fingers lightly up and down Zayn’s forearm thats curled up into his chest and damnit if he doesn’t get goosebumps. His body memorizes Liam’s touch and responds just as quickly as the first time their skin met. The passion is darker now, no more fiery kisses and exciting new places to touch and to be touched. It’s all desperation and wondering if these are the last chances they’ll ever get, hopelessly clinging to memories.

 

Zayn watches Liam’s lids grow heavy, struggling to open just a peek more then closing again as his breathing steadies, his chest rising and falling in a soothing pattern. Zayn traces circles onto his bare torso, little hairs rising at the stimulation and Zayn smiles to himself at the sight. If they can go to bed still loving each other after this, they can make it through anything. They made it through living off of pot noodles and student loans, made it through their first fight over something stupid that they both can’t remember, made it through thick and thin and they’ll sure as hell make it through this little blip.

 

Zayn hums that stupid song that played on their first date until the sun goes down, flicks off the bed side lamp, and snuggles closer into Liam’s chest before falling into a deep sleep, Liam’s heady scent of murray mints,coffee, and cologne filling his senses and soothing him to rest. “I love you. So fucking much it’s stupid.” Zayn murmurs one last time for the night and kisses right over Liam’s heart.

 

xxx

 

Zayn wakes the next morning to the usual tent in his pants and the not so usual wide awake Liam next to him. Usually he’s passed out until nine o’clock when he has to get up and rinse off before rushing to work, Zayn long gone before him. One of Zayn’s favorite things in the world is to wake up to find Liam looking up at him in a sleepy trance,the  love in his eyes shining clear in the early morning light. It reminds him of when they first got together that summer before college when Liam’s parents were naive enough to believe they were just friends. Zayn would spend every sweltering morning in Liam’s arms being kissed awake and every humid night cuddled under Liam’s sheets while the boy sung him to sleep after they made love with hands over each other’s mouths to keep quiet. 

 

Zayn chuckles to himself when he thinks about the way Liam decided to tell his parents he had a boyfriend and that that boyfriend was Zayn.

 

“I’m so glad Liam has a friend like you and won’t be alone, take good care of my baby for me, Zaynie.” Karen, Liam’s mother, had grabbed his cheeks and pleaded him to take care of her little boy as they loaded their bags into Liam’s car, the excitement of college awaiting them.

 

“He’s not my friend, Mum. Zayn and I, we’re in um. He’s my boyfriend. And I love him, so please...” Liam had gotten out brokenly, voice cutting off with fear.

 

Geoff,Liam’s dad, had simply laughed, Karen giving a small smile. “We know ya doughnuts, you two really are rather obvious...and loud.” Ruth, Liam’s sister, had spoken cheekily and motioned to their linked hands to prove a point.

 

Liam had been so fragile then, so scared and innocent with his ironed khaki chinos and plaid button ups. His baby smooth skin and need to make sure everyone around him was happy as they could be. Zayn just can’t trace back to the root of the problem. Since the minute he and Zayn stepped foot outside of Wolverhampton up until a year ago when Liam started and never seemed to stop his weekend bender, Zayn can’t place anything that would cause him to change so drastically. Yeah, sure, college and university were a time of new found freedoms but Liam was always sensible and responsible and wouldn’t ever let a little peer pressure drag him down and Zayn remembers being so fond of Liam for that when they were in secondary school. 

 

Zayn’s broken from his thoughts by a pang of pleasure coursing through his body and a choked moan escapes his lips as his eyes fly open. Liam’s got his plump lips wrapped around Zayn, hand covering what his mouth can’t quite reach and he’s whining and moaning around him like having Zayn’s cock in his mouth is everything he’s ever wanted. Zayn curls his toes and threads his fingers through Liam’s hair, pulling and massaging and grasping for dear life. These little breathy _ah ah ah_ ’s keep finding their way past Zayn’s lips and rightfully so, Liam hasn’t touched him like this in ages. A week give or take but still. 

 

Liam’s mouth pulls off of Zayn but only to press a hard kiss to his lips, Zayn’s hips bucking at the friction of Liam’s stomach rubbing against his cock as he roams over Zayn’s body. He half expects Liam to tug him off and be done with it but the boy stands up and reaches an arm out to a confused Zayn. 

 

“C’mon.” Liam encourages,  sticks his hand out again and motions his head towards Zayn’s leaking cock then towards the bathroom. 

 

Zayn nods breathlessly and reaches out to Liam. They haven’t done this in at least a year, taken so long and put so much effort into something as petty as morning sex. And yet here they are, Liam pressed up against the cool tile of the shower, hot water pouring down on them and kissing Zayn desperately, like his life depends on it. Zayn breaks away breathing heavily for a moment then presses one last bruising kiss to Liam’s lips before he sinks to his knees.

 

The water sprays and clings to Zayn’s eyelashes as he bobs his head up and down and Liam stares in amazement, gently thumbs away at the beading drops of water on Zayn’s eyelashes then moves his thumb down and rubs over Zayn’s cheek to feel himself. Zayn pulls off with a slick pop and pumps Liam a few quick times, stands back up because he can’t help but want to kiss Liam, anywhere really. He tongues his way back up Liam’s stomach, tweaks his nipples and kisses over his collar bones, leaves a few trashy love bites that Liam says he hates but Zayn knows he secretly loves to look back at. Liam sucks harshly on Zayn’s neck in return, blows over it to sooth the pain then kisses the spot tenderly. 

 

“ _Liam._ ” Zayn gasps as he’s spun around swiftly then hoisted up onto the wall, back pressed firmly and a tad painfully into the tile behind him. 

 

Liam wraps Zayn’s legs around his waist then pulls the boys neck down so their lips meet fiercely, tongues running over bottom lips and hands roaming over backs. Liam reaches between the two to palm at Zayn’s cock, thumbing over the head as Zayn’s jaw slacks in pleasure, breaking from the kiss to throw his head back in ecstasy. Liam lowers one of Zayn’s legs down, keeps the other hoisted up around his hip so he can crowd into his space and place his forehead against the cool wall above Zayn’s shoulder.

 

“You gonna come for me, Bambi?” Liam whispers hotly in Zayn’s ear and that’s all it takes before he’s clenching his jaw and screaming out Liam’s name as he spurts white hot all over the boys hand and stomach.

 

Zayn’s vision is still prickly and his head is swimming but he still manages to back Liam up towards the opposite wall and drop back down to his knees again. Licking at Liam and tonguing over the head and pumping him as a series of profanities and Zayn’s name rolls off his tongue. It doesn’t take him long at all, Zayn only has to lick from base to tip once more then take Liam in his mouth and he’s coming in thick spurts down his throat. Liam’s face scrunches up at the pleasure coursing through his veins, eyes rolling to the back of his head and mouth falling open as he comes down from his orgasm. 

 

Zayn has a picture of Liam’s ‘O’ face tucked away somewhere, from that one time they got spectacularly wasted at one of Louis’ parties the same night Liam got Zayn a fancy new camera with his first  real paycheck “For when we’re old and can’t remember jack shit.” Liam insisted the camera be used to document birthdays and important dates but Zayn ended up documenting mostly Liam; during sex, cooking dinner, watching tv. He was going to give the photo album he put together to Liam as part of their five year anniversary gift but felt too attached and a tad bit embarrassed to part ways with it, leaving the album tucked safely in a box labeled “ _zayn’s art shit”_ under their bed.

 

Zayn swallows the salty bitter taste of Liam and guiltily thinks it was easier to do when the boy used to get on his health kicks and only ever eat fruit and organic shit. It’s just another reminder of how everything is changing, something as frivolous as the taste of Liam’s spunk has Zayn silently wishing he could rewind and run away with Liam before things got bad. And they’re not even bad, Zayn can handle Liam at his worst and if he wants to go out a few nights of the week then that’s his decision. Things are just different and Zayn wants nothing more than to go back to the days where Liam would beg him to go to the aquarium then spend the whole afternoon giggling into Zayn’s neck and talking about how when they have kids he’ll bring them to the aquarium at lest once a month.

 

They wash each other’s hair languidly and the water went cold far too long ago but Zayn just presses even closer into Liam’s chest and wraps around him like a koala. They’re both shivering by the time they get out and Liam wraps Zayn up in a fluffy towel then goes to get one for himself out of the linen closet. Zayn takes a minute to appreciate the view of Liam’s toned back and water slick ass as he leaves. He comes back with chattering teeth and Zayn smiles fondly then opens up his towel as a welcoming for Liam.

 

“You better hurry up and get warm, I’ve got to be at work in thirty minutes.” Zayn says regretfully, kisses Liam’s temple to sooth over the news that they can’t stay in bed all day.

 

“Mmm how ‘bout a bring your boyfriend to work day-” Liam picks Zayn up and carries him back to the bed, tossing his work shirt at him “and you can make me a nice cup of coffee to warm me up yeah?” 

 

Zayn looks at him a bit hesitantly, a small wary smile playing at his lips. Honestly, the last time Liam put this much effort into spending time with Zayn was the day before all of his stupid little friends came to town. Liam had called into work sick just so he would be able to go with Zayn to some art show that he couldn’t have cared less about but knew it meant the world to Zayn.

 

“As long as you don’t harass the customers.” Zayn lays out the conditions and Liam gives him a winning smile, running to the closet to get dressed and ready to go, he comes back out a minute later with a simple pair of jeans,a white t-shirt, and some Timberland boots that Zayn saved up for for weeks in college and Liam wore them nearly every day their junior year telling anyone who didn’t ask ‘My boyfriend got them for me’ with starry eyes and a dazed smile. Zayn really wants to fuck him. “And you have to fuck me in the break room.” 

 

“Got it.” Liam checks and makes a dash towards the nightstand, pulling out a condom and a couple of sachets of lube and stuffing them in his back pocket.

 

Zayn smiles bemusedly and tugs his dark red work shirt over his head and slowly makes his way to his dresser while Liam bounces up and down by the bedroom door excitedly. He debates even pulling on a pair of briefs before remembering that Niall’s taken to pantsing him lately and decidedly puts on a pair of black ones then steps into his dark jeans. His hair is still soaking but he’s already gotten laid once today and has been guaranteed a round two so he doesn’t bother with anything more than a quick towel dry and a bit of hair wax to keep the frizz away.

 

They take the tube and walk to the coffee shop, holding hands the entire time. Liam wrapping a protective arm around Zayn when they step out onto the dimly lit platform, only letting go so they can walk up the stairs. The streets are still fairly empty, the morning commuters not quite up and ready yet. Liam takes the opportunity to crowd into Zayn’s space and kiss up his neck and it’s overwhelming. Liam hasn’t been this openly affectionate in so long and Zayn misses his touch so much he could cry, and he would too but he knows his eyes will still be red and puffy when he gets to the shop and Niall will ask him if he’s okay every thirty seconds like the last time he caught Zayn crying in the bathroom the first morning Liam didn’t get back until Zayn was walking out the door to go to work. 

 

Zayn pushes his thoughts aside and tries to focus on responding to Liam’s attention, giggles and playfully swats the boy away halfheartedly, nuzzles into his side. It’s sweet and innocent, Zayn basks in the attention. He knows he shouldn’t let his guard down so much, should talk things through with Liam but ignoring their problems is so easy to do with Liam acting like his seventeen year old self. 

 

“Babe,” Liam says casually “ I love you.” he sighs and Zayn’s mouth quirks up a bit, eyebrows furrowed.

 

And it’s not like he ever began to doubt it, he sees the glint in Liam’s eyes still, the same  fiery passion that’s overwhelming and calming all at once. He knows Liam loves him and he loves Liam, it’s just lately it’s like they’ve been on the back-burner, work and their separate lives becoming more dominant but Zayn had always assumed that that came with settling down. They’re secure, have been for a while, instead of constant ‘i love you’s it’s quick kisses before work and knowing how and when the other wants their tea instead of having to ask. 

 

“Um, I love you too, Li.” Zayn gets out slowly, he briefly wonders if Liam wants something because the last time he said those words for no apparent reason was before he asked if he could go out with his mates all those months ago.

 

“Say it again.” Liam murmurs, slowing their quick pace and nudging into Zayn.

 

“Liam, I love you even more than I hate that I have to go to work this morning instead of cuddling you.” Zayn tries and he thinks he sees Liam’s eyes flutter for a moment.

 

“Mmm, I’ll love you... longer than the sun will burn.” Zayn smiles and lets out a shaky breath because this is how things ought to be, silly declarations of love not late night crying sessions when one pushes the other too far.

 

“I love you as much as-” Liam reaches down to adjust himself and Zayn freezes, eyes widening “Are- are you getting off on this?” he asks in a rushed breath and it was a stupid question, honestly, he knows Liam and he knows the look in his eyes means he’s one more breath away from a hard on.

 

Liam shrugs, a dirty grin on his face and it’s all so absurd Zayn let’s out a hysterical laugh. It’s hot in a completely fascinating and odd way and he’d totally go for it if they weren’t standing in front of the entrance to his workplace, the sight of Niall exiting the kitchen visible through the glass door. 

 

“I love you so much I’m willing to sit through three hours of grumpy people in suits getting a caffeine fix just so I can fuck your pretty arse in the back room on your twenty minute break.” Liam crowds Zayn against the brick wall to the left of the entrance, talks into Zayn’s neck and leaves a wet kiss in between every few words. “Now come on Bambi, don’t wanna be late!” Liam backs away chipperly, like he didn’t just seduce Zayn into a dazed mess.

 

He’s hot all over, like Liam’s words set his blood on fire and he’s got lightning coursing through his veins. He feels light headed with it all, has to take a few breaths before reaching a hand up to knock on the glass a few times. Niall, the paranoid bastard he is, insists on locking the door after opening up which Zayn thinks defeats the purpose but as long as he’s not the one that has to come in early to bake all the sugary pastries that somehow qualify as breakfast, he’s not going to complain. Then it hits him. Niall.

 

Zayn hadn’t even realized how this might be awkward for Niall, considering the last time he saw Liam included Liam passing out right after accusing Niall, who is happily involved in a heterosexual relationship and solely dedicated to The V, of wanting to get in Zayn’s pants. They’d talked about it, more so Zayn apologizing profusely and Niall telling him it was no problem and admitting that if he ‘were into taking it up the arse’ that he’d definitely go for Zayn. Liam hasn’t mentioned it again, Zayn assumes he blacked out and forgot about it entirely. 

 

“Hey, buddy!.” Niall greets Zayn, pulls him into a hug, “Oh, morning Liam.” Niall grows significantly quieter and gives Liam a simple head nod.

 

Liam’s arm wraps around his hip, squeezing possessively and pulling Zayn into his back. Zayn shrugs him off a bit, not exactly looking to start work with a semi. Niall unlocks the door and sets up the chalkboard sign outside, it has the shop’s seasonal drinks listed on it that Zayn wrote the previous day, adding a few doodles for embellishment. Zayn flips the florescent open sign on and ties his apron around his waist, mentally preparing himself for the morning rush. 

The shop is still waking up, fresh coffee brewing and ovens in the back beeping and ready for a new batch of muffins to heat up. Liam takes in a deep breath and sighs in appreciation for the mix of wonderful smells wafting through the air as he takes a seat up at the counter, the bell of the door chiming as customers begin to flood in.

 

Zayn goes through his shift, handing over coffee and muffins with a blank face and a dull ache in his balls. Liam keeps making eye contact with him from where he’s perched on his stool, writing incredibly crude messages on his napkins and crumpling them up  and throwing them at Zayn who giggles like a teenager with a crush in response. They used to do this all the time, visit each other at work and try their hardest to distract the other. Liam never has to try though, Zayn’s attention is always on him even when he’s not around. 

 

He needs to be next to his boy and if that means bussing tables then so be it.  Usually Niall’s responsible for wiping down the tables and tidying the coffee station but Zayn eagerly volunteers himself. In addition to getting closer to Liam, who’s been patiently waiting, the morning rush has been extra rushed and shitty today and Zayn would really rather not be on the receiving end of sour looks and death glares for the last thirty minutes until his break.

 

He grabs the damp towel and practically sprints from behind the counter and to the nearest crumb filled table. It’s not that he hates his job, he’s indifferent really, could live with or without it but he refuses to become Liam’s trophy... whatever no matter how much the boy insists his income from the magazine company can support the both of them. Plus, watching Niall being his loud and train wreck of a self makes for good entertainment. 

 

He’s only cleared half of the tables off when he feels Liam’s warm chest press into his back, long arms circling around him and big hand covering Zayn’s as he moves the towel across the table. He barely refrains from giggling when Liam nuzzles into his neck, sniffs in his scent, and hums happily. And Zayn will be damned if there’s no better feeling than being wrapped up in Liam. To feel his arms encompass Zayn and the slight scratch of stubble when Liam kisses the back of his neck, squeezes his bony hip and murmurs _fifteen minutes_. 

 

Of course this is the exact moment Louis bleeding Tomlinson decides to make his entrance which includes a very loud greeting to the entire shop of “Good morning London and wasssuuuuuup!” tongue gestures included. There really isn’t much more Zayn could say to describe Louis other than he threw great parties in college until Harry Styles walked ungracefully into their lives and Louis turned into an eerily happy and mushy bastard who feels the need to keep up pretenses and still act like a sarcastic little shit around everyone. He’s great really, even though he’s the reason Zayn nearly failed his first semester because he was too busy reading comic books and becoming best mates with Louis. 

 

Zayn sighs and straightens up a bit, knows that the hurricane that is an angry Louis is about to hit land because Liam’s around and the two aren’t exactly on good terms after the third time Zayn called Louis crying because it was two a.m. and Liam still hadn’t come home. He braces himself, grips Liam’s hand and counts down from ten with his eyes closed, he’s made it all the way to six when it happens and honestly that’s some sort of record for Louis and his lack of patience.

 

“Zayn, my favorite human being, just who I wanted to see!” Louis greets and gives Zayn a hug. “ _Liam._ ” Louis sneers, disgust clear in his voice and Zayn winces. 

 

“Harry was just in his yoga class so I figured I’d pop in for a visit and a cuppa. Didn’t expect to see you.” It’s like he’s having two completely different conversations, tone bright and cheery and directed towards Zayn then dull and snippy and clearly aimed towards Liam. Zayn wants to applaud and smack him upside the head all at once.

 

“Well my break is actually in just a few and Liam and-”

 

“Perfect!” Louis quips. “I figured we could talk about the other night. Liam, you’re probably bored here anyways. Why don’t you get home and get started on a nice well deserved dinner and draw a bath for Zaynie when he gets home yeah?”  and had those words come from anyone else’s mouth they’d be a simple suggestion but this is Louis Tomlinson and they were definitely non-negotiable commands.

 

Liam huffs out an annoyed breath but remains calm nonetheless and Zayn will absolutely be rewarding him for that tonight. 

 

“Right, well see you then, babe.” he leans in for what Zayn expects to be a quick kiss but Liam lets it linger, biting Zayn’s bottom lip only to pull away and look into his eyes sincerely, “I love you, Zayn.” Liam murmurs, goosebumps raising on Zayn’s skin and just like that he’s out of Zayn’s sight, the ringing of the bell on the door echoing in his mind.

 

“What the hell was that?” Louis hisses and Zayn swallows his pride, it was only a few nights ago he was crying down the phone to Louis and telling him he felt hopeless, scared that his relationship of five years was coming to an end. 

 

“We worked things out.” Zayn shrugs and picks up the tub of dirty dishes and turns on his heel towards the kitchen. He’d rather wash dishes than have this conversation and that in itself speaks volumes.

 

“Don’t you walk away from me and you sure as hell aren’t gonna play _that_ card again are you? How many times are you gonna have to ‘work things out’ before you realize it’s not worth fixing?” Louis is practically shrieking.

 

Zayn clenches his jaw, kicks the kitchen door open and slams the tub of porcelain dishes into the industrial sink with a loud clank that make Louis flinch. And when the hell did Louis think it okay to just follow him into an employees only area. 

 

“Damn it Louis, not every relationship is rainbows and fucking butterfly tattoos.” Zayn adds just to piss Louis off, knows that taking a blow to the gigantic moth on Harry’s stomach will effect him more than taking a blow to anything of Louis’ own.

 

“No need to be a dick about it.” Louis mutters “Point taken but honestly, mate. What’s it gonna take? You can’t just keep accepting his crap or he’s never gonna change his ways. I mean you’ve been together for almost six years, don’t you think things ought to be at the next level by now?” Zayn looks at Louis in disbelief because he has no right, no matter how great of friends they are.

 

 “Liam and I are just going through a rough patch, so I really do apologize for not being engaged like you and I’m really fucking sorry that my life didn’t align with yours. Just grow up and stay out of my relationship! ” Zayn shouts and in any other establishment he’d be fired by now but Niall gets it, thankfully.

 

Louis, who Zayn has seen progress from a  neon colored skinny jean clad twink to a punk tattooed fifties hipster to a man settled down and ready for kids. Louis, who Zayn fully expects to shout right back like a pissed off pixie just stands there with a hurt, sympathetic expression on his face.

 

“Is that what you think this is about?” He questions softly. “Zayn, I couldn’t give a shit about that stuff. You’re my best mate, I’m just worried about you and rightfully so. I don’t care if you wake me up every night with a phone call ‘cause you need help but I do care that you’re stuck in a relationship with someone who treats you like shit and I know not all relationships are the same but I don’t really think any couples’ ‘rough patch’ should last an entire year.” And that’s the thing about Louis, the way he can go from utterly over dramatic to completely rational in seconds. It’s what attracted Zayn in the first place, Louis being a challenge to keep up with, not just some boring guy he would hang out with every now and again and forget once college was finished.

 

“We’re gonna get through this, we love each other.” Zayn tells Louis, himself. He feels like he’s going to throw up with how little even he believes his weak voice. “He’s getting better about things, he didn’t go out last night.” Zayn offers hopefully, it sounds good out of context, when he leaves out the details of finding drugs and crying each other to sleep.

 

“I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to- Please cheer up, mate. You look like a kicked puppy.” Louis’ wall of defense breaks and he pulls Zayn into a hug, rubs up and down his back soothingly.

 

“I’m just scared.” Zayn whispers into Louis’ neck.

 

Scared is an understatement, he’s terrified. He’s absolutely frightened that the last five years he spent with Liam were all a waste, that this is all getting too far out of reach and he can’t control it anymore. Can’t pretend that this is normal because having to watch the man you love waste his life away with reckless abandon is torture. It’s like they’re each holding on to opposite ends of a rubber band and the more Liam drifts away, the more it’s going to hurt when the band snaps. 

 

He’s never felt like this with Liam before now. Being wrapped up in Liam’s arms has always calmed his anxiety but now it seems to magnify it. Zayn’s always looked to Liam for security and protection and to think he’s the one that could hurt him most is scarier than anything he’s ever been through. To think that one day he’ll wake up and Liam won’t be there and that one day that will become his norm makes Zayn lose sleep, keeps him up so he can watch Liam sleep peacefully in case it’s the last chance he’ll ever get to do so.

 

“You’re always welcome to stay at mine and Harry’s if ya need but ya gotta stop screwing with my vibes, Harry doesn't need that stress right after he’s finished meditating.” Zayn laughs and sniffles pathetically, bitterly. He’s at a stalemate and the last thing he wants to do is have to choose.

 

“No thanks, I’d rather not hear the newly engageds fornicating through the night.” Zayn pushes Louis away playfully and moves to untie his apron, his break has never seemed so enticing.

 

“Well my offer stands indefinitely if you decide to change your mind.” Louis says airily and gives a cheeky wink.

 

Louis drags him out to pick Harry up from yoga but it’s worth it when the boy offers to buy them all lunch. The three of them end up at some diner and Louis gets a gigantic strawberry milkshake that Harry stares at longingly, suddenly regretting his choice of drink being water and Zayn doesn’t miss the way Louis slowly inches the glass of sugar closer and closer to the boy, it’s a simple gesture but Zayn’s heart pangs. He wishes he could look back and find the moment when the double dates turned into to him third wheeling, when holding Liam’s hand on top of the table turned into watching Louis and Harry try to sneakily hold hands under the table to avoid hurting his feelings. 

 

Zayn sort of zones himself out after the third time Harry’s uncoordinated limbs kick him under the table while trying to play footsie with Louis. He thinks about Liam and love and loss and what would happen if they broke up, who would get the apartment, how long it would take for his things to stop smelling of Liam. Most of all he can’t help but wonder if Liam would even be affected or if he would move on, maybe hook up with one of the friends he’s always out with. 

 

Louis, the bastard, must have called Niall and told him of Zayn’s miserable, moody thinking face at lunch because when he gets back to the coffee shop Niall’s got someone covering his shift and tells him to take the rest of the day off. Zayn’s thankful for such caring friends but having to go home to Liam isn’t going to help the situation. He needs to be in a clear mind set to make his decisions and Zayn can’t exactly do that with the way that Liam always goes straight for kissing his neck and palming him by way of greeting. 

 

Zayn braces himself as he takes the stairs up to their flat, he only feels a little guilty that he’s trying to kill time by foregoing the completely perfect lift. Zayn takes a few deep breaths as he takes his key out of his back pocket and unlocks the door, closes his eyes for a moment of peace and dear god, he should not be this nervous about seeing _Liam_ of all people. They’ve witnessed each other at their most vulnerable, handled each other at their best and worst and everything in between but his hands are still shaking and his breath is still catching when he twists the door knob and pushes the heavy wood door open.

 

He steps into the flat and is instantly met by the loud beat of Liam’s ipod on it’s docking station and the low drone of the vacuum cleaner. He smiles a bit and let’s his mind and body relax, makes his way to the living room and watches fondly as Liam shakes his hips to the music as he pushes the vacuum cleaner across the cream colored carpet. Liam startles when Zayn comes into sight, blushes a light pink, and turns off the vacuum then  lowers the volume of his music. 

 

“You’re home early.” He whines and flops onto the couch, making grabby hands at Zayn.

 

“Sorry to disappoint.” Zayn teases and straddles Liam’s lap, kissing him hello on the cheek.

“I was gonna clean the flat then bake those cookies you like and go to the store that sells all the smell good stuff you like in your baths and I was gonna-” Zayn cuts Liam off with a kiss and bites gently at his bottom lip.

 

“Mmm very sweet of you, but how long did you think I would be at work?” Zayn raises an eyebrow and smiles down at Liam and he should be in cardiac arrest with how wildly his heart is fluttering.

 

“I don’t know.” Liam says in defeat. “At least until two.”

 

“Well Ni gave me the afternoon off. And all I really want is you, screw the cookies and bath bombs.” Zayn murmurs into Liam’s neck, his cheeks are flushing at the confession which is ridiculous, Liam’s heard him say things much cheesier than that. 

 

“You deserve to be pampered though. I want to to cook you lunch and you can watch me clean the house naked or something and then we can get in the bath together and then-” Zayn cuts Liam off with a kiss again, this time deeper and with intent and this time Liam shuts up and let’s Zayn have his way with him for the rest of the night.

 

xxxx

 

Zayn wakes up warm and sweaty and feeling completely disgusting until he registers the source of heat as Liam’s body. They’re pressed flush together, Liam laying slightly on top of him, his body draped over Zayn’s with a protective hand cradling his head. Zayn’s tense body relaxes and he smiles serenely to himself, steadies his breathing once more and falls back to sleep.

 

When he wakes a second time it’s from a crash in the flat somewhere and judging by the sun streaming brightly in through the window it’s considerably later. Zayn reaches out for Liam in blind panic because his muscly stature could actually fight off a burglar, or Louis, he has a tendency of breaking in when Zayn doesn’t immediately respond to his texts. He finds the bed empty and cold and is honestly more pissed than upset that Liam couldn’t just give hime one full night. He yanks the covers off and stands, grabs the lamp off the bed side table as a weapon and stalks into the kitchen. At least he’ll have the adrenaline to beat the shit out of whoever decided to break in.

 

He’s muttering obscenities at himself and Liam as he stomps down the hall and nearly  trips over himself when he finds Liam at the sink washing dishes, sweat pants hanging low on his hips. The boy startles at Zayn’s entrance and turns around, suds covering his hands and he honestly feels guilty for assuming Liam had snuck out of bed to leave rather than make him breakfast.

 

“I’m sorry babe, I didn’t mean to wake you I was just try- What are you doing?” Liam stops mid-sentence once he actually registers the state of Zayn, eyebrows raising and amused smile covering his face.

 

“I was about to kick a burglar’s ass thank you very much.” Zayn huffs and tries to look intimidating.

 

“Completely starkers with a lamp?” Liam asks, giggling a little and Zayn blushes, hadn’t realized he was naked when he stormed out of bed, he ignores Liam and stalks back to their room to return the lamp and pull a fresh pair of black jersey boxers on.

 

When he gets back to the kitchen there’s a full English breakfast set at the table that he hadn’t noticed before along with a teapot and a pitcher of orange juice. He hates how hesitant he is to enjoy it, to believe it rather than assuming Liam doing something nice for him is a dream. He walks up to Liam who’s drying a skillet and hugs the boy from behind, circling his arms around his buff chest and laying his head against Liam’s toned back. 

 

“You’re welcome.” Liam says lowly and sets the dish down to turn so he’s facing Zayn, kisses him on the head and hugs him back just as tightly with roaming hands over his back.

 

Zayn could tear up at how much effort Liam’s making because dear God did the light at the end of the tunnel take forever to reach. He nuzzles his head into Liam’s chest and kisses last night’s love bites gently,contemplates marking him up with a few more when 

Liam grips his ass and thighs and hoists Zayn up to carry him. And Zayn’s used to it by now, Liam’s been in awe of how small he was since college, picking him up at random and circling gentle fingers around his delicate wrists and ankles. 

 

“C’mon, our breakfast is getting cold.” Liam walks them the short distance to the table and sets Zayn down in his chair.

 

Summer is coming to an end, the birds outside the window next to the table are chirping away and settling into the flower box that Harry insisted they put out there. There isn’t really much of a view other than the red brick complex across from theirs. It’s nice though, makes it easy to forget they live in the city, it’s like a little sanctuary above the busy traffic and brights lights. 

 

“So I was thinking.” Liam starts just as Zayn’s phone rings.

 

Zayn smiles apologetically and goes to silence the shrill sound but he sees Louis’ name brandished across the screen and stops himself. Louis only ever calls this early if there’s an emergency or if Harry’s out of town for work and he wakes up scared and lonely. Harry’s in town. Zayn’s heart races.

 

“Lou, everything alright?” He says by way of greeting and pokes his fork nervously at his eggs.

 

“No, Zee. I’m freakin’ out,” Louis answers and Zayn tries not to be selfish and think about how his romantic breakfast is about to be ruined, “I was supposed to go yesterday to put in the order for the invitations and I completely forgot and then Harry woke me up this morning before he left for work and told me how much he loved me for handling the planning so well but I’m not ‘cause I suck at organization and I’m not as amazing as he thinks and when no one shows up to our wedding ‘cause I forgot to get the invitations it’s gonna be all my fault and he’s gonna divorce me and-”

 

“Louis,” Zayn sternly cuts off his rambling. “What the hell? I thought you’d been in an accident or Harry’s clumsy arse had finally hurt himself! You interrupted a very lovely breakfast, you know.” He looks back up at Liam then to find the boy staring at him fondly.

 

“I’m sorry, I just didn’t know who to call and I can’t go back to sleep and I-” Louis sounds on the verge of tears and Zayn has a heart so he spares the boy.

 

“Fine, pick me up around noon and we can go into town and get your damn invitations made.” Zayn sighs and tries not to hear Liam’s disappointed huff. 

 

He doesn’t wait for Louis to respond, just hangs up and returns his attention to Liam.

“So, you were thinking...” Zayn inquires and runs his fingers lightly over Liam’s arm resting on the table.

 

“I was thinking that maybe if you could get a few days off soon we could go back home for a visit, reminisce a bit, visit the parents and that little nephew of ours.” Zayn’s breath catches and he goes warm all over.

 

Liam actually wants to see his parents and spend time with Doniya’s baby boy (Zayn’s having heart palpitations to the fact that Liam just referred to a baby as ‘theirs’), it gives Zayn hope is what it does. They haven’t gone back together for a visit in six months and that was only for the birth of little Asif and Liam spent most of that brooding about how he was missing his night out and had the temper of a bull in a red box. Also known as the visit where Doniya stopped talking to Liam and often referred to as the visit that Liam’s parents began to dote worrying eyes and started texting Zayn every friday to check in and make sure their son was still breathing.

 

They could all see it by then, the change in Liam. It wasn’t just something little that someone who knew him as intimately as Zayn could see. It was blatantly obvious that something in Liam’s eyes didn’t shine quite as bright as before. Zayn thinks in time frames a lot now. Before Liam started going out at night to do god knows what and after. 

 

“You sure, babe?” Zayn asks because surely this will be awkward for Liam but then again maybe he’s trying to make amends.

 

“Absolutely. I could do with some of my mum’s cooking and we better stop by yours before Asif is all grown up. Plus I know you want to scare away that boy that Waliyha’s been speaking to.” Zayn just blinks. 

 

He really hadn’t known Liam was actually listening the few times he was actually around. He thought Liam had been dead to the world all those times he was on the phone to his mother having his weekly catch ups. All those times that Liam’s hangover hurt head rested in his lap and Zayn raked his blunt nails over the boys scalp, he’d been listening and aware. Zayn thanks himself for only ever telling Louis about Liam’s troubles.

 

“Great, yeah. I’ll ask Niall tomorrow.” Zayn holds his breath then, “I love you. And I love that you’re trying to spend more time with me and our families.” 

 

“I love you and I love that you put up with how shit I was being.” Liam smiles one of his breath taking smiles, where he tries to contain his joy but his entire face ends up consumed with it, eyes squinting a bit.

 

Breakfast goes abandoned after that. Zayn drags Liam to the nearest surface, the kitchen island, and opens Liam up slow and carefully and so very aware that Liam hasn’t bottomed in a long time. Zayn pushes in steadily, adding a generous amount of the lube that he had to begrudgingly dash to the bedroom to get. They kiss the entire time, or try to at least, jaws dropping in pleasure and noses bumping when Zayn goes a bit slack at the fact that Liam is so tight just for him. Liam comes first, a loud moan of Zayn’s name bouncing off the walls. Zayn follows shortly after, just a few more shallow and unsteady thrusts and he’s spent, Liam’s name rolling off his tongue like a mantra. 

 

It’s nearly eleven by the time they finish showering together, both looking freshly fucked and Zayn regrets the plans he made with Louis. He just wants to stay in with Liam and maybe finally talk about what Liam’s put him through for the past year because it may be ending now but it still hurts Zayn. 

 

“D’ya think Louis will believe me if I tell him I’ve been sent on a top secret mission and can’t go shopping?” Zayn questions, he and Liam are just standing half clothed in the middle of their room with their arms wrapped around each other.

 

“Mmm,” Liam hums into Zayn’s hair, “He was gullible enough to believe you had strep that day in college after you let me fuck your face the whole night.”  Zayn huffs out an astonished laugh and pulls away from Liam to swat at his chest to feign being scandalized.

 

“ _You_ , my love, have an absolutely filthy mouth on that pretty face of yours.” Zayn says as he rummages through the wardrobe to find one of Liam’s comfy Adidas jumpers.

 

“You gonna punish me for it, then?” Liam asks, voice low and gruff and full of arousal despite getting each other off again in the shower just five minutes ago.

 

“Or you could be a good boy and redeem yourself and I can reward you when I get back.” Liam falters for a second and his eyes go a bit distant but not in the way Zayn knows they do when Liam’s turned on. Right now Liam just looks guilty.

 

Zayn doesn’t have time to wonder why, he’s got Louis banging on his door an hour early and Zayn was ready for Louis’ impatience, he’s already prepared himself for a shopping day with the hyperactive man. He’s got his earbuds and cigarettes in one pocket and his wallet in the other and a phone full of games and music in his hand. Liam kisses him goodbye, pushing his tongue right into Zayn’s mouth and thumbing over his cheekbone gently like this is some sort of goodbye. Zayn doesn’t think about it, he can’t, he’s got to help Louis and he’s probably just being paranoid anyways.

 

“Well somebody got laid this morning.” Louis greets and Zayn wonders if the flat smells like sex or if it’s just written all over his blissful face. Probably the latter.

 

“Oi, shut it or I won’t help with the damn invitations.” Zayn clicks the door shut behind him and leads the way downstairs.

 

“You were never going to help with the invitations, Zaynie. You’re just here for moral support.” Louis squeezes Zayn’s cheek as they walk outside into the slightly chilled air.

 

He’s got a point so Zayn just opts for the silent treatment and ignores Louis the whole drive.

 

Zayn’s made a few bad decisions in his life but none compare to every time he’s lured into agreeing to go shopping with Louis. Not to mention that shopping nowadays isn’t just at the comic book store or Topman but at stuffy home goods stores and grown up places so Louis can buy decor and other shit for the wedding. Apparently there are entire stores dedicated to invitation making and apparently Louis has the ability to spend thirty minutes choosing a font. Zayn skips out to have a smoke somewhere in between “What kind of card stock do you have?” and “Could they be delivered in scented envelopes?”

 

Honestly, Zayn never thought Louis would be so into this stuff. The only explanation he can find is that he’s trying to make it perfect for Harry. They finally make it to the comic book store and Zayn picks up a few old issues of Green Lantern while Louis hangs over his shoulder and whines about calligraphy or something ridiculous. They make it all the way through a splurging spree at Topman before Louis’ phone rings and Zayn can hear Harry’s panicked voice through the line as they walk down the street. He’s actually quite concerned until he hears ‘I just want you to be my husband, screw the wedding. Let’s just skip to the honeymoon so you can fuck me on the beach in Fiji.’

 

Zayn rolls his eyes and swings his bags back and forth as they come to a stand still in the nearly empty street. He leans against a lamp post as Louis calms Harry by murmuring sweet nothings down the phone along with other disgustingly intimate promises. He’s not annoyed, knows that this wedding is the most important thing for them and that they both deserve their perfect big day but he’d like at least a few hours of Louis to himself. No wedding planning, no stress, maybe sneaking into the cinema and having a laugh just like old times.

 

Louis hangs up and sighs deeply, Zayn raises an eyebrow at him.

 

“I’m sorry, Harry’s all upset. He’s having second thoughts about the venue and he’s convinced I want some extravagant wedding and I have no idea why,” Louis sounds exasperated and Zayn smiles in amusement

 

“Says the boy that insisted on a booze fest of an American Vegas themed twenty first birthday party even though he’s British and had been drinking since the age of sixteen anyways.” Zayn quips and Louis glares at him.

 

“-and it’s complete bullshit. If he wants a small wedding in the forest with all the woodland creatures where everyone’s barefoot or some shit I really don’t mind as long as I get to marry him. He knows that.”  Louis completely ignores Zayn, just looks forlornly at his torn up Vans and kicks at the ground pathetically.

 

Zayn get’s taken aback sometimes at the strength of their love. With the way Louis is so completely enraptured in Harry’s every move, finds his every quirk attractive and is fully dedicated to him. They balance each other out, Harry completely zen and calm and Louis energetic and hyperactive. They were always a sure thing, everyone just knew that the minute the two met that that was it. All of their parts blending together perfectly and falling into place. Not to mention the mere way Harry looks at Louis, his stare is borderline psychopathic at times but it’s only because his mind is so caught up in everything he feels for Louis.

 

“You really love him don’t you?” Zayn asks in wonderment because Louis and Harry represent what love is, really and it continues to fascinate him

 

“No.” Louis deadpans. “I’m just marrying him for the hell of it.” 

 

“And for that body.” Zayn teases, earning a whack on the head. “He’s the one that walks around naked in front of his guests!” Zayn defends, rubbing the back of his head like it actually hurts.

 

“That was one time! And he didn’t even know you were over ‘cause you’re so goddam quiet and don’t comment on reality television like a normal human being!” Louis puts a hand on his hip and defends the honor of Harry being a part time nudist.

 

“Alright, alright.” Zayn throws his hands up in defeat. “Go tame your bridezilla, I can take the bus home, I’ll have to get by on my own, shopping all by myself, lonely and-” Louis is halfway to the car park already and all Zayn can do really is laugh at the situation and stroll lazily to the bus stop.

 

He goes up to the upper deck of the bus and sits right in the front, it’s his favorite spot, he likes the perspective it gives him. Theres a little boy in the row across the aisle from him standing with his face pressed up to the glass and looking at the world below him, his mother in the row behind, and he smiles at the kid softly when he looks over at Zayn and waves enthusiastically. The bus starts moving and the boy’s mother gives a scolding look and tells him to put his bum on the seat. Zayn arranges his bundle of shopping bags so they stop falling over and when he looks back up the boy has slid over to the seat closer to him.

 

“Do you like to look out the window too?” The boy asks in a tiny voice, pressing his tongue through the gap in his front teeth.

 

Zayn looks up to his mother who is busy tapping away on her phone and he doesn’t understand. If he had a kid he’d spend every minute giving them his love and attention.

 

“Yep, feels like the glass isn’t even there, like flying.” He responds and the boy nods excitedly, his dark brown wispy hair flopping around.

 

“It’th like I’m a thuperhero!” He lisps and turns back to look out the window with a determined gaze.

 

“You know you don’t have to fly to be a superhero.” Zayn informs the kid wisely.

 

“You don’t like thuperheros?” The kid completely misses Zayn's life lesson and rubs at his amber eyes as he responds, Zayn huffs out a laugh.

 

“Love ‘em actually, Green Lantern’s my favorite.” Zayn indulges and wiggles the comic books he's holding and the boys eyes widen in fascination.

 

“May I have a look?” The boy asks politely.

 

Zayn goes to say of course but the boy’s mother finally puts her phone down and intervenes, “Peter!” She scolds, “Be a nice boy and stop bothering the gentleman.”

 

He wants to tell her it’s no problem, want’s to get that disappointed frown off the child’s face but he feels it’s not his place and instead offers the boy a tiny smile. The bus stops and the boy’s shoulders slump as his mother stands and gathers up her shopping. 

 

“Well, thee you later, mithta!” The boy picks up his tiny backpack with Marvel comics printed all over it, he looks at Zayn as he passes and his eyes light up with an idea.

 

He hurriedly takes the bag off his shoulders and unzips it, tiny hands rushing before he has to make his way down the steep steps. He digs inside the bag for a brief moment then pulls out a tiny lego Iron Man and practically throws it into Zayn’s face.

 

“Here, you can be Iron Man and I’ll be Thpidy man.” He gives Zayn one last toothy smile and runs down the stairs with his mother following with a sigh of exasperation. 

 

Zayn lets out a meek thank you to the boy’s retreating figure and smiles down at the tiny figurine in his palm. He hopes that when he and Liam have kids that they’ll be as generous and outgoing as that little boy. Or maybe they’ll be shy and introverted, he honestly doesn’t care so long as they have a kind heart. He mulls over what their cild would look like, Liam obviously, since Zayn has decided that he wants the first one to be Liam’s. He wonders if they’d get the same deep brown eyes or maybe if they’d have blonder hair like Liam’s sisters or if maybe they’d have the same pouty lips.

 

By the time Zayn’s dreamed up what his future child will look like the bus is approaching his stop and he gathers up his bags and get’s ready to heave his new belongings up to his flat, tucking Iron Man safely in his pocket. He makes it all the way up to his flat and let’s out a sigh of relief, another shopping trip with Louis done and dusted and he survived with only minor emotional damage.

 

He manages to make it to the front door of the flat, every bag and little Iron Man in tow. He fishes his keys out of his pocket and unlocks the door excitedly, childishly eager to come home to Liam. Except when he nudges the door open, he’s met with a lifeless home. Lights all off and completely soundless.

 

“Liam?” Zayn calls out, only met by the slight echo of his voice.

 

He tosses the bags onto the couch and pulls out his phone, maybe Liam went out to get dinner or he got called into work. The thing is, Zayn knows. Knows that Liam has fucked off again, that he’ll most likely be spending tonight alone. It’s just, if he stalls, if he drags it out then it’s a little less real for a little less time. 

 

There’s a single text in his inbox and Zayn knows what it says before he even reads it because he’s gotten this text at least three times a week for the past year.

 

_Went out with the boys, see you in the morning love you xx_

 

The complete insincerity of a texted ‘love you’ angers Zayn more than it usually does. He was so blind to believe that Liam had just flipped the switch and was back to his regular self, it was all just a build up, a lie. Or maybe Liam really was trying and he just fell off the wagon. Zayn doesn’t know anymore when it comes to Liam. He can feel the tears pricking his eyes a bit, the plastic figurine in his pocket a burning reminder that Zayn had full intentions of having ‘the baby talk’ with Liam tonight. 

 

He could cry, he could throw himself into bed or burn the sex soiled sheets. He could wallow and sob and pity himself. Or he could call Niall over for take away and a horror movie marathon as a beautiful distraction. Zayn could get a gold medal for his ability to act like nothing is wrong in his relationship.

 

xxxxxx

 

Zayn wakes up at two am as his mind slowly registers the sound of his ringing phone. Niall is passed out on top of him and Zayn has to struggle to reach the coffee table and find his phone amongst the sea of take away containers.

 

“H’lo?” He answers without looking at the caller I.D. 

 

Liam likes to drunk dial him when he’s a certain kind of wasted after three rounds of whiskey. It’s kind of screwed up really, how Zayn knows what type of drink Liam has been consuming by his actions. When Liam is an angry drunk it’s because he’s had too much beer. When his giggly and clumsy it’s because of Tequila. When he’s emotional and affectionate it’s usually because he’s been downing sugary cocktails. It’s also kind of screwed up how Zayn answers every single time just incase it’s the last chance he’ll ever get to hear Liam’s voice.

 

“Zayn, don’t freak out, okay, but I’m in a bit of trouble.” Liam sounds completely sober and Zayn sits bolt up right, jostling Niall awake.

 

“What-” He barely manages to get out in a worried breath when Liam barrels on.

 

“Look I haven’t got much time left, this is my only phone call just come down to the police station and bail me out please, or whatever I’ve got no fucking clue how this works just please come.” Liam sounds hopeless, desperate and for one cruel second Zayn thinks about leaving him there to learn his lesson. 

 

His senses kick in, of course, and he ends up telling Liam he loves him and that he’s on his way now. Niall looks vaguely confused and disoriented as Zayn pulls on his shoes and shuts off the television as some axe murderer claims their next victim. 

 

“I’ve got to go... help Liam, you can stay for a bit but just try to be gone when we get back.” Zayn doesn’t know how else to word it politely but Niall seems to understand and he follows Zayn out of the door sleepily.

 

“You don’t have to answer, like smack me if I’m crossin’ a boundary here but- He, Liam doesn’t hurt you does he?” Niall asks as they ride the lift down.

 

“No.” Zayn spits out then calms himself, “It’s not like that. He’s just going through some stuff and I’m trying to help. But, god no, he would never.” Zayn’s voice is shaking and he wonders if he’s giving himself away as obviously as he thinks he is.

 

Liam doesn’t hit him, no. He doesn’t ever say nasty things to Zayn no matter how drunk or angry he is. He’s not an abusive person, it was just the one time. When Liam had gotten back sometime in the middle of the night smelling of beer and fading cologne and he’d seemed normal enough, his usual wasted self until Zayn refused to have sex with him. It’d been a long day of serving coffee and researching art schools and watching Louis and Harry live their perfect lives and he’d been angry at Liam for the first time for going out. He’d needed someone to come home to and cuddle with but of course Liam was out getting wasted for the countless time that month.

 

Zayn had woken up to help Liam get to bed like he always does but this time instead of kissing him on the cheek and slurring his I love you’s, Liam had gripped Zayn’s shirt and practically thrown him against the wall, kissing up his neck and trying to get both of their clothes off all at once. Zayn had pushed him away which only made Liam angry, Zayn had pleaded no and that he wasn’t in the mood but Liam had only gripped his wrists tighter, rutting against his thigh, roaming his free hand over Zayn’s crotch. He only stopped once Zayn had muttered a weak “You’re hurting me, Li, please.” and the words seemed to have snapped him out of some raging sex crazed trance.

 

Zayn can’t stand the smell of beer now, just thinking about the way Liam’s breath had smelled makes him want to puke. He’d never, ever been scared of Liam before that night. Not even in high school when Liam would get in fights and walk away guiltlessly from his bloody, broken nosed attacker. Liam was his safe haven until that night, his protector. And now it’s like he’s the root of all of Zayn’s fears.

 

“You comin’ then mate?” Niall asks through a yawn and only then does Zayn realize that the elevator has come to a stop, Niall holding the door open.

 

Zayn comes back to reality and makes sure Niall’s called a cab before he rushes to his car. He can barely remember where the police station is because why would he need to? He’d never thought he’d have to pick his boyfriend up from jail and Zayn can’t even be angry right now, he just needs to get to Liam first and make sure he’s okay. It doesn’t take long to find the station with the help of his phone and a few ironic speeding violations. 

 

He walks into the building with shaky hands and a racing heart and the inside is uncanny to a hospital, everything white washed and bland. He’s directed to the front desk by an uninterested officer, Zayn reckons he’s seen more exciting things in his work.

 

“Um, I’m here to bail out Liam Payne.” Zayn gets out rather uneloquently and the officer at the desk looks just as amused as the last one as he types away on the computer.

 

“Ah, one Liam Payne coming right up.” He says as he rises from his swivel chair and Zayn, well he’s not really sure how this works but this can’t be right.

  
“D-don’t I have to pay his bail or something?” Zayn asks helplessly and the man in uniform seems to have a little life left in him as he smiles at Zayn politely.

 

“No, he’ll just need to sign a few things to get his belongings back but other than that he’s free to go, no charges were pressed and his drug tests came back clean according to that.” The officer nods towards the computer and leaves Zayn to build up his anger as he goes to retrieve Liam.

 

He’d given Liam this talk, told him to not fuck up their chances of adopting or even finding a surrogate because no one wants to carry a criminal’s child. Part of Zayn doesn’t even want to know what Liam’s done to end up here, what incriminating mischief he got up to. Zayn thanks every god he’s ignored for the past five years that Liam was smart enough to at least have avoided drugs. 

 

He manages to stay silent the entire car ride back to the flat. Liam doesn’t seem one for speaking or explaining either, he’s just biting the inside of his cheek and picking nervously at the hem of his shirt and adjusting the radio every five seconds until Zayn huffs in annoyance and turns the thing off completely. Zayn’s anger builds and simmers with every minute of silence and he’s pretty sure he’s seeing red he’s so pissed off. Betrayed really, over anything else he feels betrayed. It comes as some sort of relief when he finally pulls the car into it’s designated parking spot.

 

“You fucking idiot.” Zayn seethes once he turns off the car, he barely refrains from punching the window through but he does end up shoving Liam’s shoulder rather forcefully. “ What the fuck is it gonna take? Do you need to end up dead in a fucking ditch before you realize you’re not invincible? Fucking hell, Liam we’re supposed to be adults now and settle down and have kids but instead you’re spending your nights either getting wasted or doing whatever the hell that landed you here.”

 

“I’m sorry.” Is all that Liam offers as he stares down at his lap, Zayn just poured his heart out and all Liam can give back is a two worded insincere apology.

 

“No you’re not,” Zayn says incredulously and shakes his head, “you’re really, really not. If you were sorry you wouldn’t do it again. If you were sorry, I wouldn’t be spending half my nights crying myself to sleep because you can’t stand me enough to spend two goddamn days in a row with me. So take your shit apology and shove it up your-”

 

“I’m sorry, okay!” Liam raises his voice and Zayn jumps, “I’m sorry my brain’s defective and I got addicted to whatever the hell comes with doing stupid shit, I’m sorry I’ll never be enough for you. I’m sorry I almost cocked up our chances at having kids and I’m so fucking sorry I make you feel like shit. I’m sorry, Zayn. I’m really, really fucking sorry you got stuck loving some poor excuse for a man but I’m not sorry for being selfish and hoping that you never stop.” Liam’s crying, silent tears running in streams down his crumpling face as he lets his thoughts out.

 

 Zayn’s stunned, he barely registers Liam forcefully opening the car door and slamming it shut behind him. He just watches as Liam paces in the dimly lit parking lot, gripping his hair and crouching down. He doesn’t even flinch when Liam starts screaming and something deep within Zayn knows he should stop him before someone calls the cops because he really would like to have to not go back to the police department ever, let alone again in the same night. 

 

Liam’s still screaming when Zayn shakily unbuckles his belt and carefully gets out of the car. It’s more or less a sobbing broken shout but it still scares Zayn. Some voice in the back of his head is telling him to approach Liam, to comfort him. It’s like he’s on auto pilot when he kneels down beside him and cradles the boy like he’s a helpless child. And maybe that’s not too far off. Maybe Liam still is just a confused and needy boy despite the fact that he’s twenty five and on his way to being the head of his company. Liam always was good at pretending to not be ill or hurt, maybe now he just pretends to be an adult. 

 

Zayn kisses his temple and clumsily wipes the tears from Liam’s cheeks. It’s so draining, everything is so draining lately; work, his attempts to get his art recognized, acting like he and Liam are doing as great as ever. All these pretenses he’s been left to keep up with and Liam has done nothing to help. Not even bringing him a cup of green tea at the end of the day or kissing his forehead. And yet here Zayn is, giving, giving, giving, and never getting anything from Liam in return. Surely a simple gesture of love can’t be too much to ask for.

 

He wonders now though. If Liam’s got nothing left to give.

 

“I’m so sorry, I’m sorry. Please don’t leave me.” Liam is muttering over and over and over and Zayn still can’t speak, he’s frozen with fear. Five years of a dedicated relationship and this is what he has to show for it; rocking his broken boyfriend back and forth in the sketchy parking lot of the same flat they’ve had since college.

 

“Please.” Liam whimpers and tugs Zayn closer, gripping his fist in Zayn’s- well Liam’s- jumper. 

 

Zayn tries not to think about how Liam even smells different now. How he started wearing a different cologne after That Night because his old one made Zayn feel sick. He tries not to think about how by this time next week Liam will probably be at some party or club and Zayn will be left alone again. Right now all he let’s himself think about is how Liam is hurt and he needs to help him. He needs to kiss his wounds and tell him everything will be okay even though they both know that it’s not true.

 

“Never.” Zayn promises, he wonders if it’s one he’ll be able to keep.

 

They stay like that, in each other’s arms for a good ten minutes more before Zayn moves to stand up, knees cracking as he pulls Liam with him. By the time he manages to drag himself and Liam to their bed the sun is beginning to rise and Zayn really needs to thank Niall for always giving him the second shift on mondays. 

 

“I love you.” Liam mutters, voice hoarse. His red rimmed eyes are drooping shut, exhaustion from crying for nearly an hour straight clearly taking over his body. 

 

Zayn pushes Liam’s fallen fringe from his eyes and kisses his forehead, he waits a long moment before responding, hoping that maybe Liam’s fallen asleep.

 

“D’ya still wanna visit home?” Zayn asks quietly, barely a whisper and for a minute he thinks he’s gotten lucky and that Liam didn’t hear because he’s just so god damn afraid to hear his answer.

 

“Of course.” Liam whispers back just as softly and Zayn watches as his breaths come deeper and slower as the boy finally drifts off to sleep.

 

“Love you.” Zayn kisses Liam’s eyelids and curls into his chest. 

 

An explanation can wait until morning, Zayn’s not sure he could handle one right now anyways.

 

xxxxxx

 

Liam is still passed out when Zayn’s alarm goes off. He’s only given himself thirty minutes to get ready before he has to be at work because he honestly can’t bring himself to care about what he looks like today, there’s more to life than having perfectly styled hair. 

 

He debates waking Liam up but then realizes that waking Liam up means that Liam will be awake and that he might try to give Zayn that explanation as to why he was almost got sent to jail. If he’s honest, Zayn’s not sure he even wants to know, wants to just shove it under the rug with all the other shit they’ve been avoiding. He showers quickly, throws on his uniform polo and a pair of black skinnies and shoves a beanie over his barely dried hair. 

 

He’s got twenty minutes to clock in so he leans over the bed to kiss Liam anywhere, his shoulder is where his lips end up, and he’s out the door in record timing. Even makes it into work ten minutes until one. Normally Zayn’s thankful for working in a small coffee shop where his shift is only four hours long but today he might stay after closing for over time so he doesn’t have to go back to Liam just yet.

 

Niall smiles almost sympathetically when he sees Zayn, then his eyes go big in something like fear and pulls Zayn from where he’s tying his apron behind the counter and into the kitchen.

 

“Most people just say hi but this is cool.” Zayn deadpans when Niall peers out the small window of the door.

 

“Shut the fuck up, he’ll hear you.” Niall scolds and Zayn knows the kid is a bit odd but this is weird behavior even for him.

 

“Who will-” Zayn tries to question but Niall slaps a hand over his mouth and ushers him away from the door.

 

“Louis is out there, do you really feel like getting grilled about why you look like shit?” Niall hisses but somehow it sounds kind coming out of his mouth.

 

“Wow, thanks.” Zayn muses sarcastically.

 

“And I may have let it slip about what happened last night and he may be staking the place out waiting for you to come in.” Zayn can’t even be mad at Niall, it’s not like the boy’s job is to keep all of Zayn’s dirty secrets but he still slaps him upside the head for good measure.

 

“I didn’t tell him everything!” Niall defends, “He asked me why I was being so angsty and I told him you got a call from Liam and that you seemed worried when you left.” Niall rubs at his head and casts a paranoid glance out the window.

 

“Shit. Hide!” Niall frantically shoves Zayn away but it’s no use, Louis is a quick little minx. 

 

“Niall, there’s a situation going on out there, the girl working the cash register thinks someone might have stolen some-” Louis gets out in a panicked rush and Niall dashes out of the kitchen with a look of horror on his face.

 

He turns around a second later but Louis’ already got the door locked and barricaded.

The only other person working this shift is a bloke called Jake who is, in fact, not a girl. Louis really should have furthered his career in acting but he makes an alright journalist as well, Zayn supposes. Harry is a photographer and Louis is a journalist and Zayn will be damned if they don’t start a magazine company to rival the one Liam works for. And right, that’s what this all about, Liam.

 

Louis looks at Zayn expectantly but Zayn doesn’t have any more answers than Louis so it’s only silence that follows. Louis looks angry and concerned, the same look he gets when the others tease Harry about his juice cleanses and head scarves. He feels honored, really, that Louis cares so much. He’s a delightful person to have caring about you; he loves fiercely and when he thinks someone is doing you wrong, he won’t rest until the problem is solved. That’s also what makes Zayn’s situation so frustrating.

 

“Zayn,” it’s like Zayn’s a wild animal and Louis is prodding at him with a stick.

 

“ _What_?” Zayn doesn’t even try to be polite because honestly, he’s warned Louis, this is none of his business.

 

“What happened last night?” Louis asks blatantly, he never was one for subtlety.

 

“Curiosity killed the cat now didn’t it ,Louis?” Zayn condescends and turns to busy his hands but all the dishes have already been washed and dried and damn Niall and his flawless work ethic and his smooth running business.

 

“Yeah well good fucking thing I’m not a cat then, now tell me what has _Niall_ worried, the kid is oblivious to everything but whatever the hell happened last night has got him all shook up.”

 

“ _I don’t know,_ Louis.” Zayn’s voice rises and he has to count to ten before continuing, “Why does everything I do have to be placed under a-a fucking microscope? You keep on asking me for answers but did you ever stop and think that maybe _I_ don’t even have them. I’m allowed time to work out my fucking problems but it’s kinda hard to do that with your nose in my business all the damn time.” 

 

Zayn snaps. He’s not sure where it comes from. Maybe he’s been angry at Louis for a bunch of little things and after all this time they’ve finally built up and broken the dam. Maybe he’s jealous because life is just so easy for Louis. Maybe he’s just really fucking frustrated that he only got two hours of sleep because he was busy picking his boyfriend up from jail for doing god knows what. Louis has it so easy. He works easy hours at his prestigious job and comes home everyday to his loving fiancé and Zayn would have to be a robot to not be jealous. 

 

“You know what Zayn, call me when you wanna stop being an asshole.” Louis sounds defeated, finished with Zayn and he’d honestly expected to get a slap in the face for blowing up on Louis like that but instead the boy just looks disgusted with Zayn.

 

“Oh don’t you pull that guilt trip shit, I have every right to my privacy, don’t act like you’ve never kept secrets from me!” Zayn counters and flails his arms, he’s so frustrated he just wants a smoke and all access to punch whatever he pleases as hard as he pleases.

 

“No! I fucking haven’t Zayn! Because I’m a _good_ friend. I haven’t kept a single secret from you even when I thought it’d kill me to tell you that I hate myself sometimes because my dad fucked off or that I can’t sleep some nights ‘cause I’m afraid I’ve settled down with Harry way too fuckinng early. I trusted you so I told you when I couldn’t tell anybody else and excuse the fuck out of me for thinking you’d do the same.” Louis is crying, Zayn actually made Louis cry, something he only ever does when watching sad films or hearing about something sad in the news or when he’s missing Harry. 

 

Zayn’s only ever seen Louis cry one other time because of his own problems and that was during a particularly nasty meltdown in their final year at uni when Harry had left for his job for the first time coincidentally on the week of Louis’ finals, also the week Louis’ dad try to get in contact with him after twenty years of radio silence. 

 

“Oh Lou,” Zayn breathes and steps towards the boy who’s only curling further into himself “Babe, don’t cry.” Zayn coos and wraps Louis in his arms despite all of his protests. 

 

“Just promise m-me that you’re safe.” Louis hiccups and clings to Zayn like a helpless child.

 

“Yeah.” Zayn says breathlessly because Louis may look dainty but he’s never seen the boy so fragile, “Yeah, I promise Lou. If it ever gets bad then go to you, I know that.”

 

“I’ll leave you a key when we go on our honeymoon.” Louis’ voice shakes and Zayn hopes Louis won’t be more worried about him than worried about pleasing Harry while they’re off in Fiji.

 

“Is this your low-key way of getting me to clean your house while you’re gone?” Zayn teases, tries to lighten the mood and only barely winces when Louis laughs a snotty breath into Zayn’s chest.

 

“No, but I wouldn’t mind it if you decided to stop by and dust, if it gets too bad it messes with Harry’s asthma and he really won’t need that while recovering from our vacation.” Louis’ managed to bring the conversation back to Harry which is a good sign, Zayn loosens their hug and gives Louis a fond, albeit, teary smile.

 

“Harry’s asthma has never acted up except that one time during his freshmen year 

when he thought trying his first cigarette with a chest infection was a good idea.” Zayn wipes away any remaining tears and busies himself with sorting out the ingredients for some chocolate chip cookies.

 

“Yeah, well. I don’t wanna take any chances.” Louis laughs the wonderful ‘i just had a cry but things are better now’ kind of laugh and grabs a dish towel to swat at Zayn.

 

“Oi, get out of here, your snotty nose is breaking like five health code violations.” Zayn smiles brightly but tries to sound offended by Louis smacking is ass with a wet rag.

 

Louis smiles back with relief and Zayn’s amazed once again at how he and Louis have managed to actually maintain a proper relationship, he’s never really had a friend like Louis before. One he fights with and cuddles with and shares his stupid love of comics with. It’s a legitimate functioning friendship that Zayn is so, so thankful for. The reality of it is though, he’s just not sure if he would risk his relationship with Liam just to keep Louis around. And he knows that sounds horrid, friends are forever and all that but Liam is just...well, his Liam.

 

Louis looks faux hurt, bottom lip pushed out in an exaggerated pout as he turns to unblock the kitchen doors.

 

“Love you.” Zayn calls out just to put a smile on his face and it works, he wonders when those words became easier to say to Louis than Liam.

 

Louis throws a peace sign over his shoulder, another habit picked up from Harry, and makes his grand exit with swaying hips and a hair ruffle to Niall who looks like a helpless and overwhelmed puppy as he looks back at Zayn through the window of the kitchen door.

 

The rest of Zayn’s day is busy, the cafe is absolutely dead but if he just sits there like the rest of the employees he starts to think about Liam and jail and consequences and he gets antsy. So he has Niall make up a list of tedious yet helpful things that need to be done and he ends up cleaning the ovens, bathrooms, shop windows, and even helps Niall with a few new recipes. 

 

It’s a productive day and his bones feel just on the good side of tired and worn out when Niall mentions slipping extra money in to his paycheck for working so hard. Oh the perks of small business and a happy go lucky boss. Zayn is sure to comply with Niall’s ridiculous bear hugs as his thank you. But he doesn’t miss the guilty look in his eyes as he watches Zayn lock up and close for the day.

 

“I’m really sorry you and Louis had a fight, I didn’t mean to start shit I just-” Niall blurts out and Zayn interrupts before the poor boy has a heart attack.

 

“Honestly, Niall. It’s no ones fault. You just did what you thought was right, I can’t blame your for that.” Zayn tries not to sound exasperated but he really does just want to get home and sleep for a few years.

 

“Yeah but-”

 

“ _Niall,_ ” Zayn snaps and he knows he probably shouldn’t even if Niall was his friend before his boss, “I said it’s fine, Louis and I sorted things out and even if we didn’t it’s still not your fault now are you _trying_ to make me upset with you?” 

 

Niall smiles crookedly like his only intention was to rile Zayn up even though he was practically a nervous wreck not five minutes ago. Niall works in his own mysterious ways.

 

“Go on then, get out of here! I can’t afford to pay you any more over time.” Niall shouts dramatically  but the effect is lost when he breaks into giggles, Zayn just smiles fondly and mutters under his breath as he starts walking home.

 

When he finally reaches the flat, muscles aching and mind too tired for nerves he hopes Liam is asleep or out somewhere so they don’t have to speak just yet. Zayn knows he’s being a cowardly child but he can’t help it, talking about it makes it real and he’s hardly accepted that Liam isn’t his baby faced, innocent boy anymore. He walks hesitantly through the seemingly empty flat with a mix of relief and unsettling nerves in his stomach. Liam’s gone and that means stalling The Talk for another night but Liam is also _gone_. 

 

Zayn strips down to his boxers on his way to the bedroom and is about to fall into bed when he sees that the light in the bathroom is on. His eyebrows narrow in confusion as he approaches the door, praying that he’s not about to walk in on Liam shooting himself up with heroin or snorting lines of coke or something equally as horrifying.

 

 Instead he finds Liam sitting in the bath fully clothed, head in his hands and silently crying. The water is bubbly and rose colored and smells of Zayn’s favorite bath bomb. Liam’s head snaps up, eyes bloodshot and red rimmed and he looks so relieved to see Zayn but he bursts into another round of sobs. He stands up shakily and Zayn instantly moves to help him, the water has gone ice cold and Liam’s fingers are wrinkled and Zayn doesn’t want to think about how long he’s been sitting there.

 

“What happened, darling?” Zayn asks softly and peels the clinging clothes off of Liam’s skin, registers them all as his own and tries not to look too heart broken as he pieces it all together.

 

“You’re late.” Liam’s voice is so small Zayn could have imagined it.

 

“I’m sorry, love. I’m so sorry.” Zayn pets the back of Liam’s head, comforting him in the way he knows Liam loves as he wraps him in a towel.

 

“I-I thought you left me.” Liam whispers and Zayn just wants Liam to know that he’s there and he’s close so he hugs him tightly and leads him to bed.

 

“I’m not going anywhere. I love you so much, Liam.” Zayn says earnestly as he leans down and kisses him.

 

Zayn could ignore him, could leave again and not come back until the sun started to rise and scream to Liam that _it doesn’t feel too great now does it?_ Because Zayn has spent so many nights crying over Liam and the thought that he’d been abandoned. Instead his paternal instincts kick in and he ends up dressing Liam in his own fluffiest pajamas and heating up a pair of socks for him in the dryer. 

 

Zayn thinks back to a simpler time. When he had been ill with what ever virus had been going around that winter in grade ten. Liam had been so worried over some silly little stomach flu, frantically rushing to the store for whatever food Zayn actually felt like eating and taking his time and measuring his antibiotics out precisely because Zayn was still too much of a child for pills. He remembers the tiny kisses Liam would press to his cheekbone and sweaty forehead when he thought Zayn was asleep. Zayn’s mother had to literally shoo him out of the house so he wouldn’t wind up sick as well. 

 

Zayn must have zoned out for longer than he thought because when he finally comes to it’s to the sound of Liam frantically repeating his name in order to get his attention.

 

“Zayn.” Liam whimpers and Zayn automatically makes a grab for Liam’s hand from where he’s perched on the bed next to him.

 

“Yeah, love?” Zayn rubs his thumb up and down Liam’s still frozen wrist and and is about to get sucked into another memory when Liam speaks again.

 

“I almost got arrested for assault,” Liam whispers and Zayn hasn’t even processed that and Liam’s crying again but he’s not done speaking, “Joe took the blame, I-I almost killed a guy but he just stepped up when the police got there and said he did it and now he’s in jail and-and what if they investigate it?”

 

“Investigate what?” Zayn asks dumbly because it’s easier to focus on the frivolous things than to handle the fact that his boyfriend nearly killed a man, he doesn’t recognize the name and Zayn wonders if he’s been blaming the wrong people for Liam’s demise.

 

“Why we were fighting.” Liam barely makes any sound, Zayn leans closer before deciding to just slip into bed next to him, never letting go of his hand.

 

“Why were y-”

 

“Don’t.” Liam quips with trepidation, Zayn nearly jumps at how defensive he’s become, eyes glazed over  with fire. “I can’t tell you.” He explains much softer but it doesn’t ease any of Zayn’s nerves.

 

“Liam, I love you and I respect you but the whole reason this mess started was because you started keeping secrets, now why can’t you tell me? I won’t be mad at you, I love you so, so much.” Zayn tries for logic first, doing what he knows is level headed even when he’s practically shaking in fear because Liam is so unpredictable in so many ways lately.

 

“I will, I promise I will. I just- can’t right now.” Liam thumbs over Zayn’s cheekbone and huffs out a breath through his nose like he finds this amusing.

 

“Remember when I used to kiss you all the time when we were kids and you’d pretend to be asleep?” Liam asks with a tiny smile tugging at the corner of his mouth. 

 

Zayn smiles softly in return and the thing is. Liam’s still in there, part of the Liam that used to hold Zayn’s hand under the lunch table and make out with him in the woods behind his house is just a part of the Liam that stays out until the sun rises and wakes up in a holding cell. There’s hope. Hope that Zayn is clinging to like the edge of a cliff when he jolts out of bed and starts shoving the contents of his and Liam’s wardrobes into a suitcase.

 

“W-what are you doing?” Liam asks frantically, like after everything he still thinks Zayn is going to leave him.

 

“C’mon. Get up. We’re getting out of here.” Zayn pulls Liam out of bed and into a kiss and his mouth tastes like last chances and life.

 

“Where are we going then?” Liam asks, following Zayn’s suit and stripping out of his pajamas and throwing a pair of sweats and a henley on. 

 

“I don’t know. But we’re not gonna lay in that bed and cry ourselves to sleep again. I’m tired of all this bullshit. We’re getting in that car and we’re gonna drive until we’re somewhere we’ve never been d’ya understand me?” Zayn turns abruptly and grabs Liam by the back of his neck, pulling him in so there foreheads are touching and their mouths are ghosting over one anothers. They’re just breathing and sensing and its a moment so pure that Zayn wants to keep it forever but he can’t so he breaks it with a harsh kiss before tugging Liam out of their flat.

 

They’ve been driving for hours, the sun setting beneath the horizon not too far into their trip. Zayn’s driving, taking initiative and only allowing for stops once they’ve made it a few hundred miles out of town and that’s only because Liam’s getting restless and he could also use a piss break and a snack. Liam insists he take a turn driving as they make their way out of McDonalds, cheeseburgers and fries in tow, and Zayn lets him because he’s starting to get drowsy and he always makes a mess while trying to eat and drive. 

 

He ends up dozing off with half a burger in his mouth and he can hear Liam quietly snorting and cooing at him then pulling his phone out to snap a pic. He should be fearing for his life and Liam’s tendency to keep his eyes off the road but he’s tired and warm under Liam’s gaze. Zayn let’s himself fall asleep once he’s absolutely positive that he trusts Liam to drive east until he wakes and they can decide on a place to stop for the night.

 

Zayn awakes in bits and pieces to the sound of Liam singing along to the radio, it’s some Usher song that brings Zayn back to the study sessions he and Liam would have in their last two years of high school. They’d always end up making out and rutting up against each other when Liam would sing falsetto perfectly and Zayn would bet him that he could make him moan even higher. Zayn always won. He remembers Liam trying to hold it in -the walls were thin and Ruth had a habit of not knocking- and failing miserably. He smiles tiredly and shifts up in his seat, it’s completely dark out wherever they are, Liam’s got the brights on and there aren’t any signs showing their location.

 

“Hey, Sleeping Beauty.” Liam smirks and leans over to peck a kiss to Zayn’s cheek.

 

“You got a Disney kink you wanna tell me about?” Zayn teases, voice crackly and sleep filled, a giant yawn tearing from him as he reaches blindly for his cup of sugary soda. 

 

“There is some innuendo to be appreciated with Woody and Buzz.” Liam notes like he’s thought about it before, “Where to? We’re not too far from the coast now but we can always turn north.”

 

Zayn sits up then, more alert as he checks the time and peers out the window. Even in the darkness of two am he can still see the tell tale signs of beach shacks and he rolls down the window so he can taste the salty air. 

 

“The beach.” Zayn nods decisively, “Let’s stop at the beach.” 

 

“You hate the beach.” Liam observes but makes the turn anyways.

 

“Yeah but I love _you_ and I’ve never been to _this_ beach before.” Zayn lolls his head to the side in time to see Liam’s throat bob slowly, enticingly.

 

“Well. I love the beach _and_ you.” Liam smiles brightly as pulls over onto the sandy edge of the road and puts the car in park, the radio still playing some R&B song that Liam listens to religiously.

 

Zayn rolls his eyes fondly and clambers out of the car, only stopped by a slightly startled sounding Liam.

 

“Wait, what are you doing? I was going to look up hotels in the area.” Liam waggles his phone and as enticing as sharing a hotel bed with Liam sounds, it’s not what Zayn really wants. What he really wants is to snog Liam on the beach and if hand jobs happen they happen.

 

“We don’t need one, just pull up closer to the shoreline.” Zayn instructs and Liam shifts gears and does exactly that, pulling up just close enough to avoid the high tide.

 

Liam leaves the radio playing and the windows down when he gets out to stand beside Zayn.It’s nice, gazing into the dark of night feels sort of like oblivion and it shouldn’t be comforting  but it’s just that with Liam’s hand in his. Liam smiles a bit wickedly then holds up a bottle of vodka with his other hand, Zayn shakes his head in fond disbelief and smirks before taking the bottle and knocking back a shot of it. Liam does the same and they stand there staring at the sea and getting drunk and Zayn hopes his drunken mind doesn’t forget that he can’t swim and lead him to the water.

 

Zayn can’t help but blush and giggle a bit when the song they’ve been dancing and bouncing around to changes to a very familiar tune. Zayn turns his head to look at Liam to find the boy pressing his tongue into his cheek in an attempt to bite back his laughter. He’s already swaying a bit as the alcohol consumes him, it’s nice, he feels like he’s floating.

 

“We thought we were something special didn’t we.” Zayn slurs, it’s not really a question, Liam chuckles a bit but his eyes don’t break from the water.

 

“I’ll make love to you like you want me to.” Liam sings along dramatically and rolls hips for extra effect and Zayn breaks into a fit of giggles, tugging Liam close and swaying him in a slow dance.

 

“Here’s to another five years yeah?” Zayn murmurs quietly into Liam’s shoulder.

 

“Mm-mm.” Liam shakes head, “Here’s to forever.” Zayn doesn’t want to get ahead of himself but this is all sounding suspiciously like a proposal and he waits with baited breath for Liam to continue; he doesn’t.

 

“Here’s to forever.” Zayn repeats somewhat solemnly, he should be happy that Liam feels secure enough that he doesn’t feel the need to prove his love with a diamond and a piece of paper but still, it’s sort of important in him and he’d like to be able to introduce Liam to people as his husband.

 

“I have a ring.” Liam speaks up abruptly in this way he always does when he’s drunk, breaking the lull of Boyz II Men crooning in the background. “ I just want it to be special ya know? And this would have been perfect but I thought we were just gonna end up at some motel and I didn’t know but I should have because everything you do is perfect and-” Liam’s slurring and getting slightly emotional and he’s staring at Zayn with these wild eyes, it’s unbearable

 

“I’ll marry you,” Zayn cuts him off, he doesn’t mean to interrupt but apparently his intoxicated mind has other plans. “That is, if you can catch me first.” Zayn mischeviously waggles his eyebrows, well he attempts to but he hasn’t got much control over his face, grabs the bottle of liquor and sprints to the sea, only stops when he gets distracted by the waves lapping at his feet.

 

Liam’s apparently built up too much momentum to stop himself because he goes crashing into Zayn, knocking them both over into the water. The bottle goes flying out of Zayn’s hand but their fall is cushioned by wet sand and a few inches of water. Liam’s face is scrunched up in laughter and Zayn stares at him in a sort of dazed amazement because he’s so goddam beautiful it’s not just breath taking, it’s brain stopping. Zayn reaches out to cup Liam’s face just as a wave crashes over them and salt water gets into his eyes and nose, he can actually hear Liam _awwing_ at him.

 

“You just made the cutest face.” Liam coos and let’s out a squawk of laughter, “Now I’m gonna kiss ya for it.” Liam smiles sweetly and does just that, ignoring the inch of water they’re laying in and kissing Zayn’s salty lips.

 

Zayn can tell that Liam wants more so he squeezes his arse and makes him sit up so they can get out of their wet clothes and on to the shore. They stumble back to their spot  in front of the headlights and giggle madly while trying to find their balance while attacking each other with kisses and love bites. 

 

He’s not sure where he sees this going or how it’s going to end up but Zayn finds himself tugging at the hem of Liam’s soaked henley and pulling it up and over his head, kissing up his stomach and finding his plump lips again. Liam does the same to him and Zayn knows that sex and sand can’t be compatible but he really couldn’t care less with the way Liam is rubbing his thigh against his crotch. The song comes to an end just as Liam picks Zayn up and lays him down on the sand and it’s going to be hell to wash it out of his hair later and it’s going to dry out his scalp but he’s not thinking about it, he’s actually more focused on concealing his giggles when Beyoncè starts blaring out of the stereo.

 

It kind of dawns on Zayn then, with Beyoncè singing about being recklessly in love and sand rubbing him all wrong once Liam’s got them both stripped bare, he’s just been proposed to. Well, sort of, Liam didn’t actually ask but he said he’s been planning on it and he has a ring so technically he’s engaged and he’s about to have sex with his fiancé and just the thought has him moaning louder than the music. He knows this song, he’s seen Louis shake his arse to it plenty enough but this time when he hears about grinding on that wood he wants nothing more than for Liam to be inside him. Now. 

 

“Need you.” Zayn pants in between sucking a bruise onto Liam’s neck and running his hand over Liam’s thighs.

 

“I haven’t got- I haven’t got anything.” Liam stutters and his jaw goes slack when Zayn tweaks his nipple.

 

Either washing dishes is paying off or Zayn’s running off adrenaline when he flips Liam over and trips his way to the car to search through the glovebox for his emergency lube. Liam is cackling in disbelief when Zayn comes back to their little spot in front of the car’s headlights with the bottle in tow. It’s all a bit outrageous really and it shouldn’t work, it doesn’t for the first five minutes what with their constant giggling and groaning from getting sand in weird places and awkward angles when the ground sinks and shifts with their every move. 

 

Once they’ve worked it out though, it’s spectacular. Liam bunching up his shirt and placing it under Zayn’s head then pulling up his right knee to rest on his shoulder. Liam works his fingers in and out slowly, curling and scissoring and hitting Zayn’s prostate every single time. And Zayn’s never heard of death by overstimulation of pleasure from your fiancé’s fingers but he wouldn’t doubt it with the way Liam is working him up. He could come like this, just from Liam’s fingers, he has plenty of times before but he wants more, want’s to feel Liam inside of him and hold him close because he loves him so goddam much it’s ridiculous.

 

“You ready now, darling?” Liam whispers huskily as he hovers over Zayn, he keeps his eyes glued to Liam’s when he nods his head because he knows if he looks down to see Liam moving in and out of him then he’ll lose it.

 

“I love you.” Liam murmurs as he enters Zayn inch by inch and it stings a bit but all he can focus on are the little kisses Liam is pressing all the way from his legs to his neck to his eyelids and finally his mouth once he’s bottomed out. Liam is sweet and so, so careful, even more than the first time and it’s not enough and too much all at once.

 

Zayn thinks he’s reached nirvana, his entire body feels like it’s floating, like the only three things that exist are his mind, Liam, and pleasure. His veins are tingling and he doesn’t ever want this stop, doesn’t ever want Liam to let go of him. He only manages one quick look at Liam’s concentrated and blissed face before his eyes flutter shut and roll to the back of his head. He can barely hear the lapping of waves over Liam’s breathy moans and whimpers and he could come just from that but he holds onto the edge.

 

He can feel himself aching and pulsing for release and Liam can too apparently because he takes Zayn in his hand and starts pumping lazily in time to his thrusts. 

 

“Look at me,” Liam encourages softly and kisses the hollows of Zayn’s eyes then noses into his cheek, “C’mon, I wanna hear you, Zayn.”

 

Liam’s words flip a switch and Zayn lets every concealed and savored feeling of pleasure tear out of him in a litany of moans and shouts of “Liam, I love you.” 

 

Zayn is out of his mind and suddenly aware of every feeling coursing through his body and he comes just as Liam thrusts deep and murmurs ‘ _fuck you’re so hot’_ against his lips. Liam only lasts a few seconds longer, coming inside Zayn and they both whine a bit when he pulls out and flops down onto Zayn’s messy chest then rolls off beside him.

 

“That... was the best sex I’ve ever had.” Liam gets out in between catching his breath.

 

“Meh, the angle was kind of shit.” Zayn says with a shit eating grin that Liam summons the energy to kiss off his face.

 

“ _Ugh Liam, I’m so entranced by your cock I can’t even speak.”_ Liam mocks and Zayn giggles because he’s actually quite accurate. 

 

“Maybe next time we’ll bring a blanket.” Zayn observes and wiggles uncomfortably at the feeling of cum and sand where the sun doesn’t shine.

 

“C”mon.” Liam pushes himself up and sticks a hand out to Zayn, “Let’s rinse off in the sea. I promise I’ll hold you the entire time so you don’t drown.” Liam adds at Zayn’s hesitant look.

 

Zayn accepts the offer and hangs off of Liam’s back for the short walk to the water. The moon is shining bright and clear in the sky and everything seems to have a silver wash over it. The water is cold but not unbearably so as they take their first steps in and Zayn is clinging to Liam by the time they’re knee deep. 

 

“Is my baby scared?” Liam coos and wraps his arms around Zayn so they’re facing each other.

 

“Moving water is the most powerful force on earth and I haven’t a clue how to swim, I think I have the right to be scared.” Zayn deadpans and wraps his arms more securely around Liam’s neck and legs around his hips as they go even deeper.

 

“Not stronger than these guns that’s for certain.” Zayn can feel Liam flexing and he laughs into his neck because Liam’s just so damn ridiculous sometimes, how recklessly he thinks he’s indestructible.

 

They manage to stay in the water for an astounding, peaceful ten minutes, just holding onto each other and moving with the waves, it’s relaxing. So much so that Zayn almost falls asleep with his head on Liam’s shoulder until he remembers that sharks and plenty of other deadly creatures exist in the mysterious dark depths of the ocean and he jolts awake and begs Liam with his scared eyes to carry them back to shore.

 

Liam just smiles fondly and takes them all the way back to the car, placing Zayn on the hood and gathering their clothes, using some spare napkins from their dinner to wipe Zayn dry and managing to dress them both with fresh clothes from his bag. They end up at some shoddy motel because they’re both exhausted and there’s no promise that there’s anywhere else close to stay if they keep driving. The carpet is suspiciously stained and the hot water takes twenty minutes to get at least warm and the tv is old and only picks up a few channels but the bed, the bed is heavenly. The sheets smell of lavender and the mattress is the perfect amount of plush, and Zayn is seriously considering stealing one of the feather pillows. 

 

Liam enters the room after paying at the check in desk to find Zayn in briefs, star-fished on the bed, smiling lazily. The tv is playing cartoons and the only light source is a small lamp on the bed side table, its cosy. Liam sighs in exhaustion and flops down on the bed next to Zayn and twines their fingers together, pulling a small smile from Zayn. 

 

It’s quiet, the only sound is the low hum of the air conditioner and the muted drone of cartoon voices. Zayn could fall asleep, he almost does until Liam speaks up.

 

“I’m sorry.” Liam says quietly and rubs his thumb along the back of Zayn’s hand, “I’ve been treating you like shit and I’m so sorry.”

 

“As long as you’re trying, Liam. I forgive you as long as you’re trying to make things work. That’s all I want, love.” Zayn turns on his side and clings to Liam like a koala, picking up his muscly limbs and wrapping them around himself.

 

“I am, it’s just. The people I hang around, I can’t just stop hanging around them. Bad things will happen and they know you’re important to me.” Zayn’s eyebrows furrow and he tries to make sense of Liam’s racing heart but can’t put the pieces together.

 

“What bad things, Babe? No one’s gonna hurt you.” Zayn whispers and kisses Liam’s chest.

 

“I don’t know. And I don’t want to find out.” Liam pulls Zayn on top of him so he’s laying like a child on it’s mother’s chest.

 

“We can move, go out to the countryside. Maybe find a good therapist, it’ll make you feel better. We can found you an outlet, my therapist in year nine helped me find that I liked art as an outlet.” Liam huffs out a harsh breath from his nose in a bitter snort.

 

“It’s not that easy, Bambi. But I love you, maybe that can be enough.” Zayn mulls over the words, he doesn’t know how to comfort Liam. 

 

He can’t tell him it will al be fine because even running away and making love on the beach doesn’t make reality go away. Their fantasy is already slipping away with every word they speak so Zayn decides to not respond, to show his love by holding Liam tighter and burrowing his head into his neck. He falls asleep shortly after, Liam’s scent heavy in his senses and dreams of simpler times and puppy eyed boys with curly hair and pouty lips. 

 

xxxxxxx

Zayn startles awake to the sound of rumbling thunder and a crack of lightning, he hasn’t moved from his spot on top of Liam and the boy doesn’t seem to be bothered, he unconsciously wraps his arms around Zayn again and pulls him into his chest. Zayn smiles to himself and wiggles out of Liam’s grip again, eliciting a tiny whine from the boy. 

 

“Smm-ggff.” Liam mumbles incoherently into a pillow he’s grabbed to replace Zayn.

 

Zayn presses a kiss to Liam’s head and walks through the tiny motel room to the bathroom to rinse his mouth out and take the piss he’s being procrastinating in turn for staying in Liam’s arms. He’s spitting into the sink when Liam stumbles in, looking pale and green and in need of somewhere to puke. The toilet is his bucket of choice and Zayn instantly kneels by his side and runs a soothing hand up and down his back, he should have seen this coming. Vodka always makes Liam sick and they drank nearly an entire bottle the night before. 

 

Liam’s got a single tear running down his cheek and Zayn tuts and wipes it away and places a kiss there instead. It must be mid day already so any chances of toast from the continental breakfast to settle Liam’s stomach are non existent. Zayn sighs and helps Liam up, not that he really needs it after the experience he’s had but it’s feel wrong to just sit there and watch Liam do this on his own.

 

“Thanks.” Liam sniffles and rinses his mouth out with his bottle of power ade from the road trip. 

  
“S’cause I love you. You don’t need to thank me, Li.” Zayn says softly and hugs Liam, scratches at his scalp and hooks his chin over his shoulder.

 

“I know, I love you too, I just want you to know I appreciate it, everything.” Liam seems frustrated so Zayn gives in and mutters a ‘you’re welcome.’

 

Zayn’s said it before, but this is it. This is their turning point. This is where they leave everything behind and just move the hell on. This is where they forget whatever bad things Liam has warned him of and live their lives like they were meant to.

 

“C’mon. I wanna get you home and rechristen the flat as  _fiancés.”_ Zayn runs his hands over Liam’s chest and pecks a kiss to his mouth, not daring for anything too deep because he loves Liam but he does not love the taste of lingering sick washed out with power ade improvised toothpaste.

 

Liam smiles, eye crinkles and all and Zayn swears the road trip back happens in a blink and before he knows he’s being fucked senselessly against the front door of their flat. He knows he’s being irrevocably loud and that the neighbors must be cursing them just like Zayn is cursing Liam’s name as he’s pounded into the hard wood of the door. Liam, to his credit, is managing to hold Zayn up all the while and not go weak at the knees. Zayn’s boneless, he doesn’t think he could hold himself up right now, let alone another person. He’s got tears of pleasure building up and pouring over and it only takes a few minutes of Liam bouncing him on his own cock for Zayn to come with a delighted and slightly manic cry of Liam’s name. Liam joins him shortly after, dirty talk spewing out of his mouth and hotly into Zayn’s ear. 

 

Liam finally slumps and they both slide to the floor and ride out their highs. They’re going to need the rest if they plan on doing this for the rest of the night, they’ve got a lot of ground to cover.

 

Four orgasms each and a shower later, they’re both drifting in and out of sleep on the couch. Zayn is laying in Liam’s lap, Liam’s blunt nails scratching lazily up and down Zayn’s arm soothingly and he’s not sure he could walk right now even if he felt like walking to the bedroom. The sofa will do for now. 

 

“I was thinking whaddya think about tattoos instead of rings?” Liam says tiredly, like he was literally just thinking and the thought slipped from his mouth.

 

“Yeah,” Zayn takes a deep breath and closes his eyes, “Like a band tattooed on our fingers or just something matching?” 

 

“Well, I have your engagement ring and I want you to wear that too but I was thinking like a screw on our ankles, y’know, we keep each other grounded.” Zayn musters up all his leftover energy and sits up to kiss Liam, then he has an idea that has him suddenly a whole lot more awake.

 

“Let’s do them now.” He says as excitedly as a person as spent as he is can, Liam raises his eyebrows and his mouth quirks up in a smile.

 

“What? Like a prison tattoo.” Zayn swats at Liam’s chest and silences him with a another lazy kiss.

 

“C’mon, I know how to do stick and pokes. I’ll do yours first and teach you how to do it then you can do mine.” Liam looks slightly more interested but still cautious.

 

“I don’t want to hurt you though, what if I mess up?” Zayn gives him a look and holds up his entirely tatted up arm. 

 

“You won’t hurt me and if you mess up I don’t care because it’s you.” Zayn stands, albeit shakily and with a sore ass and rummages through drawers until he’s found all the supplies he needs then sits back down on the couch and promptly grabs Liam’s foot and sets it in his lap.

 

He takes his time disinfecting the needle and Liam’s left ankle and pours some ink into a small plastic cup.

 

“Okay, so you take your needle.” Zayn holds up the make shift tattoo gun, a needle stuck into a pencil eraser with string wrapped around and dips it into some ink.

 

“Then alls you do is, well, you can trace a shape or just go directly on, it’s a small area so I’m just gonna go for it.” Zayn keeps on talking and distracting Liam then pokes his first mark.

 

Liam, too caught up in paying attention to Zayn’s directions, barely flinches. Zayn smiles fondly and continues making the small x shape, telling Liam how much he loves him and how proud he is.

 

“There, have a look.” Zayn says softly after being so caught up in his work, Liam sits up and examines his ankle, trying to conceal his smile and failing miserably.

 

“I love it.” He leans forward to kiss Zayn, barely taking eyes off of his new tattoo.

 

Zayn covers up Liam’s tattoo so it heals properly and kisses the spot then moves so Liam can have a go at his ankle.

 

Liam’s props Zayn right foot up on his lap and sticks his tongue out in concentration as he brings the needle closer and closer until finally making contact and breaking the surface of Zayn’s skin. The X’s end up look surprisingly identical and Zayn smiles so big once he sees it, proud of Liam and feeling giddy that they now have something to show that isn’t quite as flashy as a diamond ring, he loves it, he loves Liam.

 

Despite the excitement of fawning over their new tattoos, they fall asleep about five minutes after covering Zayn’s tattoo, sealed with a kiss too. Zayn wishes they could stay like this forever, and for the next week he tries to make that happen.

 

He ignores all of Louis’ and Niall’s and even Harry’s calls in favor of watching movies and cooking and just generally being with Liam. He knows he’s being irresponsible but he’s caught in this bubble of perfection and the only person he wants to exist in it is Liam. 

 

The first day they sit around drinking hot chocolate and reminiscing about their first moments together, about that one week after they met where they pretended to be friends then their nervous confessions of the feelings they had for one another. They talk about Liam’s family and how his sisters used to tease them playfully and how they promptly stopped the day Liam had gone off on them, “ _You can hurt my feelings all you want but don’t you dare say a negative word about Zayn. I don’t care if you’re just kidding or teasing, you say one nasty thing about him and I’ll cut your hair off in your sleep!”_

 

They’s all stood there wide eyed and speechless because it’d been the first time that Liam had ever stood up to anyone. Zayn had rewarded him with a chaste kiss and a promise to take Liam out on a proper date once he had the money. They talk about Zayn and how he used to draw little doodles for Liam and leave them in his locker and notebooks and how they used to hold hands on their walk to Tesco most days after school to buy candy bars and chocolate milk. They laugh and cry and Zayn realizes how great hid life is.

 

The second day is mostly spent in bed, staring at the ceiling and each other either fucking, giggling, or day dreaming about their wedding. They want something traditional but not too big which will be hard to do with Zayn’s family but he reckons they’ll just be happy that he’s getting married, his mother happy for grandchildren. They pick a date, July 23rd, the day they met and Zayn doesn’t care how cheesy it is because he knows to everyone else it will just be a random date but the two of them know exactly how much there lives changed because of it.

 

The third day is spent listening to all their old favorite songs on full blast to drown out Louis banging on the door. Eventually he leaves and they order take away and after lunch Zayn sucks Liam off after he suggests maybe moving so they can have an extra room for a nursery. Liam returns the favor in the form of eating Zayn out and telling him their kids will be the smartest, most beautiful things on earth. 

 

The fourth day Zayn’s feeling domestic so he makes Liam breakfast in bed and tidies up the house even though he knows they’re just going to wreck it again. Liam shows his thank you by making Zayn sit on the couch while finishes cleaning with nothing on but an apron tied around his waist. If Zayn would’ve known that this is what impending married life was like he would have proposed to Liam himself a long time ago.

 

The fifth day Liam suggests they get a bit of fresh air so they go down to the local park in stealth mode just in case Louis is around. They goof around and pretend to be James Bond while hiding behind trees and Liam even does a very graceful roll and lands on his arse. Zayn cackles and a few passers by look on with their noses turned up at them, he supposes they look a little odd, two grown men playing like children. They find a nice bench to rest on and stare at the greenery and it’s peaceful, Zayn rests his head on Liam’s shoulder with a sense of accomplishment, out of all the people in the world and he’s the one who gets to marry Liam.

 

The last two days are a blur of flavored lube and body oils and Zayn is so pleasantly fucked that he forgets to not answer his phone while Liam is grabbing a snack to keep his stamina going.

 

“H’lo?” His voice is butchered, his vocal chords all used up and his throat fucked raw.

 

“Oh god, Zayn. What’s wrong, what has Liam done?” Louis sounds like a worried mother and Zayn supposes it does kind of sound like he’s been crying.

 

“Uh, I don’t really think you want that image in your head.” Zayn smirks even though Louis can’t see.

 

“You absolute son of a motherfucking twat bastard. I’m worried that you’re dead or that you’ve ran away or Liam’s finally gone off the deep end and you’ve been... I’m going to hang up and calm down with a cup of tea because I really don’t feel like saying something I’ll regret. Good day, fuckwit.” Louis spits and the line cuts off and Zayn knows he should feel guilty but he can’t stop smiling like an idiot.

 

So maybe it’s his post sex high or the happiness that’s been flowing through him all week but he sends Louis a text telling him to meet up for lunch tomorrow so they can talk. Liam comes back in seconds later with packets of crisps and maltesers, looking like sex despite his excitement over junk food.

 

Louis texts back a simple ‘fine’ quickly followed by ‘asshole’ and Zayn huffs a laugh and throws his phone to the side. He rubs his thumb over his tattoo and takes time to just look at Liam, he’s on his laptop, probably looking up places for their honeymoon like he’s been doing all this past week. Zayn’s never really been good at the whole ‘you can look but you can’t touch’ rule and he finds himself scooting closer to Liam, snuggling up to his side and watching Liam scroll through different things to do in certain cities.

 

Liam’s hand finds his ribs soon enough and he’s running his finger up and down Zayn’s side lazily, just an excuse to touch really. Zayn doesn’t think there’s been a moment all week where they’ve gone more than a minute without some sort of physical contact. He feels loved and adored and appreciated, he’s so proud of Liam for dealing with everything and not going out for an entire week.

 

“Oh!” Liam jolts and stands abruptly, rummaging through a sock drawer, “Can’t believe I forgot.” 

 

He comes back over and pulls Zayn out of bed, he’d complain but Liam’s jogger and jumper are keeping him warm. Then he’s getting down on one knee and taking Zayn’s hands in his own and Zayn’s eyes widen and he can’t explain why but he’s tearing up.

 

“Zayn Javaad Malik,” And its the first time he’s called him anything but Bambi the entire week, “I think it’s pretty obvious that I love you and that I’ll love you forever and that this is just a formality. But you’re just so-” Liam takes a deep breath like he’s in awe, “So fucking special and I could never thank you enough for your patience and caring and loyalty and love. You could have any man or woman in the world and I’m so lucky that you chose me and I hope that you always will. Because I don’t think I could function properly without you by my side. You’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever encountered, inside and out and I wouldn’t be half the man I am today if it weren’t for you. I knew from the day we met that my life would never be the same again and I’d like to ask you to marry me so I never have to remember what it’s like to be without you.” 

 

Zayn nods his head because he’s sure if he opened his mouth the only thing that would come it is a sob. Liam takes his left hand and they’re both shaking as he slides the intricately carved silver band onto Zayn’s fourth finger. They’re both smiling through tears and laughing through sobs as they hold each other tightly, Zayn thinks it might take a crow bar or better yet a piece of heavy machinery to separate the two of them.

 

“I love you,”Zayn sniffles and burrows into Liam’s neck, “I can’t wait to spend  forever together.”

 

 And it sounds cheesy but he really can’t. He wants Liam to be there for every milestone in Zayn’s life, he wants a family with Liam and he wants to travel with him and grow old together and send their children off to college and sit around reading the newspaper with Liam right by his side. Zayn’s always wanted to experience the world and Liam is like an entire universe for him to explore.

  
They make love and as weird as it is to say it, Zayn would feel wrong saying it’s just sex. Because just sex isn’t so emotional and gentle and just sex doesn’t make anyone feel so full of hope and adoration. They’re making love, they’re not caught up in reaching release they’re taking time to explore places that they’ve been to before and will go back again time after time. 

 

They fall asleep tangled up in sticky sheets and Liam doesn’t let go of Zayn, even in their sleep he keeps his hand around Zayn’s waist and he feels safe. Morning comes too soon but mornings aren’t really a bad thing anymore, or at least they haven’t been for the last week. Zayn gets to wake up slowly, laying in bed for an hour or two with Liam, talking or touching or just looking at each other. Liam manages to make him smile before he’s even opened his eyes today, he get’s woken up by Liam kissing him awake and singing a stupid song to him when that doesn’t work until he finally cracks and smiles big before cracking one eye open.

 

In the light of day Zayn can now fully see just how covered in love bites and scratches and fingertip bruises they are. Liam’s got one almost heart shaped right by his birthmark and a few more scattered along his chest and biceps and thighs. Zayn’s got just as many to match. Liam makes them coffee and they sit in bed watching crap tv and holding hands and Zayn doesn’t know how he’s going to survive lunch with Louis, he supposes it’ll be healthy to spend at least an hour away though.

 

When noon rolls around Zayn finally manages to part from Liam to get showered and dressed and he maybe whimpers a little when he has to kiss Liam goodbye and actually get going before Louis tracks him down.

 

Louis and Harry are sitting at a table already, Louis looks antsy, hands fidgeting and looking around the room until he spots Zayn and stands. Zayn is surprised to be pulled into a tight and less surprised when Louis pushes him away and punches him half heartedly then sits back down as if nothings happened.

 

“How are things?” Zayn asks because he’s not really sure what to say.

 

“Just dandy, why have you been locked away in your flat for the past week?” Louis asks and his blunt ways are to be expected really.

 

“No the whole week, we went down to the parks for a few hours one day.” Zayn’s not really sure why he’s being such a smart ass, he does like riling Louis up though.

 

“Fine, fine.” He gives up at Louis’ death glare, “I um, we uh.” Zayn’s at a loss so he just holds up his ring and can’t contain his smile.

 

Harry’s jaw drops and he grabs Zayn’s hand to inspect the ring with an excited squeal of congratulations. Louis on the other hand, looks far less pleased by the news. He looks confused, not angry or upset, just perplexed and reserved, almost shocked.

 

“I-” He tries but stops himself and slumps his shoulders a bit, “I can’t sit here and pretend to be happy for you Zayn, I’m sorry.” It’s unlike Louis’ usual protests to his and Liam’s relationships, he looks pitying and Zayn can feel his heart sinking.

 

“I’m sorry, I have to go.” Louis stands gracelessly and stumbles out of the restaurant, Harry looks back and forth like he wants to follow Louis but knows he should stay with Zayn so Zayn spares him and goes after Louis.

  
“Louis! Lou wait up! Hang on a minute. Just let me, let me explain.” Zayn calls after Louis and jogs up to match his pace, Louis finally stops and runs a frustrated hand through his hair and turns to look at Zayn.

 

“Just please think this through,” Louis pleads, “Promise me you’ll think this through, Liam needs help, _Zayn_. And I don’t mean cuddles and kisses I mean a therapist or- fuck!” Louis shouts and he looks so helpless, Zayn doesn’t understand, this should be good news.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Promise. But, Lou, he’s doing better. I swear, I can see it in him.” Zayn assures his friend and is about to hug him and carry him home when he hears and awkward cough and turns to see Harry looking desperate to intervene.

 

Zayn steps back and let’s Harry hold Louis, he’s just so confused, he doesn’t get why his best mate wouldn’t be happy for him for finally taking things to the next step with the man he’s been in love with for so long. He’s not angry at Louis because the boy is allowed to feel whatever he wants, Zayn’s not deluded but he just doesn’t understand.

 

“I’ll, I’ll talk to you later, Lou. Give you time to think about it or whatever- I don’t know.” Zayn shakes his head in defeat and walks back home with his head hung and his mind turning because he’s never seen Louis like that and it wasn’t exactly a reassuring thing to witness.

 

Liam is in a far better state than Zayn when he lets himself back into the flat so Zayn forces a smile on his face and kisses Liam hello.

“I told my mates, they want to throw me a stag night!” Liam announces excitedly and pecks kisses all over Zayn’s face, “Is that alright? Just have a final hoorah, you should invite Harry and Louis and Niall over and have one too.”

 

Zayn can’t say no to Liam, he never has been able to. Even now when all he wants is to cry into Liam’s shoulder he can’t imagine making Liam sad when he’s all worked up over a night out. Zayn loves him, obviously, but he thinks he may love him a little too much considering how even through his solemnity and disappointment he still mutters a _‘yeah, sounds great.’_

 

 _“_ You sure, Bambi? We could do something else, maybe go on a holiday.” Liam pulls away to look Zayn in the face and read into his eyes, but Zayn’s known Liam for so long he knows exactly how to manipulate him, exactly what parts of himself to hide so Liam is none the wiser.

 

“No, no. Go out, have fun. Just be safe yeah?” Zayn rubs Liam’s bicep to distract him and smiles sweetly and it works.

 

“Of course, you too, babes.” Liam winks and kisses Zayn once more before rambling on and on about what the guys are setting it up and Zayn thinks it’s a bit early for a stag night considering the actual wedding date isn’t until next year but then again he’d also rather get it out of the way.

 

Get it out of the way, Zayn reminds himself. It’s two nights later and its 1am and Liam is still gone and they’re getting it out of the way. Liam had left reluctantly, at least. After more than a week of complete dedication to each other Zayn’s confident that all is well and Liam loves him and it’s just a normal stupid stag night full of booze and maybe a few lap dances.

 

Louis’ still unsure about the whole thing but he called Zayn one last time, before he and Harry left to go back to Cheshire for their wedding rehearsal, to remind him that he loves Zayn and he wants him to be happy. And Zayn’s tired of Louis tip toeing around things and being cryptic, but he also doesn’t want Louis blatantly hating Liam either.

 

Zayn sits alone in his flat, doesn’t bother eating because the truth is that he’s too nervous to. He’s trying to busy himself, sketching comics and watching cartoons and drinking green tea. He just has a horrible feeling in his gut that won’t go away and with every minute that Liam’s not back he feels worse and worse. He’s pacing the flat and trying not to look at his phone every five minutes, it’s just he worries about Liam, and now with this knew knowledge of _bad people_ out to get him, the idea of sleep doesn’t even cross his mind. 

 

The first text comes around two. Zayn had finally been able to ignore his phone in favor of playing a few video games but the second his phones buzzes he jumps and his stomach falls to his feet. He picks up his mobile hesitantly and reads the text, sure enough its from Liam and when Zayn registers what he’s just read his jaw drops in horror at the series of texts appearing on his screen.

 

“ _Baaasfthfv I eneeds u’_

 

_“banbu zatb i llovrrr uuu’_

 

_‘zayyyh my mindfs on cliud noiuner i aint  bnebver beern on vacatuioon’_

 

_‘ i wagnna fuvck you sooooooo bvad’_

 

_‘coke makjes me thinklfd manb’_

_['Sooo higghhh'](http://www.metro.us/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/liam-payne-roof.jpg) _

Zayn’s hand flies up to his mouth and he honestly thinks he’s going to puke. Everything in him freezes, his blood stops flowing and his mind stops working because Liam could be dead. Drunk, coked out, and uncoordinated Liam could be nothing more than a pile of broken bones and blood on the ground. Zayn doesn’t realize he’s crying until a tear slips off his face and onto his phone. He can’t even bring himself to call Liam because if he doesn’t answer it just makes the possibility even more likely. Zayn’s breath hitches in a weird mix of hope and fear when his phone buzzes again. 

 

It’s a video. Of Liam snorting a line. And Zayn’s pissed because what the fuck even compelled Liam to think to send any of this to Zayn. Zayn, who he knows damn well worries over him nonstop and has been by his side trying to get him to recover and leave drugs behind but apparently Zayn isn’t enough. 

 

He’s not even surprised when another video of Liam walking along the ledge comes through and fucking hell if Liam lives Zayn is going to kill him. He doesn’t understand why Liam would put him through this, maybe Liam isn’t even thinking of Zayn and maybe he hasn’t for a long while. Zayn can feel the familiar buzz in his veins and constriction of his chest and he’s about to have a panic attack and even after everything his first thought is that he wants Liam. He wants Liam there and alive and away from the god damn ledge of a sky scraper to hold his hand and rub his back and talk him through his breakdown.

 

Zayn’s crying and his chest hurts so bad he can hardly breath. He collapses onto the floor in front of the couch and lays in the way he knows lessens the pain as much as possible. He’s practically in the fetal position and he’s sobbing, he never cries during panic attacks he’s always deathly silent and of course it’s not like always because Liam isn’t there. Zayn’s crying for Liam like a child either because he doesn’t want him to die or he wants him by his side or both. He couldn’t live without Liam. 

 

Zayn wouldn’t commit suicide if Liam were to do die but he certainly wouldn’t keep living. He’d shut down, shut everyone out because he’s not sure he could function without Liam there. Because he’s never been angry with Liam, he’s been angry about the things Liam has done but he’s never actually resented Liam in any way. Zayn loves Liam through and through, he’s who his heart belongs to and Zayn’s not just going to give that up because his boy is struggling. 

 

It’s an hour later before Zayn finally manages to calm himself down. The first thing he does is make himself a warm cup of green tea like always after a panic attack, he’s not even sure if it helps, it’s more so for comfort than anything else. He checks his phone again to find a few more coked out texts from Liam, one that he can maybe decipher as _coming home_ and Zayn waits at the door like a dog. Always loyal to Liam even if he accidentally gets hurt by him sometimes.

 

He’s nearly fallen asleep, exhausted from staying up and panicking, when the door handle jiggles and the sound of metal clinking on metal fills his ears. Liam finally gets the door open and stumbles in, he’s got bags under his bloodshot eyes and he’s shaking, literally buzzing. He smells of booze and cigarettes that aren’t Zayn’s and his clothes look dirty and tattered and his hair is wind blown and Zayn just stands there looking at him. 

 

“Help.” Liam’s staring past Zayn at the wall but Zayn hears the whispered word clear as day.

 

 He- he sort of hates himself for scooping Liam up in his arms and dragging him to the bath. It’s the only thing he can think to do, to take care of Liam. Turning him down and telling him to help his own damn self doesn’t even cross Zayn’s mind he just naturally takes Liam in and caters to his every need. Zayn doesn’t know what someone coming down from a coke high needs so he just strips Liam and makes him stand under the warm spray of the shower. 

 

Zayn joins him, of course he does, and it’s the first time they’ve showered together and kept their hands above their waists. Zayn stares mechanically at the tile wall and rubs what he thinks is body wash into Liam’s shoulders then grabs another bottle blindly, hopefully the shampoo, and massages it into his hair. Liam is crying, and Zayn wouldn’t know if it weren’t for the little gasps for breath that Liam keeps stuttering on. Zayn spares him and kisses Liam’s shoulders and the back of his neck. 

 

“I don’t know if I can forgive you.” Zayn whispers into Liam’s back and he’s not even crying, he’s beyond that, he’s already used up enough of his tears on Liam.

 

Liam must not hear him over the running water because Zayn knows he’d be pressed against the wall with his cock in Liam’s mouth if he had. Liam always has a tendency for expressing his desperation and anger through sex. Maybe that’s where Zayn went wrong, maybe he didn’t give Liam enough of an outlet.

 

He wants to yell at Liam, shove his chest like he did all those nights ago, he wants to scream in his face and punch him out of this senselessness he’s fallen in to. Zayn wants to put a thousand locks on the door and never let Liam out, he wants to keep away from the corrupted world and restore his innocence. Zayn wants nothing more than to just have Liam in every way that Liam has him because god only knows how much of himself that Zayn has given away. 

 

It’s like he’s addicted to Liam, can never keep his eyes and hands off him. Maybe he’s too protective or possessive or maybe it’s the worst possible scenario, maybe Liam doesn’t even reciprocate Zayn’s feelings of forever and he’s doing all of this just to get rid of him. The sickest, most twisted part of it all is that Zayn could just fucking ask him but he doesn’t have the courage to just toughen up and say ‘love me or leave me’.  
  
“Bambi.” Liam mumbles and he sounds distant, like his mind is eons away but he’s still asking for Zayn’s attention, still asking for Zayn to come back to him instead of meeting him halfway.

 

“C’mon, love. Let’s get you dressed, you’re probably freezing.” Zayn starts to lead Liam to the wardrobe but is stopped when Liam tugs on his hand and pulls them to a halt in front of the bed.

 

Zayn has so many questions like _why the fuck were on the ledge of a sky scraper_ and who _the fuck just sat there and took pictures of it_ and _how the fuck did you get home_? Zayn has a question for every star there is in the sky but his mind goes blank when Liam juts out his lower lip and pleads.

 

“Touch me.” Liam whimpers and Zayn remembers reading it somewhere or over hearing some kids talk about how getting off helps come down and makes a person less jittery. 

 

Zayn looks down to where Liam is already stroking himself lazily and blinks slowly, counts to ten because he can’t get hard. This is to take care of Liam and he doesn’t want to get off because then it’ll just feel like he’s taking advantage. He checks with Liam at least three times before latching his mouth to Liam’s neck and sucking a bruise, he takes Liam in his hand next and moves up and down slowly while moving his mouth along Liam’s chest and biting at his nipples. Liam moans a loud and guttural noise and Zayn works even harder to over stimulate him, tire him out, by fondling his balls and squeezing his arse and rubbing a finger at his hole. 

 

Liam throws his head back and Zayn’s worried he’s going to collapse so he sits Liam down on the bed and kneels down in front of him, head between his legs. Zayn’s sure to rub his beard over the inside of his thighs before licking a stripe up the underside of Liam’s cock and mouthing at the head. He takes Liam in all the way easily after years of wearing down his gag reflex. Liam runs a hand through Zayn’s hair but it’s different, like he’s doing it just to finger at the texture of it rather than to just get a hold on Zayn. 

 

When Liam comes it’s with a shout and he doesn’t even warn Zayn, just shoots down his throat and Zayn doesn’t even care when he coughs and sputters unattractively, spit and come running down his chin. He just wipes it away with his towel and walks away to the kitchen without sparing Liam a glance. He drinks an entire bottle of ice water and luckily it’s enough to kill his boner. Then he thinks it’s like common knowledge or some shit that coke dehydrates you so he grabs a bottle for Liam and heads back in to the bedroom and forces him to drink it. 

 

Liam takes three more hours to actually fall asleep and they only speak once, just a set of murmured ‘i love you’s before Liam drifts off. Zayn is sure to say it back because he’s not sure he’ll ever get the chance to say it again if Liam makes a habit of getting high and tempting death. Sleep is lost on Zayn by then, he knows he should get some rest after having a panic attack because lack of sleep will just cause another one but he’s too wound up now. He keeps tossing and turning and he knows his fingers running through Liam’s hair are probably annoying him so he finally decides on getting up and pacing around the room.

 

Zayn wants to leave so bad but he’s not sure he’d come back if he were to walk out that door. He feels like he’s the one coming down form a coke high, anxious and paranoid and unable to focus his mind on one sure thing. He tries counting because that usually helps when he’s nervous, a reassuring track of his beating heart but then that isn’t enough. His nails are bitten down to almost non existence and it burns but not even that is enough from keeping his mind to drifting where he knew was inevitable all this time. He’s not strong. He can’t keep doing this.

 

Zayn finally sits at the edge of the bed and just stares at Liam for the longest time. His mother once told him that if you’re contemplating breaking up with someone then you should just do it, that the hope is already lost. If that’s the case then Zayn’s hope has been lost for precisely four hours and twenty two minutes. All those times before when Louis had urged him to leave Liam and when Niall had worried over him he never dared considered breaking up with Liam, had only sought to help him and be there for him, but now, watching Liam twitch in his sleep as he comes down from being coked out and reckless, he thinks he needs to let him go. Clearly them being together isn’t working or helping anyone and the healthiest thing would be to let Liam sort himself out for a bit instead of trying to cage a wild beast who isn’t ready to settle down.

 

Zayn feels guilty for not being as shocked as he should be about the realization but he’s only consumed by an overwhelming sense of solemnity. There’s no horrible twist in his gut telling him it’s the wrong thing to do, only an almost airy feeling of relief. And even though he’s crying now, silent tears coming out by the bucket load, it still feels right. He’ll never stop loving Liam, the boy who held him and baked him biscuits when he was being moody, the boy he gave everything to and got given the world in return.

 

Maybe a few years from now they’ll meet again, maybe in Tesco, maybe walking down the street, and Liam will be better and they’ll pick up where they left off because Zayn can’t imagine himself loving anyone but Liam and he knows Liam feels the same. Knows that if it’s meant to be, then they’ll work it out eventually, maybe next month or next year or maybe even longer. Part of Zayn fears that he’ll run in to Liam one day and he’ll finally have the beautiful wife and children that he deserves but he can worry about that later, not now when he still has a few moments left with him. 

 

Zayn packs his bags with hesitance, he feels like he’s given up, like he’s betraying Liam because he promised he’d be there forever and now he’s leaving. He’ll always be waiting for Liam though, he’s not going to hold his breath doing it but he’ll never stop. He’s not just _in_ love with Liam, Zayn _loves_ Liam, would do anything for him and right now giving him space seems like the only solution left. He needs Liam, needs him to get better and work harder and be the beautifully kind person Zayn knows he can be and Liam can’t do that with Zayn as a distraction. 

 

He wonders if he should wait until Liam wakes up to tell him what’s going on, to give him an explanation, or if he should just leave a note. Or he could just go, maybe call Liam and explain it to him when he doesn’t have to look at those pleading, dying eyes. Zayn hitches his bag over his shoulder and makes his last rounds of the flat, checking every shelf and corner to make sure he hasn’t left anything too important when he remembers it. The fifth anniversary book he’d made Liam nestled deep in his art supplies box underneath the bed. 

 

He traces his steps back to their bedroom and lays flat on his stomach to fish out the box that seems to be right smack in the middle. Zayn’s just got a grip on it when he hears the rustling of sheets above him. His heart stops and starts in a race, hands shaking as he opts for just taking the whole box and getting the hell out of there. He stands back up in a rush to find Liam looking down at him with furrowed brows.

 

“What are y’doing?” Liam mumbles, exhaustion filling his gravelly voice, Zayn must look a mess, tear streaked cheeks and scared eyes.

 

Liam’s eyes linger to Zayn’s bag then his wet face and then he sits up in a panic, ripping the blankets off of himself and swinging his legs over the side of the bed in less than half a second. 

 

“Zayn, babe, what’s going on?” Liam asks with a shaky voice and crosses the room in two steps to meet Zayn where he’s backed himself into a corner.

 

“Bambi, please. Look at me, babe. Zayn, look at me, please. Please.” Liam begs and cradles Zayn’s face in both his palms, Zayn refuses though, keeps his eyes moving around the room, to the door, anywhere but Liam.

 

“Please, please, Zayn, please. Don’t do this to me. I love you. Please.” Liam begs, whimpers and Zayn’s crying again because it hurts so much to hurt the man he loves. It’s for the best though, no matter how much Liam cries and pleads, it’s for the best.

 

“I have to go.” Zayn finally whispers in a voice so robotic, so compassionless it scares him. Liam breaks down at that, let’s out a choked sob and clings to Zayn.

 

“Please, just look at me and say it, please, babe.” Liam’s face crumples as he holds back more tears and runs a rough hand over his face to wipe the old ones away, never letting his other hand break it’s touch to Zayn’s shoulder, “Babe?” Liam barely squeaks out and then he’s shaking his head back and forth in denial.

 

“I love you. I love you so goddam much, Zayn. Please, please don’t leave me like this. I’ll change I swear, I’ll get better, I just need more time.” Zayn stares up at the ceiling and blinks back tears and wills his legs to move, to just do it.

 

He whispers back an _I love you, I swear, I love you_ so quiet he’s not even sure he’s said it and pushes past Liam and towards the door, he makes it all the way to the front hallway before a shell shocked Liam get’s a grip on his arm and pulls him back. When their eyes finally meet, Liam looks more scared than Zayn’s ever seen him and he watches as Liam sinks to his knees, keeping his grip on Zayn’s legs as he yells and shouts and begs him to stay. The only thing he can hear is the rushing of blood in his veins and his pounding heart, the only thing he can feel is the burning of Liam’s skin pressed against his own.

 

“You can’t do this, we’re gonna get married, you can’t leave me now. I love you, I love you, I love you.” Liam repeats over and over again like an apology and Zayn tries to tear himself away  but Liam’s got his arms wrapped around his middle like a child. 

 

He finally manages to knock Liam away as gently as he can even though he’s pretty positive that he can’t hurt him anymore than he already has. Liam still doesn’t give up, he reaches out and grabs out for Zayn’s ankles, pulling at his jeans and clawing out for his feet. He can barely see straight as he slips out of the door and shuts it behind him, narrowly missing Liam’s hand when he reaches out one last time with a pitiful cry of _Zayn._

 

Zayn’s barely breathing when he unlocks his car and throws his bag and box in the passenger seat, his breaths are coming out in a pant and his vision is so blurred with tears that he can barely see where he’s going when he pulls out of the complex. He just left Liam, he just walked away from the love of his life, and the sun is rising and the sky is red.


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> For those of you who prefer a happy ending, just keep reading.

By the time that he remembers that Louis and Harry are up in Cheshire for the wedding rehearsel, Zayn’s already pulled onto their street. He figures he might as well take a minute to pull over and wipe away his tears before he decides what his next plan of action will be. It was hard enough deciding to go to Louis with his tail between his legs and he can’t just bombard Niall, he’s got roomates. His only option is home and god does Zayn feel like a failure crawling back to his parents because life got too hard. 

 

He wonders what his mother will say, if anything she should understand how he couldn’t have been strong enough. He thinks back to the muted conversations he’d listen in on and how he felt so horrid but he never once told a soul, his mother figured out that he knew but that’s only because she has a sixth sense for Zayn and how he’s feeling. It’s just, he’s never talked it through with anybody, not even Liam. He remembers his and Louis’ fight, and how Louis really has told him everything and how he really hasn’t given any of himself away in return. 

 

It’s why he finds himself digging through his bag to find his phone and dialling Louis’ number even if it is the ass crack of satan in the morning. 

 

“H’lo?” Louis answers gruffly and Zayn has to laugh because he just knows that Harry’s probably stirring in the bed next to him with a worried frown painted on his face.

 

“Hey.” Zayn answers weakly with a sniffle, “I have something to tell you.”

 

“What? Are you in love with me or summat?” Louis retorts but Zayn can hear the worry clear in his voice, the underlying concern because why the hell is Zayn calling him right now?

 

“Ha,” Zayn lets out a pathetic attempt to joke along, “Actually you know our little tiff the other day? And how like you share everything with me but I never tell you shit in return? Well, I think I’m ready to be a proper best mate now.” 

 

He can hear Louis getting out of what is without a doubt Harry’s childhood bed then kissing said boy and moving to a more private area to talk, probably the bathroom, or the roof outside Harry’s window if he’s feeling nostalgiac. Zayn remembers being woken up at two am the night Louis met Harry’s parents for the first time, Liam unconciously clinging to his side as Louis rambled on and on anout how he was worried that he had come off as a twat to Harry’s family when even their cat seemed to be enamored with Louis. He’d just been about to cry when Zayn heard what sounded like a window opening and a frightened yelp then Louis quickly admitted he was on the roof but Harry is naked and has found him and he _has to go now._  

 

“Whenever you’re ready, babe.” Louis cuts the silence and Zayn realizes he’s been stuck in a memory, he’s been doing that far too often lately.

 

“My-uh,” and holy shit Zayn is actually doing this, his heart is pounding and his hands are clamy but he’s still doing this, “My dad was an alcoholic.” And just like that it’s uneloquently out there.

 

“Shit.” Louis lets out in exasperated shock, “Shit, man, I had no idea.”

 

“No, I mean, like it wasn’t when we first met it was like when my parents first met eachother actually. And my mum, like, she was fucking amazing you know? She was so patient and didn’t get frustrated when he’d ring her piss drunk at eight in the morning, she just, she was _there_ for him and she helped him work through it without ever getting upset with him and they’re so in love still and I just thought-” Zayn’s crying too hard to speak now but he has to keep going or he’ll never speak up again, “I just thought I could do the same with Liam but I can’t, I’m so out of my fucking depth, mate. I’m not as strong as her and I left, I fucking left him ‘cause I’m weak and I’ve just thrown everything away, he propesed to me. He finally proposed to me and I ran like a goddam racehorse and now I’ll never have a happy family or anything my parents have.” 

 

“It’s okay Zayn, I promise you everything will be okay. Where are you now, love? Are you safe?” Of course Louis goes into caring big brother mode and this only makes Zayn burst into tears again and he’s surprised he has any left at this point.

 

“I’m-I’m by your flat.” He sobs out and he can hear Louis sigh in relief.

 

“Okay, I’m gonna need you to go inside okay? Just ask the nice guy at the front desk to let you in, tell him who you are and he’ll let you right in, I promise. I’m gonna call Niall and tell him to come help you out, okay? I don’t want you all by yourself when you’re like this, love.” Zayn nods and whimpers out an agreement then grabs his stuff and heads up to Louis and Harry’s flat. 

 

The guy at the front desk really is rather nice, he politely ignores the fact that Zayn looks like a nervous wreck and hands him a key along with a cheery smile and a wink. He hitches his bag up his shoulder and shifts his box from side to side while unlocking the door and only then does Louis speak again.

 

“You’ll be happy to know Harry decided to add HBO to the cable so put on a nice movie and Niall will be there in ten minutes, okay?” Louis sounds exhausted and gentle as he practically whispers down the line, speaking in the same voice Zayn’s heard him use with his sisters countless times.

 

“Thanks,” Zayn’s breath hitches but he’s pretty much done with crying, “Thanks, Louis, I love you.”

 

“It’s just HBO, mate, simmer down,” There’s only a short pause unitl Louis cracks, “I love you too, Zayn. And we’ll be back tomorrow around noon so I can tell you how lovely you are and Harry can cook you whatever you want.” 

 

“Can’t wait.” Zayn tries for sarcasm but his helpless sniffle kills the effect. “So how was the rehearsal?”

 

Louis scoffs and tuts, “Don’t worry about me mate, we can talk about that later. For now just make yourself up a nice bed on the couch.” Zayn tries not to be bitter over how blatanly obvious he and Harry are being about turning the guest room into a nursery. 

 

“I’ll make myself comfortable, I think Niall’s here now, I’ll call you in the morning.” They say their goodbyes and Zayn buzzes Niall up after figuring out how to use the incredibly fancy machine.

 

Niall is quiet for once, never overstepping any boundaries or forcing Zayn to talk. He’s a comforting presence, snuggled up next to each other on the couch for warmth because Harry keeps the thermostat so cold that a block of ice wouldn’t sweat a drop. 

 

He falls asleep eventually, Niall curled around his back, snoring in his ear, and most likely drooling in his hair but he doesn’t mind because he doesn’t feel lonely. He dreams of Liam, old memories flicking through his mind in exagerrated tales and when he wakes he instinctively turns to kiss said boy awake but when he finds Niall a whole new wave of more recent memories crash over him. He tries not to cry and slips from Niall’s embrace.

 

This is it. This is the first day of what his life is going to be like for an indefinite amount of time, he’ll wake up and Liam won’t be there, instead replaced by the feeling of Zayn’s heart sinking. He used to hate mornings, he’d push Liam away when the boy would try to tickle him awake or he’d turn onto his stomach when Liam would rub his bare skin soothingly to try and coax him up. He’s never regretted anything more in his life. 

 

He shakily steps into the bath tub and curls in on himself while the scalding hot water fills the room with steam. His olive skin is glowing red and stinging but he can’t feel anything other than the life he built up for the last five years crashing down around him. It doesn’t take long for Niall to come banging frantically on the door like he’s afriad Zayn has slit his wrists, which is ridiculous because if he did that then he’d never see Liam again. The thought is also ridiculous because it’s _his_ fault, _he’s_ the one who decided to abandon ship and walk out the door, not Liam. 

 

“I’m fine, Ni. Just havin’ a shower.” Zayn hates himself for how his wavering voice betrays him as he calls out through the foggy mist of the shower steam.

 

“Well you better be ‘avin a wank ‘cause you’ve been in there for twenty minutes, bro.” Zayn gives a lop sided smile to the door and shuts off the water, feeling worse when he realizes he’s just used up all the hot water and Niall would probably like a shower too.

 

“Hey, Ni.” Zayn calls out when he realizes he’s missing something, “Could ya bring me a towel and maybe steal a pair of pants from Louis’ dresser for me?” Niall cackles and Zayn can hear the muted murmur of a fond ‘fucker’ and the rest of the morning may be a bit easier so long as Niall is there to be his usual self.

 

Zayn bakes a few batches of muffins despite Niall’s offerings to take him out for a full English breakfast, he just needs to keep his hands busy and his mind on autopilot with no opportunity to roam. He doesn’t particularly like baking but he knows the recipes and it’s something to keep him preoccupied, plus seeing Niall whine like a child about how it smells so good and asking when they’ll be done is an amusing bonus. He shouldn’t be so cruel considering Niall has shut down the cafe on a Monday morning just to keep Zayn company but he can’t help but chuckle at the boy and his uncanny resemblance to a hyper active puppy. And _no_ not in the same way as Liam, not at all, he’s not allowing his mind to go there. 

 

They spend most of the morning lounging and watching the Great Gatsby on HBO and eating muffins and whatever junk food they can find in the cupboards. At one point, coincedantally around the time Daisy starts crying in a heap of Gatsby’s shirts, he starts sniffling back tears. Niall takes notice but doesn’t mention it, just scoots Zayn closer so he’s practially in his lap and squeezes tight. Zayn even starts laughing a bit manically at one point because he’s a goddamn cliche, staying in with a friend after a break up and watching romantic movies and eating his weight in sugary and salty goods. 

 

When Harry and Louis finally stumble in around noon like promised, they both coo at him and Niall crying over Gatsby’s death and drop their bags to envelop them both in hugs, Harry going to Niall and Louis holding Zayn extra tight.

 

“You’ll get through it, you’re strong, Z.” Louis whispers a promise just for his ears and places soft kiss to his temple.

 

Zayn gives a watery smile and actually finds himself looking forward to a day cooped up here snuggling with his best mates. He only thinks about Liam twice, once with guilt because Liam doesn’t have anyone that he can confide in like Zayn does. All Liam has is a bunch of brutes that like to get him drunk, Zayn has taken all their mutual friends as his own. The second time he thinks of Liam is while Louis orders some pizza and Zayn worries that Liam hasn’t been eating, has to remind himself that he’s an adult capable of feeding himself but still, he can’t help it. 

 

Before he knows it, the day has flown by and Harry is asking everyone what they’d like for dinner and out of nowhere Zayn is consumed with this  retched panic that Liam isn’t okay. That he’s just been curled up on the floor where Zayn left him. And he knows it may be a little bit manipulating to ask Harry a favor of this degree but he’s the only one that Zayn would trust to do it. Niall is too afraid of Liam and Louis is too angry at him. So he finds himself cornering Harry in the kitchen.

 

“You want me to go check on him?” Harry asks knowingly before Zayn’s even made eye contact.

 

“I-”Zayn stands there a little shocked because he’s mates with Harry, yeah, but they’ve never been remarkably close, Louis’ always been the one to pick up on his body language.

 

“It’s fine, I get it.” Harry half smiles solemnly, “I’m not gonna sit here and say I know what you’re going through ‘cause I don’t. But I do know that if it were me and Louis in your situation that I’d be worried as hell.”

 

“Thanks. I just-” Zayn cuts himself off because his breath is coming faster and he can tell if he goes on then he’ll start crying.

 

“Hey, hey, hey.” Harry soothes and wraps Zayn in a hug, “I’ll just pick up the take out on my own and stop by your place on the way back, it’s not a big deal.” 

 

“Are you gonna tell Lou?” Zayn whispers because he’s terrified that it might come between the two, and he doesn’t need another relationship he’s responsibe for ruining under his belt.

 

“Even _I_ can agree that Louis is a bit fierce when it comes to...this, but we don’t keep secrets. I’ll tell him in good timing, yeah? Let it all simmer down a bit.” And good god Zayn can see why Louis gets moody when people make comments about Harry’s looks, there’s so much more to the boy that goes unapreciated.

 

“Thanks mate, it really means a lot to me. If he’s not okay just call me, it’s not your responsibility to take care of him.” Harry grips Zayn by the shoulders then and looks into what feels like the depths of his soul. 

 

“It’s not yours either.” It’s no big revelation, Zayn knows that Liam’s a grown man that can take care of himself but he still can’t help wanting to feel needed by the boy.

 

“I know.” Zayn says dismmissively, “Take my key in case he doesn’t answer the door, and if he’s wasted then just put him to bed on his side and get yourself out of there okay?” 

 

Harry nods with serious and furrowed eyebrows and takes the key from Zayn with a wink, it’s reassuring but he’s still not quite settled once Harry leaves. He can’t help but check his phone every two seconds and Louis and Niall must think he’s waiting for Liam to call because they keep giving him these sadening looks full of pity. 

 

It’s been nearly an hour and Niall’s complaining about no food and Louis is trying failingly to hide his seperation anxiety and Zayn is staring at his phone waiting for it to light up with a message that’s not going to come. Maybe everythings alright though, maybe Harry just got chatty like he usually does and is talking to a perefectly healthy Liam. 

 

They all jump off of the couch when Harry strides through the door, Niall clinging to his order, Louis clinging to his man, and Zayn clinging to any hope that maybe Liam is okay because Harry doesn’t look too scarred. 

 

It’s not until after dinner when Louis finally seperates from Harry to shower that Zayn can finally get a word in, but as per usual Harry beats him to it, concern etched in his voice.

 

“You didn’t eat a bite.” He observes with a hushed tone even though Niall’s probably passed out in front of the tv.

 

“Wasn’t hungry,” Zayn shrugs, and it’s true, the worry in his gut is taking up too much room to even think about food, “Is Liam alright, did you get into the flat?”

 

“He was fine,” Harry lets out a breath and Zayn know what’s coming next, “but, he- he’s not okay Zayn. He needs help, like serious help. Have you looked into any rehab facilities around?”

 

“Excuse you? He doesn’t need to go to _rehab_ , just because he likes to have fun sometimes doesn’t mean he can’t control himself, he’s fine.” Zayn says defensively, breaking the whisper. He knows Harry’s right and he’s terrified because all of his suspicions are being confirmed. 

 

“Look, I dont know the extent of it ‘cause Louis likes to convice himself that ommitting the truth isnt lying, but I do know that whatever Liam has been doing drove _you_ to come here in the middle of the night, I dont mind that and I’m not trying to criminalize Li here but he’s obviously gone down the wrong path and he needs some help getting back to himself. You’re so strong, Zayn, I know it wasn’t something petty that broke you.” Zayn listenes, he’s just now realizing that Harry is the only person in all of this who has a clear mind capable of making rational decisions.

 

Louis is too protective, Zayn is too eager to dissmiss all of Liam’s wrong doings, and Niall is too non-confrontational to offer up any sort of argument. 

 

“So what do I do?” Zayn asks helplessly, he can hear the water shut off and he wants to rush the answer out of a contemplating Harry before Louis comes back into the room looking clean and fresh and distracts him.

 

“I suppose if it were me then I’d take some time to be on my own, maybe fuck off to Paris and reassure myself that life goes on. I’d probably regret it though, I’d feel like I was running from my problems. I guess the best thing you could do is maybe go back to your parents for a bit and in good timing talk things through with Liam, maybe suggest getting help.” Harry shrugs his shoulder like he’s not being the most helpful human on earth and takes a sip of his Yorkshire tea and grimaces, “Dunno how Lou thinks this is better than green tea.”

 

Harry promptly stands, starts on making some green tea, and leaves Zayn to his thoughts. Louis comes in then and grips Zayn’s shoulders before leaning down to kiss his cheek. Harry is leant against the counter waiting for the kettle to boil and smiling fondly as he watches on. Zayn thinks that he just might start meditating, he could use an outlook on life like Harry’s. 

 

Zayn decides to stay a few days, Harry and Louis make him feel welcome and he’s not sure he’s ready to face his parents yet. He’s never been through anything like this, never had to explain that he’s non longer with the man he’s loved for years. It’s as if someone’s died and he does’nt know where to start, how to begin telling people that his and Liam’s relationship is no more or if he should even tell them at all.

 

Niall opens the cafe back up and Louis and Harry go to work and life around him continues but it’s like Zayn’s on hiatus. He’s just watching the world go on without him and it’s a scary thought, that life is possible without Liam, that the world still exists when they don’t. However, nothing is scarier than the fact that this is the longest he’s gone without communicating with Liam in some way since the day they met. Even when Zayn took a field trip to Paris with his French class in year eleven and was forbidden from using his phone or the hotel’s internet he and Liam still left letters for each other to open each of the four days. 

 

By the time he gets the courage to drive to his parents’ it’s been an entire week since he’s seen Liam or spoken to him and he’d be lying if he said he didn’t feel completely lost. So lost that he doesn’t even realize he’s driving towards Liam’s childhood home instead of his own. He shakes his head and turns around, stopping for some herbal tea in hopes to calm himself. He hasn’t even called his parents to say he’s coming, didn’t want to worry them any longer than he knows he’s going to. 

 

His hands are shaking again by the time he pulls into the driveway it’s just about dinner time and he can just imagine Waliyah up in her room on her phone and his father reading on the sofa and his mother stirring a big pot of something delicious. The familiarity does nothing for his nerves though and his breath is quickening with every movement he makes while knocking on the door that he’s barged in through a million times before.

 

It’s Waliyha who answers, she takes one look at him and her jaw drops theatrically along with her phone. She looks mildly confused but throws her arms around Zayn nonetheless and it’s too much, she asks where Liam is and it’s too much and he can’t hold it in anymore, can’t pretend that everything will be the same because it’s already so different. To her credit, Waliyha doesn’t even flinch when Zayn let’s out a harsh sob and clings to her small frame, she just shushes him and scratches on his scalp while gently leading him inside.

 

“Mum.” She calls out because she’s young and she can call for help without being ashamed to do so. “Mum, Zayn’s come for a visit.” She calls again when there’s no answer, voice airy and soft as if she’s trying to not startle Zayn and he thinks that maybe she is.

 

His mother comes rushing into the den, tea towel thrown over her shoulder and a puzzled look on her face until she locks eyes with Zayn over Waliyhas shoulder and every bit of tension seems to release from her body. Shoulders sinking and eyes going soft as she approaches them.

 

Waliyha passes him off to their mother and Zayn can see the worry in her innocent eyes, the worry that he’s caused and the thought has him crying harder.

 

“Zayn, lovely, are you hurt? Is everything okay.” His mother pats his back and rocks him side to side.

 

“Li- I- I left Li-am.” Zayn hiccups and he can hear his dad trying to keep Saffaa upstairs where she’s squealing in delight about seing her big brother.

 

“Oh, darling. Come sit down, come on. Do you need anything? Can I do anything?” Zayn shakes his head and sits on the couch, clutching to his mother like a child and trying to steady his breaths.

 

“What happened, dear? Are you safe?” Zayn takes a deep, shuddering breath

 

“I don’t know, Mum. He just. I tried to be supportive like you, I tried but Im not strong, I’m no good and i just let him go and-” Zayn can’t even finish his sentence, his body too desperate for breath between his sobs.

 

His mother stays quiet and when he manages to look at her he wishes he hadn’t. He can see right through her, the guilt, the sympathy, the look of realisation that her son was following exactly in her footsteps and that Liam was as far gone as her husband had once been.

 

“Zayn,” She turns to look him in the eyes and grabs his hands, “None of this is your fault and none of this is your responsibility. Your father recovered because he wanted to and he was ready to. No two situations are the same, do you understand me, baby boy?” Zayn can’t help feel like scum, being coddled and babied for being a failure.

 

As if his mother can read his mind, and he’s seriously starting to wonder, she cups his face and looks at hims sternly, “Zayn Javaad Malik, I know you and I know you did everything you could have to help and I know that you leaving was something you thought through, and I know you love Liam but right now, the best thing you can do is give hime time and space to decide what he really wants for himself and, baby, I know you don’t want to hear this but he may not ever want to get better, he loves you, I know he does but this is rooted so much deeper, love, addiction is a powerful thing.”

 

He’s calm. The first thing he feels from his mother’s words is calm because she’s right, she does know. She always knows and she’s not just saying things she thinks a mother should say, she’s being honest and speaking from experiencce and that’s what Zayn needed. The truth, the reality of things, not just a worthless promise that everything is and will be okay.

 

“Okay,” He says and he sounds sturdier than he expected,  like he’s made a grand decision, “I think I’m gonna wash up and spend some time with Saff.” Zayn stands and his mother looks pleasantly surprised and proud.

 

“I love you, stay as long as you need to okay?” Zayn hugs his mother tightly and kisses the top of her head, she really is the greatest person on earth.

 

“I love you too, mum. Thanks for calming me down.” She flips her wrist disissively and goes back into the kitchen to finish dinner and Zayn will never not be amamzed by the amount of love and respect he has for her.

 

He showers quickly, and changes in to an old tshirt that he used to wear nearly every day when he was fifteen and an old pair of joggers that are several inches too short. He’s in his room for less than five seconds before a tiny excited knock wraps at his door. He opens it to find Saffaa looking up at him with her big, beautiful eyes holding a tray with two bowls of stew and a few pieces of bread on it very carefully.

 

“Mum says we can have a special picnic in your room, just me and you!” She smiles big and Zayn takes the tray from her and sets it on his desk so she can tackle him with the hug he knows she’s been dying to give him. She does as expected and Zayn squeezes her tightly and pets the back of her head.

 

“Missed you, Bug.” Zayn’s trying as hard as he can to not cry.

 

“Missed you more!” She exclaims and pulls out of the hug to sit cross legged on his bed. 

 

He brings the tray over to his bed and sits the same way across from his littlest sister. They eat their soup and she tells him stories about school and what colors she likes now and how many loose teeth she has and what sleep overs she’s been to and Zayn listens intently, nodding his head and teasing her as per usual. She’s such a smart kid and Zayn’s not even biased, he knows intelligence when he sees it and Safaa may be doing horrible at her times tables in school but she’s got this incredible awareness of the world that he rarely even finds in people three times her age.

 

She’s in the middle of an animated story about this fairy tale she’s been writing, something about a princess saving a prince because no one ever writes about that, when she stops abruptly tilts her head in confusion.

 

“What’s that on your ankle, Bubba?” Safaa points to the small x and Zayn forgets to breathe, it’d been the last thing on his mind during this entire experience, he’d left the ring on the night stand by their bed, or his old bed, he’s not quite sure when speaking in past tense becomes apporpriate, but he’d completely forgotten about the little screw on his ankle. 

 

“A tattoo, Saff. You’ve seen ‘em before.” Zayn tries to tease but his voice is unsteady and he wants the stupid thing off of his body now but no matter how much he scratches and rubs at it it won’t even fade.

 

“Oh, okay. Where’s Liam?” And of fucking course that has to be the curious kid’s next question, like she’s already pieced it together and she’s asking just to taunt him.

 

“Liam and I-” Zayn starts but he doesn’t know how to explain the situation to himself let alone a child, “Liam and I are spending some time away from eachother, Bug. Maybe you’ll see him some other time.”

 

“Why? I want to see him now.” For all that Zayn sees Saffaa as a little adult she still really is a child and he wishes he could shut out her quivering lip and pouty eyes.

 

“Me too Saff but sometimes things just don’t work out.” He ruffles her hair and knows he won’t be able to hold it in any longer so he shoos her out of the room and locks himself away for the night.

 

He can’t stop crying, Zayn is certain he should be out of tears by now but every time he’s reminded of Liam in some way it’s like a dam breaks and he’s sobbing into his pillow until he tires himself out. The most twisted part of it is, even after everything, he still catches himself searching out to Liam for comfort and turning to him when he’s not even there. Like in the morning when they’re all eating breakfast and Waliyha tells him with a laugh about how she turned down the boy that Zayn’s been worrying about and his first thought is how he’s going to gush to Liam about how proud he is. Or three days later when his family is desperate to distract him from his depression that his dad offers to finally teach him how to fix a flat and Zayn does it in one take and all he wants to do is gloat to Liam but he can’t. So much is changing already, there’s so much to keep track of and he knows it’s all turning into lost time.

 

Louis calls on the fourth day and he won’t speak a word aobut Liam, Zayn asks and Louis just deflects the question or ignores him all together. It’s bloody frustrating because he just wants to know if Liam’s okay. It hurts too, how Louis gently mentions too look in the mail because he and Harry finally sent out those damn invitations to the wedding shower. Zayn’s not a prick, just because he won’t get his wedding doesn’t mean he’s not happy for Louis but it just- it sucks. It really sucks because Zayn is supposed to be excited, he’s supposed to be living the best moments of his life but instead he’s back at his parents’ coming closer and closer to accepting the fact that he and Liam will probably never work things out.

 

It isn’t until Doniya stops by that Zayn sort of feels like he’s done the right thing. His gurgling, happy nephew brings a smile to his face and Doniya refrains from a fist pump and an ‘I told you so’ at Liam’s absence, just hugs Zayn tightly and murmurs about how everything will be okay eventually. 

 

He’s not sure how long eventually is but two weeks later he’s got himself a new flat right by the cafe and is working double shifts everyday just to pay for it. He feels independent, and it’s not like his and Liam’s relationship was unhealthily codependant but after five years of being with somebody you do tend to grow just a little attached, almost like you’re a unit existing together and it’s easy to forget that you’re your own person. Zayn feels like his own again.

 

Niall is finally starting to stop tip toeing around him and going back to being his usual chipper self. Louis is still gentle but tonight he’s finally started to tease Zayn again. They’re having a little flat warming party and Louis is teasing Zayn relentlessly about his color of choice as yellow and eggplant for the kitchen. 

 

“Heeyyy, I think the colors compliment each other just fine. Apologise to Zayn or I’ll force you to paint the nursery this color.” Harry whines and for a breath, the rooms freezes.

 

Louis’ eyes widen like he wantsto be mad at Harry for finally exposing them but he can’t be. Niall looks a mix of extatic and shocked and Zayn can’t even feign surprised. 

 

“I’m gonna be an uncle?” Niall practically cheers and he must be drunk because he bounds over to Harry and starts rubbing the boys stomach and cooing at it like there’s an actual child in his non existant uterus.

 

“Not yet, not yet.” Louis sighs in exasperation and tries to inconspicuously shove Niall off of Harry like he’s got something to be jealous of, “After we get back from the honeymoon we’ve got a meeting with the potential surrogate, calm your tits.”

 

Zayn smiles dopily, he imagines Harry finally getting to be the dad he always wanted to be and Louis right there by his side struggling to keep up. His heart pangs unexpectadly at thought of him and Liam building a nursery and he has to remind himself to forget about it because he’s not letting his mind go there anymore. 

 

“If it’s a boy I will accept none other than the name Zayn Malik Junior.” Zayn pipes up and Harry giggles into Louis’ shoulder and Louis looks relieved, thankful that Harry didnt upset Zayn.

 

“Couldn’t do that to the poor kid, he’d never live up to the name.” Louis says sarcastically and Zayn shoves him playfully then snuggles in to his other side. 

For a couch from a charity shop the thing shure is comftorable and perfect for cuddling. Niall’s layed out on the floor in front of them now, laughing at nothing, or maybe Louis is tickling him with his foot, Zayn wouldn’t be surprised. He almost tears up because these boys have been so good to him, not over bearing and yet always there for him. Niall distracts him by involving him with the expansion of the cafe, even offers Zayn the position of branch manager but the only reason Zayn even works at the place is for the entertainment of Niall so he politely declines the offer. Louis is doing fairly well at being his usual menacing self around Zayn, gets him involved in his pranks on Harry and is always sure to be around to act as Zayn’s personal pest while he attempts to work on his art. 

 

Harry, Harry is the true saint in all of it. He allows Zayn one question a day about Liam, who he’s apparently keeping tabs on through various social media sites. He warns Zayn that he’s going to reduce the allotted questions to one every few days then one a week and then eventually none. It’s what Zayn needs, to keep tabs until he’s absolutely positive that Liam isn’t going to end up over dosing. Harry tells him that Liam has mainly been posting cryptic tweets about missing Zayn but there’s also still a heavy stream of videos from parties filling up his instagram. Zayn can’t say he’s suprised.

 

Zayn manages to kick them all out with enough time left to paint a bit before going to bed to get enough sleep to not be a complete zombie the next day. He decides on his water colors, a medium of art he hasn’t practiced in a while. He tests out the color and water levels and different brush strokes. He’s not sure exactly what he’s painting, just a blend of colors to get a feel for the opaqueness of the paints. It’s not until he takes a break that he realizes what he’s actually done. 

 

Zayn hates his repressed memories with a passion, especially when they creep up and manifest themselves into his art. He’s painted a sky scraper, a vague skyline, and what is definitely an ominious shadow standing on the edge of the building. He’s not sure it’s what otheers would see, maybe he’s just looking for something that isn’t there but to him it looks like the worst night of his life. He only takes a minute to look at the painting before dumping the jar of water he’d set out to wet his brushes over the scene to wash it away. He’ll clean the mess up later, now he wants to sleep. Zayn loves fake wood floors.

 

Zayn hadn’t realized it until he had to start storing his artwork in random places around his flat, but he’s really getting in to the whole art as an outlet thing. He’s not sure what to do with it all, he certainly doesn’t want to keep it, he wants to burn half of it for reflecting his insecurities about Liam so clearly. It’s Niall who gives him the idea when he invites the kid over for a pint and a good old movie marathon a week after the flat warming party.

 

“I bet ya some hipster would pay thousands for this,” Niall is thumbing at a canvas and Zayn shrugs nonchalantly, it’s just his outlet, it’s nothing amazing, he’s tried to get it noticed before but nobody ever took a liking to it.

 

 “Here, let’s do an experiment.”Nialls sets his drink down and pulls out his phone, taking a picture of the painting and cackling to himself delightedly a few seconds later.

 

“Ha! I told Harry I was out shopping and asked him if he wanted me to pick it up for him ‘cause it was only seventy five pounds and he said ‘Where are you and why are they giving away pretty paintings for such a good price’ Christ!” Niall laughs at himself some more and Zayn shifts his weight  and bites his thumbnail because Niall’s probably lying or maybe Harry recognised the painting and is just trying to boost his confidence. 

 

“Yeah well, that’s Harry. He also spends hundreds of pounds on a single headscarf.” Zayn dismisses Niall and plops himself down on the couch, Niall follows suit and throws his legs over Zayn’s lap.

 

“I’m just sayin’, mate. There’s an art show in the studio across from the cafe next week, you should at least see if you can start selling ‘em around thirty pounds and see how it goes.” Niall drops the topic after that like he knows Zayn is mulling it over in head.

 

Zayn ends up entering five average pieces of his work, priced at thirty pounds each. He sells every single one of them. He also gets several important looking people’s business  cards and a few business offers. It’s so surreal, he knew he had somewhat of a natural talent but the never really thought his work was original enough to stand out. The first thing he does is take Niall out to dinner as a thank you. 

 

X

 

Zayn catches himself doing this thing sometimes, where whenever he leaves his flat he feels like he’s constantly looking for Liam. Hoping, almost, that they’ll stumble upon each other and it’s already been a little over a month but he thinks they could fall back into the way the were easily. Then he has to remind himself that they weren’t exactly the best when they parted ways, or when Zayn parted from Liam really.

 

Most of his paintings are scenes of Liam that he plays out in his head. Them meeting again, Liam getting even worse, Liam alone or Liam with a new guy. It’s not like anyone who doesn’t know can see it, to everyone else it’s just blobs of color. Blobs of color that are apparently worth money, and lots of it. He’s been selling at least three paintings a week and is making enough so that he could quit at the cafe but he loves Niall too much and he’d rather not sit around his flat all day. 

 

Harry’s stopped giving him information on Liam and it’s adding to his anxiety, everyone picks up on it and goes in to over drive trying to make sure he doesn’t fall into a depression. Harry takes him out for ice cream, Niall lets Zayn pick the movie type for their marathon three movie nights in a row, and Louis takes him out shopping for new clothes on the claims that Zayn’s are covered in paint.

 

Zayn’s not really sad, per say, he’s just sort of numb. Or maybe more like a fumbling baby fawn as he tries to re learn how life works without Liam. The first noticeable thing is his sexual frustration, and that’s only because it’s physical and begging to be felt. He can’t even do anything about it because his internet still isn’t set up and the only thing he has in his wank bank of a brain is Liam and it feels wrong, almost like he’d be violating him. And that’s ridiculous because they’ve defiled each other a hundred times over.

 

Even though he wakes up with a hard on every morning the first thing he feels is a gaping hole in his heart, it’s like a splash of cold water to the face everytime he turns and realizes Liam isn’t there with him. Niall keeps telling him it will get better eventually but Niall also has never been in a serious relationship, just an on and off fling that he won’t introduce to anyone, Zayn’s not even sure she exists. It’s the only reason Zayn agreed to go to Niall’s flat because he’s so damn bored he actually found the idea of snooping around to find any traces of this girl fun. He’s pathetic.

 

Niall insists they play FIFA and even though Zayn sucks and claims it’s rigged they still have fun. Zayn is slightly disapointed that there aren’t any frilly knickers laying around or any pictures for him to tease Niall about. 

 

“Bro, are you letting me win?” Niall asks halfway through their second game and Zayn stops pressing random buttons to look at Niall innocently.

 

“I would never. You’re just that good.” Zayn holds a straight face for two seconds before cracking into a smirk.

 

“Whatever, it’s doing wonders for my team score.” Zayn rolls his eys and tosses his controller aside, Liam usually sat in for Zayn whenever Niall wanted to play FIFA. 

 

“How long do you think it takes before I stop thinking about him?” Zayn whispers and slumps on to Niall’s shoulder, Niall pauses the game immeadiately and holds Zayn, it’s not every day he let’s any of them in on what’s going on inside his head.

 

“I don’t know mate. I have- uh, if it’s not too soon, I have an old mate from when I was starting up the cafè that you might be interested in, he’s a bit older but I imagine he’s a good shag too if you just want that.” Zayn snorts then freezes up because it hadn’t even dawned on him that he might eventually see someone else, have to be intimate with someone else and the thought is fucking terrifying.

 

“Sorry, sorry. I’m not trying to pressure you if you’re not ready I mean it’s only been like two months or summat I just-” Zayn zones out Niall’s rambling, too caught up in the idea of kissing someone else, he hasn’t snogged anyone but Liam since the day they got together and he’s not sure he’d know how to touch someone in any other way than Liam likes to be touched. 

 

“What if I’m like ruined? What if I can’t have sex with anyone else? Oh god.” Zayn sits up and runs a hand through his hair, fingers getting caught because he thought styling it curly would help bring change or some shit. 

“You’re not ruined, mate. Trust me, we could go out to any club and you’d pull in like two minutes tops.” Niall reassures him and pats his back and why can’t kissing be a thing mates do, Zayn hasn’t been kissed in months, that’s all he wants, a little affection. 

 

“I don’t want to pull though, I want Liam.” Zayn doesn’t realize he’s crying until Niall is wiping away at the tears on his cheeks and pulling Zayn into his lap which is an easy feat, Zayn was already tiny but sometimes he gets in these moods and he forgets to eat and he’s lost a bit of weight, he should probably eat more. 

 

“You don’t want Liam. You want the healthy, innocent version of him, Zayn.” Zayn sniffles and he wants to punch Niall because he’s supposed to be the mental friend that takes Zayn out and gets him drunk and laid, he’s not meant to be sensible.

 

“How is he?” Zayn asks and he knows it’s manipulative but he knows if asks while not crying then he’ll never get an answer.

 

“He’s,” Niall sighs and Zayn cuddles into him closer, bracing for whatever blow Niall is about to take, “He’s still... having fun.” Niall soothes the words over with a kiss to Zayn’s temple like he can read Zayn’ mind.

 

Zayn doesn’t really know what he expected. He’s just suprised that it took this long to realize that Liam never thought he was worth fighting for.

 

\-----

 

Liam stares into the mirror and even in the eery green lighting he can tell his jaw will be bruised for at least a week, it feels like he’s got a few broken teeth but it’s too hard to tell with all the blood pouring out of his mouth. Liam stares into the mirror and thinks if he ever has a son that turns out like this then he’ll ship him off to the Galapagos Islands to become one with nature and never even think about getting his hands on any drugs. He should be crying out and immobilized from the pain but he doesn’t feel a goddam thing. Not even when he prods at his broken nose and punches the mirror into a million shards that dig into his knuckles so deep he’ll probably be pulling them out with tweezers for hours.

 

His heart hurts though. His soul is dying because he’ll probably never see his perfect fiance again, or ex-fiance he guesses. He can’t even blame Zayn for running off back home, he’s actually more inclined to thank him than anything else. Liam doesn’t deserve him, doesn’t even deserve to think about Zayn because all he’ll do is make him even more miserable and Zayn deserves to be fucking euphoric and that isn’t possible if he’s around. He’s learnt, he knows.

 

Liam thinks about earlier that day, having to pack up his office because he finally got fired. He thinks about how his first thought was that Zayn was going to be so disapointed in him and then the thought that Zayn might not ever know. Liam’s well aware of the fact that Harry’s been stalking his twitter and instagram because the boy has accidentally like one too many of his old pictures and tweets for it to be a coincidence. He’s stopped posting as much, usually only does so when he’s drunk or high but he was sure to leave his phone at home in case his drunken mind chose to cry to twitter about his lost job.

 

Just two more weeks at the place and he would have gotten the promotion he’d been working for forever. The promotion that would’ve given him the financial security to support Zayn _and_ a baby if he could’ve convinced him to leave the damn cafe. Liam thinks that maybe Zayn always knew Liam wasn’t strong enough to take care of them both, if that’s why he refused to quit working even though he really didn’t have to. And now Liam is lonely with all this extra money because Zayn never let him spend it on him. 

 

It’s natural really, that he ended up relying on drugs even more. He just wishes he hadn’t decided to get in a fight because he has to go job hunting sooner or later and he won’t exactly make a good impression looking like he’s been mauled. It’s stupid, because he didn’t even start shoving the guy because he was completely wasted and thought someone bumping in to him was a challenge for a dual. He did it almost completely sober because some guy tried to dance with him and he was inexplicably enraged by the fact that it wasn’t Zayn who was touching him. 

 

So basically, Liam isn’t handling things very well. He refuses to call it a break up because he never really got closure, there was never a final ‘we’re done’ Zayn just _left_. Liam knows Zayn has his reasons but he still gets angry sometimes when he’s particularly vulnerable and self pitying and convinces himself that everything is Zayn’s fault for not helping him.

 

If he could turn back time he would’ve never sent those pictures, actually, if he could turn back time he would’ve never even started going out in the first place. 

 

Liam is sucked back in to reality by the bathroom door swinging open and shut, the noise of the busy club drifitng in and out. He quickly reaches for a paper towel but the dispenser is completely empty so he’s just left there holding his bloody nose back awkwardly. He doesn’t even know why he bothers calling the people that ran off as soon as he got hit his friends. 

 

“Rough night?” The man asks, he’s younger looking, can’t be over twenty and Liam feels like such a failure.

 

Liam shrugs and takes off his flannel, runs it under the tap, and pats at his nose with his discarded shirt, wincing in pain. 

 

“Want me to see if they’ve got a first aid kit behind the bar or somethin?” The guy asks and honestly  Liam should teach him a lesson to not be so kind and trusting but he supposes the kid will learn it on his own over time.

 

“Thanks, mate. I think I’m good.” Liam slurs with a swollen mouth full of blood and prods at his cheek some more.

 

“You sure you can get home alright, I could help you? Or my place is just around the corner if you wanna...” The guy asks and Liam’s heart flutters and his breath catches because there it is, the proposition he’s being trying to get away from all night.

 

 He hasn’t been with anyone since Zayn, he’s had plenty of opportunity, guys and girls throwing themselves at him because in the dark of the club alls they can see is his tight shirt clinging to his abs, not his sunken, hollowed out face or the injection marks littering his upper arms. Liam shakes his head and presses up from where he’s been leaning against the counter, only stumbles a bit dizzily for a second.

 

“I’m engaged.” He murmurs and shakily walks out of the bathroom and straigt through the exit. 

 

Liam bursts into to tears the second he gets home. The flat still reeks of Zayn, or maybe it doesn’t, maybe he’s just imagining it but no matter how many times he washes the sheets and no matter how many candles he burns he can still smell the heady scent of stress smoking, coffee, and cinamon. He’s so far gone for Zayn it’s ridiculous and he hates his fucking addiction getting in the way of that.

 

Liam never in a million years thought he had an addictive personality, he’d heard the stories of druggies wasting their lives away because they got addicted after one hit but he never thought that he would be one of those people. But then again nobody ever supposes they are because then why would they try it in the first place. The scariest part is coming to terms with the fact that it’s an actual defect, that his brain is flawed. 

 

He knows he needs help, he’s been researching it like crazy but due to that research he’s also very awary of what the withdraw is like and it’s fucking terrifying. Liam so badly wants to get sober for Zayn (if Zayn even wants him anymore) he’s just not sure he has the strength to. He’s tried a thousand times to make little pacts with himself to not go out anymore, to not let his mates fuck with his head but every time he get’s seduced by the allure of the alcohol and the temptation of the drugs.

  
Liam could call Zayn at any moment, lord knows he did non stop the first few days just to hear his voicemail, bu the thing is, he knows Zayn needs time. He respects Zayn enough to let him figure things out on his own, he just hopes that he’ll end up coming back, he’s horrible at functioning without Zayn. Zayn was always there to blow out the candles he forgot he starting burning, always offered an artistic eye when Liam couldn’t get the spread of magazine right, always reassured Liam in everything he did and now it’s radio silence.  

 

On the other hand he’s not ready for Zayn to come back, wouldn’t even know where to begin explaining in depth why he almost got arrested or why he can’t just stop talking to the people he does. He’s just so happy that Zayn has Louis, even if the prick probably convinced Zayn to leave in the first place he’s still protective and Liam trusts him to take care of Zayn without fucking him, he’s so arse over tits for Harry. Liam has nothing to worry about, except for the whole putting himself back together bit.

 

Liam stands under the spray of the shower for so long, blood swirling down the drain. He’s not even sure he’s stopped bleeding and he should probably go to the hospital but he doesn’t care, he’s broken inside he might as well show it on the outside. He goes to sleep suffocated by a comforter that smells like being abandoned feeling nothing but worthless.

 

\-----

 

Louis’ being fussy. Usually Harry has all the patience in the world, especially when it comes to Louis, but lately he’s been so moody and reluctant to sit still and have a cuddle and Hary starts to worry. He thinks maybe Louis’ getting a low key case of cold feet and honestly they’re past the point of being shy and reserved for each other so Harry doesn’t think twice about asking while Louis’ pounding into him as his reward for cooking such a spectacular dinner. 

 

“Do you wanna -ngghh, _fuck_ \- do you wanna marry me?” Because Louis _would_ hit his prostate right when he was about to speak. 

 

Louis looks confused for a second but keeps his pace thrusting, “Um, sort of thought we were already engaged with the whole- wedding thing happening in a few monts, love.” 

 

Louis’ a sarcastic little minx and Harry clenches tight around him to get the smirk off his face, pulling a high moan out of him.

 

“I mean, you’re not regretting it are you? You still wanna committ to me, right.” Louis looks like Harry is a foreign entity and pulls out of him abruptly to sit back on his haunches and just stare.

 

“You do talk some shit, Harold.” Louis sighs in exasperation and crawls up the bed to wrap himself around Harry, hardened cock pressed into his side.

 

“You’ve been acting weird lately! I thought you’d been planning your escape or something.” Louis kisses up and down Harry’s jaw and tugs him off slowly.

 

“I promise, it’s nothing to do with your perfect self. Don’t be such a narrcisist.” Harry rolls his eyes fondly and Louis giggles in his ear because he thinks he’s just so god damned funny doesn’t he.

 

“Well then why have you been acting like all... antsy lately?” Harry doesn’t really know how to decribe his restlesness.

 

“Babe, can we at least get off first. I’m sort of gagging for it over here.” Louis reasons and Harry guffaws when he turns his head to find Louis with one of his head scarves in his mouth like a gag and hmm, they’ll definitely have to entertain the twitch Harry’s cock gives at some point later on.

 

Louis doesn’t take long before he’s spent, slipping back out of Harry and cleaning him up too quickly, Harry likes to feel Louis inside him and dripping out of him. Harry sighs, swirling his come around on his stomach with his finger and Louis swats at him and mutters under his breath about how he’s such a child and Harry doesn’t miss the wide grin that Louis is trying to hide by ducking his head. 

 

“I think, I don’t know. I feel bad for everything that’s happening with Zayn like uneasy about it. I mean I know they need to be apart for a bit but I feel like shit, Liam is a nice guy deep down and it breaks my heart everytime I catch Zayn looking completely lost and upset when he thinks no one’s looking.” Louis lets out once they’re all clean and cuddled in bed, Harry kisses the top of Louis’ head and pulls him closer so he can’t see the small smile on his lips.

 

“I think the word you’re looking for is guilt.” Harry says coyly and he just knows Louis is either scowling or rolling his eyes, or both most likely.

 

“Well yeah, I told Zayn Liam was shit for him and now that they’re apart Zayn is all depressd and of course I feel like it’s my fault, I sent him subliminal messages everyday telling him to break up with Liam.”

 

“ Zayn broke up with Liam for his own reasons. _Don’t be such a narcasist, Boo Bear. “_ Louis is in love with possibly the most frustratingly enderaing person on earth.

 

“I’m just saying it feels like shit having my best mate feeling like shit over something I thought would make him happy.” Harry sighs and turns onto his side to face Louis.

 

“Look, how would you feel if we broke up? That’s what Zayn’s going through. He’s not thinking about how things got rough for them towards the  end there, he’s thinking about all the good stuff they had that he can never get back.” Louis knows Harry is smart and worldly and possibly the most reasonable person on earth but sometimes he wishes he didn’t make so much sense.

 

“I- yeah, I get it. Thanks, lovely.” Louis cuddles into Harry’s chest with every intention of calling it a night but then he feels Harry take in a breath that means he’s about to start talking again and they really know each other too well.

 

“Now that that’s settled. I was thinking a pastel yellow or green for the nursery, none of that gender norm shit.” Louis smiles to himself, ever since Harry made friends with a drag queen from his yoga class he’s suddenly become hell bent on respecting an entire world of gender assignment and how it’s different than someone’s sex, or maybe it’s the other way around, Louis’ distracted by how amazing of a person Harry is to listen.

 

“I think that sounds perfect. Y’ve always got the best ideas, babes.” He can feel Harry blushing and he makes sure to kiss his chest one last time before falling asleep.

 

\----

 

Louis and Harry come over one afternoon with flecks of light yellow paint in their hair, looking well fucked, and prepared to annoy Zayn. Today is the two month mark of his abandoning Liam and apparently they think he’s going to do something stupid beccause of it. He feels like he’s on lock down, anchored between the two of them, pretending to watch tv while they talk about whatever it is they’re giggling about, honestly it’s like they have their own language, hand signals included and all. 

 

Zayn feels like he’s going to puke. He just wants to paint and sleep and brood because he’s allowed to be upset over this. He’s not even sure how their relationship started all those years ago. They’d been friends for a bit and as soon as they both were of the age that they had some inkling of an idea of what love is, they just sort of happened. No hidden feelings, no secret confessions of love, they just made sense. And now he wonders how there relationship ended, wonders if they even really happened or if the last half a decade of his life was all a lie. 

 

“Looouuuu,” Harry whines out of nowhere and Zayn nearly startles but he’s too deep in his head, “I’m bored, we should do something fun.”

 

“Whadya say Zaynie? Ya up to a threesome, that sounds like fun?” Louis’ not even paying attention, too focused on whatever show he’s watching and just trying to say something with enough shock value to shut them up.

 

“Ha, ha.” Zayn humors Louis with a joyless laugh.

 

“Oh c’mon Zayn, it’ll beat sitting here and doing nothing.” Harry runs a hand up Zayn’s chest and he’s not quite sure how he feels about Harry using him for his games.

 

As intended, Louis’ head snaps away from the tv and he literally grabs Harry’s hand and pulls him over Zayn and into his lap, whispering what sounds like a ‘ _your hands are for me and me only, d’ya understand, Curly_?” _._

 

Zayn rolls his eyes, because really as well as they know each other he’d think Louis would be able to detect the very pleased smirk Harry is trying to hide and figure out that it was all to rile him up. 

 

“Let’s go to record shop yeah? You two enjoy frivilous spending on old music you could just get off the internet right?” Louis pats Harry on the thigh and they both stand, looking expectantly down at Zayn.

 

“You’re one to talk about _frivilous spending_ , Tommo.” Zayn mutters and moodily grabs his wallet and phone and stomps out of the door and all the way to Harry’s stupid vintage car.

 

The shop he’s taken to isn’t all that bad, although he’d never admit it. There is table after table lining the walls and in aisles in the center with crates placed on top and filled with each album based on genre and Zayn could kiss the owner when he sees they’re even filed in alphabetical order. Harry heads straight to the seventies folk music, naturally, and Louis follows him, yapping about this and that and everything he sees and Zayn wonders if he’s high. Zayn heads towards the bins labeled ‘classics’ by the front shop window. He’s practically drooling over the selection of artists, some he’s never even heard of but he imagines are great anyways if they’ve managed to make into the classics section. He skims his fingers over the tops of the records, concentration setting in, his muscles relaxing for a long search through the shop. 

 

It’s just as he’s claimed a copy of an old Michael Jackson record that he chances a look up through the shop window. He’s not even sure why he does, he just gets this sudden feeling that he needs to and his jaw literally drops when he looks into the small conveniant store across the street and sees him. Liam. Just staring at a shelf of the aisle he’s standing in, looking far too thoughtful, jaw clenched, brow furrowed, and mouth set in a vague frown. 

 

Zayn’s fingers twitch and he wonders if he could sneak out somehow, run across the street and hold Liam and never let him go all without Louis noticing. It’s rdiculous, his brain knows but apparently his heart has control over his body and he starts walking towards the exit of the shop, slowly and in a daze like a zombie or android of some sort. He’s just opened the door and stepped a glorious first step outside of the record shop when he feels the sharp contact of presumably Louis’ hand gripping his fore arm and yanking him back into the shop.

 

“Oh no you don’t.” Louis says dutifily and Zayn chances one last pouting glance over his shoulder and fate must be real because it’s at that exact moment that Liam exists the shop from across the street, eyes meeting Zayn’s.

 

Zayn sees a thousand different emotions pass over Liam’s face in the span of two seconds. _Recognition, betrayal, longing, helplessness_ , and last of all, _pure unadulturated love._ Liam starts walking towards Zayn like they’re magnets being pulled together, not looking as he crosses the street and Zayn doesn’t even want to scold him for it, he just wants to run to him, or from him. His mind is sending out so many warnings signals his fight or flight intuition is all turned around.

 

Zayn wants to rejoice and tip Liam back into a kiss in the middle of the street like the romantic he is but he also wants to duck under a table of records and hide. Liam looks heavenly in a way, like a fallen angel but he also looks hellish, like an innocetly decieving demon. Zayn can practically feel his mind at war with his heart, tiny soldiers pulling his emotions this way and that. He almost whimpers at just the sight of Liam, feels like the world is taunting him because it would just be so easy to take him back. If Liam even wanted him back. Oh god, does Liam even want him back?

 

“Harry!, “ Louis calls, “C’mon, babe. We’re leaving.” 

 

Harry lets out a dopey protest but responds to Louis’ call anyways, freezing when he realizes what’s happening.

 

“Lou, calm down...” Harry starts instructing breathing exercises and Zayn uses the distraction to slide of Louis’ grip and push the door open again just as Liam is stepping onto the curb.

 

“Hi.” Zayn breaths and, well, he hadn’t really planned much after that.

 

Up close Liam looks...rough. He’s got deep, dark bags under his eyes and he looks weak in his over sized grey sweat shirt and basketball shorts. His head is shaved and his skin is papery pale and his eyes, his warm brown eyes are completely lackluster. Liam’s standing there under Zayn’s scrutiny without flinching, bag of what looks like a box of tea hanging limply by his side, head bowed and bottom lip drawn in and god damn he looks so helpless. Zayn wants to reach out, to coddle and comfort. He nearly does, arm lifting and brain short ciruiting when Louis rushes out and pulls him back into his arms again. 

 

“Shit! Zayn! Get back here.” Louis calls just as Liam looks down and murmurs something unitelligable.

 

“What was that, lo-” Zayn almost slips, almost but it still makes Liam blush.

 

Zayn furrows his brows and dips his head in an attempt to drown out Louis and focus on Liam.

 

“I’m going to... to rehab.” Zayn thinks he hears but he can’t get his hopes up, but judging by the way Louis shuts up and elbows Harry in the gut as he gets out an oblivious “congratu-owww!”  he might nit be too far off.

 

“Rehab?” Zayn repeats dumbly, suddenly Liam is all that exists, not the busy street or Louis and Harry or the people bumping into them all unapolegitaclly, just Liam.

 

“Yeah, proper posh facility in Chelsea and all that,” Liam grips the back of his neck and makes a nervous attempt to lighten the mood.

 

“Zayn.” Louis’ voice rings in his ears, breaking the silence of Zayn just straing at Liam because really? He’s actually getting help? Zayn leaving was all it took? 

 

He feels a strange mix of hurt and overjoyed and completely bewildered.

 

“I- that’s-” Zayn wants to say a million things at once but can only stare at Liam’s slightly worried looking face.

 

He’s just so taken aback, he shouldn’t be though. He knows Liam, knew along he’d come around. But now that it’s actually happening he feels an overwhelming warmth of pride and love in his chest and he wants to tell Liam just as much but he can’t now, can he? They’re broken up, aren’t they? It’s not like Zayn ever bothered removing his tiny tattoo or giving Liam back the engagement ring he swore he thought he left on the night stand but wears on a chain every day. So maybe he can tell Liam exactly what he’s feeling. Or maybe Louis fucking Tomlinson will pull him away before he gets the chance.

 

“Sorry, mate. We’ve really got to get going. Busy day and all that. See ya.” Louis rambles and pulls Zayn away and down the street, he stumbles along blindly, still in a sort of shock from Liam and the news that he’s actually getting help.

 

Zayn turns and looks over his shoulder, watching as Liam just stands there and watches him with a hint of a smile on his face, the sun shining behind him. Zayn uses his free arm to throw a small and slightly awkward wave over his shoulder that Liam returns, grin growing imposibly wide.

 

- _\----_

 

 _“_ I saw him while I was out today. It was like fate ya know? I didn’t even really need anything I just figured I’d pop into town just for something to do and then I ended up at some shop I never even go to just because it felt right and then just as I was buying my tea I saw him in the music place across the street. He looked beautiful like he always does when he’s concentrated, he hasn’t changed at all, he’s still so magnificent, no matter what he looks like but he had his hair down and natural so it was a bit curly and-” 

Liam stops himself, figures continuing with a ‘ _and I wanted to drop to my knees for him right then and there.’_ wouldn’t be the best thing to say to his sister.

 

“That’s great Li, does he know about-” Ruth stops herself, always does like the rest of his family.

 

Liam had finally gotten help, after that night at the club. Saw getting fired as his opportunity of being completely free to get better. His therpaist had suggested rehab, told him it was nothing to be ashamed of, that everyone should go every once in a while to recooperate but his family still thinks it’s something to keep a secret.

 

“Yeah, I told him, he seemed... surprised I think but his eyes looked hopeful, like he wants me to get better.” Ruth hums, acknowleding his rambling. All of their daily conversations turn into ones about Zayn if they speak for more than ten minutes.

 

“He almost called me love. I think he meant it too, like it wasn’t just habbit. I can’t wait to go to rehab and get better, I’m gonna get better, Roo. I’m gonna forget about all the mess I got myself into and things wil be bettter.” Ruth doesn’t really know the extent of it, no one does except for Zayn because he kept his broken life so sheltered for so long, never visiting home or inviting his family to visit.

 

“I know you will, Li.” Ruth yawns and Liam feels guilty, he knows she’s been busy with work lately but he couldn’t help but call her right after he got home he was so excited, suddenly breathing in the stale scent of Zayn in the air was annything but suffocating.

 

“Sorry, I know you’re busy, I just- I really love him.” Liam sighs, daydreaming like a child.

 

“Don’t apologise, Li. Call whenever you like. I’m always here for you, no matter what you need to get off your chest.” Liam smiles. Ruth was the one to step up after he told his family about his problems, he thinks she feels a bit guilty for not ever noticing but she’s being so kind now, so understanding and he loves her more than ever for it.

 

“Thanks, I’ll let you go though, I know you’ve got a million other things you should be doing.” Liam teases.

 

“You’re always top priority though, talk to you later, lovely.” Liam says his last goodbye, they don’t mention the fact that its the last time they’ll speak before he checks himself into the facility tomorrow morning. Ruth is horribe at goddbyes, always crying like their mother so they keep it casual and pretend it’s just like any other phone call.

 

Liam hangs up and immeadiately his fingers start picking at a loose thread on the couch, dopey smile fading and leg bouncing. He’s so anxcious since he’s been cutting back on his consumption of drugs and alcohol and he tries not to think about how it will only get a thousand times worse once he’s in rehab and has to quit everyting all together. His heart starts racing along with his thoughts and he can’t call Ruth again like he usually would when feeling like this. He can’t worry her now after just talking about how hopeful he felt. 

 

He’s been going back and forth with his decision to go to rehab, it’s only a month long program but it’s a month long because it’s intense as all fuck. Liam’s scared and nervous and has had to hide his phone from himself several times in the last week in order to prevent himself from calling and asking to be removed from the program. He’s been so up in the air and suspicious about the whole thing and sitting here and thinking of all the things that could go wrong he feels like he’s made a horrible mistake. He’s too weak to handle the withdraw, he’s not strong enough to stray from the life he signed his soul to, he’s not prepared for the emotional and physical stress it will bring.

 

Liam has to cancel, he has to, he can’t do this.

 

He shakily dials the number, memorised from the amount of times he’s nearly talked himself out of this but this isn’t like all those times. 

 

This time he’s actually going to do it.

 

Liam’s thumb hovers over the call button and his phone buzzes.

 

He nearly drops the damn thing, muscles going weak when he catches a glance at a sight he hasn’t seen in god knows how long as ‘ ** _Bambi <3’_**pops up at the top of the screen.

 

Instantly he opens the text, call forgotten.

 

_proud of you xx_

 

Liam stares at his phone reading and rereading to be sure that this isn’t some cruel joke because Zayn is talking to him. Albeit through a text but it still floods Liam’s heart with love and giddiness. He clutches his phone to his heart and begins worrying over a response. If he’s learned anything from all of this it’s that honesty is his best possible choice.

 

_im doing it all for you, for us_

 

This is Zayn, for christ sakes. Liam doesn’t really have to think twice about his response. 

 

He can hear his therapist tutting at him, reminding him to love himself before he loves Zayn, to do this for himself and not anyone else. But the thing is, Zayn is a part of him, even if they aren’t exactly a unit anymore, Zayn will always be responsible for ninety five percenct of the person that Liam is. 

 

He doesn’t wait for a response, doesn’t really expect one really. Liam decides to end the day on a good note and make a cup of tea and have an early night in bed, enjoy a bit of time to himself before he goes away for a while.

 

It’s just as Liam’s about to doze off that his phone buzzes again and his tummy and chest flutter because he know it’s Zayn, the only other person that would text him is Ruth and they’ve already spoken their parting words to eachother.

 

Liam opens the text with excitement and hope and a little bit of fear blazing through his veins.

 

_how long?_

 

Is all it says and Liam smiles a watery thing of a smile because Zayn cares.

 

_a month_

 

Is all Liam says because he doesn’t want to push the boundaries, doesn’t want to scare Zayn away.

 

_good luck x_

 

Comes Zayn’s response not a minute later and Liam falls asleep in a daze, phone clutched to his chest and softly smiling, feeling greater than any high he’s ever experienced.

 

\----

 

Zayn stares at his phone for what feels like hours, to the point where his eyes sting and his hand nearly permanently molds its tight clutch to the thing.

 

The first text had come easy enough, simple pleasentries and a few kisses because thats what all of Zayn’s texts look like and it just made sense to tell Liam, to encourage him the minute Louis and Harry finally left him on his own. Then came Liam’s response and he was completely floored for at least an hour, had to set his phone down and paint it out. _For you, for us._ Because dear christ when did Liam get so poetic. Was it even poetic? Is Zayn just so completely still in love that anything Liam could have said would have sounded like a romantic declaration.

 

He decided on a simple, casual question because Zayn’s good at casual, amazing even. So great at it that he definitely did not re write the text five times and almost squeel once he recieved a response.

 

A month. One month of Liam dedicating his entire life to recovering. One month of quitting his old ways cold turkey and learning how to keep it that way even after being released. Zayn wished him luck. Not that Liam needed it, but still. Zayn wants Liam to know someone is there for him, even if it may not be all that appropriate given their situation and even if Louis kills him after finding out he’s texting Liam, let alone still has his number saved. Just in case Liam’s family haven’t taken things in stride, just in case Liam is all alone with no support and god Zayn needs to stop imaging things like that, he’s already got enough paintings to sell for the rest of the year.

 

He shakes off the thoughts, imagines Liam sleeping soundly and peacefully because Zayn hopes he still has that sort if effect on him. 

 

The next morning there is a suprising lack of Louis and Harry or Niall given the previous days’ events. Zayn hopes that maybe they’re finally figuring out that all he needs every now and again is some peaceful alone time. He has a lay in, his shift doesn’t start until one and it’s a rainy day, perfect for sitting in bed on his laptop with a cup of tea. His cable is finally connected and he spends a good portion of the hour googling rehabilition facilities in Chelsea, he just wants to make sure Liam is in good hands is all, it’s not with creepy intentions. 

 

He’s made it through his entire morning without a single text or call from Louis and he only notices as much when he checks the time on his phone to see how late his as he descends the stairs in a hurry after accidentally dozing off. Zayn hasn’t gotten any notifications whatsoever and its relaxing yet worrysome because its so unlike them all. At least by this point in the day Harry has usually shot him a casual philisophical question or two but today theres absolutely nothing. He’ll ask Niall about it when he gets to the cafe, it’ll distract him from Zayn’s tardiness as well squealch his own underlying worry. He’s inexplicably emotional about Liam going away for a month which is ridiculous because he hadn’t even seen him in two until yesterday. Today is just all sorts of odd.

 

Zayn walks into the cafe and Niall greets him sunnily and pulls him into a hug that Zayn actually appreciates. He needs affection and sweets and he has shamelessly been planning to eat cakes all throughout his shift. Niall looks normal enough, his face is an open book and Zayn would be able to tell if anything were wrong just by looking at him so he asks about Louis with a little less worry in his heart.

 

“Have ya heard from Louis or Harry today?” Zayn asks nonchalantly and clocks in while tying his apron on, always running late has taught him to double task.

 

“Yeah, Lou stopped by this morning to pick up some samples for the cake tasting, I already know what kinda wedding cake I’m making them so I don’t know why he even bothered. I’ve got this massive four tiered thing planned out, four different flavors all with buttercream icing, it’s gonna be wicked.” Well wedding planning really should’ve been on the top of the list for reasons why Louis and Harry were collectively absent from his inbox.

 

“You sure this wedding cake isn’t just for you, Niall?” Zayn asks with a smirk and Niall shrugs, that’s a yes then. Zayn laughs and Niall cackles and life is normal despite everything Liam must be going through right now.

 

He feels incredibly guilty the entire day. No matter how busy Zayn tries to keep himself with cleaning displays and playing bakers assistant for Niall, his mind stays in a cloud. He can’t stop thinking about Liam and how unfair life is, Liam doesn’t deserve to suffer, he can’t handle all the trouble he’s gotten himself in to. Zayn’s glad Liam is getting help but imaging him alone and dealing with withdraw is scary as shit. He wants to be there for him and a couple of stilted texts after months of silence isn’t enough and only makes him feel worse. 

 

 Zayn spends his thirty minute break contemplating visiting Liam in rehab. It’s completely impossible what with not even knowing what facility he’s in and being unsure if he’s even allowed visitors and Louis bound to find out but he still thinks about it. 

 

By the time his shift is over he’s got an eternal brooding face stuck on and he’s glad Niall has been back in the kitchen all day trying to make the perfect icing because he could not deal with trying to be cheered up when he feels so disgusting. All he wants to do is tell Liam he still loves him, never stopped, and hug him and hold him and make up for the months that are starting to pile up between them. He wants nothing more than to go home, not Wolverhampton, not the stupid flat he’s been living in but _home_ with Liam, wherever Liam is. Even if he moved flat he just wants to be with Liam because Liam is home. 

 

Zayn’s blinking back tears by the time he’s unlocking his front door and stumbling into his flat. His Liam-less flat full of furniture that he hasnt kissed Liam on and a tv he hasn’t watched with Liam and a bed he and Liam haven’t fucked in and dear god Zayn feels like being wreckless. 

 

He throws down his backpack and strips off his shirt and throws it to the side. Zayn rolls his head around, takes a deep breath and with one decisive nod walks over to the small stereo system that was in the flat when he moved in and blasts his music. His muscles are still tense, he needs release. He needs to be destructive he needs to get this poisonous feeling out of himself. 

 

He paces back and forth, trying to calm himself but then the song changes and he sees red. He’s going to fucking kill Louis for putting this song on his phone because it’s a twist of the knife to be taken back to that moment. To the beach, to getting drunk with Liam, to falsely thinking that everything would be okay and now look at them. Liam’s in rehab and Zayn is pucnching holes through perfectly good paintings and everything is so shit. 

 

He should be happy, he should be hopeful and relieved but he’s so god damn angry at himself that Liam even got to the point he’s at. Because no matter how many times and no matter how many people tell him it’s not his fault, he’ll never believe them. 

 

With insecurity and self hatred Zayn punches and kicks and rips apart canvas after canvas, flips over his stupid coffee table that Liam hasn’t littered with water stains. His chest is heaving and his hand in pulsing with pain and he can’t see because his stupid eyes are filled to the brim with tears but he refuses to cry, refuses to let the tears spill over. 

 

He knows it’s a stupid move, so, so incredibly stupid but he balls himself up on the floor and grabs his phone because he’s not going through another panic attack alone and if his blood doesn’t stop racing in fury and if he can’t get his breathing under control then that is exactly whats going to happen.

 

So he texts Louis which he regrets doing before he’s even done so but it’s not like he has options.

 

_come here  
_

Is all he says because that’s simple and simple is what he needs right now.

 

**_On my way_ **

 

Zayn’s shoulders relax a bit and he close his eyes and counts because counting has always helped calm him down for whatever reason. 

 

Louis is in his flat in less than five minutes and Zayn sees the instinctual protectiveness rush over him as he crouches down in front of Zayn, placing a gentle hand on his forearm where it’s wrapped around his shins.

 

“Z, c’mon. Come to bed.” Louis says softly, almost exasperated. 

 

Doesn’t even ask what’s wrong he just knows.

 

Zayn chokes out a sob.

 

He cries unabashedly, loud and wet and hiccuping while Louis drags him to bed and Zayn cries more because he doesn’t want that stupid bed, he wants one with Liam in it. Zayn needs Liam, fuck all to having a ‘healthy’ relationship Zayn loves Liam, of course he needs him, of course he wants to be with him when they’re apart. 

 

Louis pulls the covers up to Zayn’s shoulders and leaves the room, saunters back in wiht two cups of tea and a pack of Jammy Dodgers because apparently that’s a cure all for a broken heart. Zayn sniffles and Louis hands him a cup of tea and throws the biscuits on the bed before climbing in.

 

Louis doesn’t speak for a bit, just rests his head on Zayn’s shoulder and let’s him cry. It’s like that first night all over again, feeling helpless except now he realizes what a terrible mistake he’s made. Zayn stutters on a breath in and leans his head back against the wall and looks up because he wants the tears to stop falling, wants this tangible evidence of his misery to just _stop._

 

Zayn steadies his breathing and Louis takes his hand, rubbing his thumb along the bird tatoo on the back of his hand soothingly. Zayn squeezes and lolls his head to the side to finally look at Louis. He’s glowing, positvely shining even in the dark of the room and Zayn is just so fucking envious because that’s what he wants. He wants to be radiant because he’s so happy in love and instead he’s sitting here crying pathetically at five in the afternoon.

 

“He talked to Harry.”  The words send chills down his spine and goos bumps flare on every inch of his body. 

 

Louis is looking straight forward like he physically can’t meet Zayn’s gaze.

 

“Messaged him on twitter or something.” Louis shrugs a shoulder and snarls his lip, “I was pissed. It’s not Harry’s shit to deal with.”

 

Zayn swallows thickly because this is it, he knew it would always come to this. He’d push Louis and his relationship problems would infect his and Louis’ friendhip one way or another. 

 

“I felt so shit.” Louis breathes out and sits up to run his hands over his face in frustration, “I shouldn’t have been pissed, I shouldn’t have yelled at Harry for trying to be a friend to someone who needed one so badly. I fucked up. I fuckep up Zayn ‘cause I’m so god damn tightly wound because I feel so guilty for everything that’s happened, I should have helped you more.” 

 

Zayn sits there wordless and proceses everything. His life was meant to be simple, not twisted and pulled apart by a drug addled boyfriend. Everyone he loves seems to have been affected by Liam’s addiction in some way and Zayn doesn’t even feel guilty for still loving him. None of this is anybody’s faultbut the addiction’s, not Liam’s. 

 

“What did he say?” Zayn is staring intently at the comforter in his lap because he doesn’t want to admit that, yeah, Louis could’ve been a bit more supportive of his relationship rather than being so hell bent on it all turning to rack and ruin. He was right in the end.

 

“Just that he was going to rehab, where he was gonna be. Then Harry admitted that he’d been talking to him for about a month, apparently he got caught up in some bullshit with these punks that wouldn’t let him quit selling drugs or whatever it is he did as their little gang’s run boy. Anyways, Harry helped him out of it then gave him a list of rehab centers to go to, they’ve become proper mates through it all. Wish I’d have known that before I treated Harry like shit.” Louis gives a pathetic, dark huff of a laugh and Zayn’s mouth has gone dry because what?

 

Selling drugs? Gang? Run boy? What? 

 

“Louis,” Zayn’s throat clicks it’s so dry with the fear and worry that’s been instilled in him.

 

Louis turns to look at Zayn and he must look how he feels because Louis backs up a bit and sits a little straighter, realization dawning over him like a prickly cloud of guilt.

  
“You didn’t know,” Louis mutters, then “ Oh shit, Zayn. I don’t even know how much of it’s true I mean you know how I exagerrate everything and I was pissed when Harry told me so I probably didn’t even hear right.”  

 

“I just. I need to be alone right now Louis” Zayn hasn’t stopped staring at the blankets, willing his thoughts to connect and make sense, willing the world to give him answers and explanations or at least clarify the ones he’s been given.

 

“Zee, don’t do anything rash, alright. He’s getting better now, all that crap’s behind him.” Louis moves closer but Zayn moves away, pulling his knees to his chest and curling in on himself.

“Say his fucking name!” Zayn snaps then closes his eyes, “Just say Liam’s name, alright? I’m not gonna go off the deep end or start crying if you say Liam’s fucking name.” Zayn says through gritted teeth and he sounnds oddly calm for how shaken up he feels inside.

 

“Okay. Liam. Liam, Liam, Liam. There, he’s not some ‘ he who shall not be named’ case. You’re scaring the shit out of me, bro. I’m not gonna leave you like this, I’m not going anywhere.” Louis sounds frantic and Zayn looks up, finally meeting his eyes again with the faintest curl to the corner of his mouth.

 

“Do you get it now? D’ya understand?” Zayn asks with a passion to his voice he didn’t know he possessed, “”Cause I garuntee you it’s not even half of what I felt.” 

 

Louis’ mouth opens and closes like the sound has been sucked out of him, “Zayn,” is all he manages and Zayn knows he gets it now, knows that Louis is finally starting to grasp the emotions that Zayn experienced when he refused to leave him, when they had argument after argument over Zayn’s level of sanity by choosing to stay with Liam.

 

Louis seems to deflate, his heightend shoulders falls and he let’s out a long, unsteady breath of air. His face softens, eyebrows settlings and mouth slightly agape.

 

“I’m so, so sorry.” It’s the most sincere Zayn’s ever heard him be in their years of friendship, brotherhood morelike.

 

“Nothing we can do about it now is there?” Zayn shrugs and presses his tongue to the roof of his mouth because he can feel his eyes getting hot with tears again.

 

Louis shakes his head slowly and Zayn can see the light in his eyes returning with a mischevious glint, “There’s always something, Zayn. 

 

“Yeah well tell me when you figure it out.” Zayn says sarcasitcally and Louis shuffles back up the bed and snuggles Zayn under the covers.

 

“Never.” Louis says like a petulant child and Zayn rolls his eyes, not sure of what answer he could have possibly expected from Louis.

 

“I’m gonna be okay, Lou. I just got frustrated ‘cause I couldn’t help Liam is all. I still love him... and I know that might be hard to understand after everything that’s happened- and considering how much I still don’t know- but I love Liam and I can’t just abandon him like I did.” Zayn feels the conversation dying and he needs to get this out there, get it off his chest and lay his cards out for anyone to see because keeping these feelings bottled up is driving him mad.

 

“I know,” Louis says softly, “You’ve always been persistent and tenacious as hell, don’t know why I thought that wouldn’t apply to this situation.” Louis smirks and nudges his forehead into Zayn’s shoulder. 

The mood is so much more breathable after that. They have a catch up and Louis goes on about how gorgeous the dresses are that Harry’s sister picked out for everyone to wear and then he voices his usual half hearted panic about the wedding being so close. 

 

“ _31 days, Zayn_. In 31 days I’ll be restricted to _one_ dick for the rest of my _life_.”

 

 _“_ A dick that’s attached to Harry.”

 

“ _Shut up.”_

 

“Fine, there’s always divorce.” 

 

“I said _shut up_ you absolute vile creature.”

 

And that’s that. They fall asleep laughing, reminicing about old college stories, one Louis conveniantly can’t remember about him and Harry getting spectacularly wasted and breaking into the dining hall and stealing food from the kitchen then fucking like klepto-nymphomaniacs on the couch in Zayn and Louis’ dorm. Fun times, that. Walking in on two of his mates going at it while holding a head of lettuce and a green bell pepper.

 

Harry joins them shortly after so then of course Zayn demands that Niall come over so he can sop third wheeling so hard. They’re all piled ontop of one another in Zayn’s mediocre bed, not sure whose limbs are whose. It’s a brilliant distraction from all the shit that he’s put himself thorugh today. Nobody asks why the living room is in a state and no one questions why there’s a pile of sorry looking canvases by the trash. They just accept it, accept Zayn and his choices and he feels secure for once. 

  
Secure enough to fall asleep under a mass of bodies with Fresh Prince playing in the background. It turns into an improtu sleepover, Harry and Louis curled up together, soft snores coming from Niall who is half on top of Zayn, half on top of Louis and its comforting and warm. Zayn actually manages to sleep soundly with a soft smile on his face for the first time in what feels like years. He hopes Liam is able to do the same.

 

 X

 

There’s two more weeks of radio silence in regards to news on Liam and when he’s mentioned again it’s not even news its just Louis being the pussy footing bastard he is.

 

“So ugh, you don’t mind if Liam still goes to the wedding do you? Harry wants to send him another invitation but he said to make sure it was okay with you first.”

 

Thery’re at some pub Zayn didn’t bother catching the name of, his mind has been useless these past few months. Stuck in a cloud of numbness whenever he’s trying to silence his thoughts and caught in a storm of emotions a few odd nights when he decides to let them all loose. He snaps out of his daze and looks over his fruity drink to Louis, pretending to like beer be damned. 

 

He considers the questions and shrugs to fill the silence. There’s no protocal for this, no book written specifically written on the boundaries and mending of his and Liam’s seperation. 

 

“Yeah. Send it.” Is what he decides on, if Harry wants that for his wedding then so be it. 

 

Zayn supposes it can be an excuse to see Liam. Not that he needs one beyond Liam getting out of rehab and wanting to see his- _a_ beautiful healthy boy. He might regret it later on but at least he won’t be left wondering what if. It gives him something to look forward to if nothing else the the possibilities that could happen when they meet again are enough to power him through his dull life. 

 

“Wanna come with me to my tux fitting tomorrow? I only trust you to tell me if the trousers don’t compliment my arse.” Louis smiles half heartedly, he’s been so careful and awkard almosr since they had their last heart to heart.

 

It’s like Louis’ finally seen how fragile Zayn actually is and he’s doing everything in his power to protect him and apparently that includes acting the same exact way as he always has around Zayn exceot witha timid and cautious and lilt to everything he says and does.

 

“Louis Tomlinson, I would be delighted-” Zayn stops midsentence because Louis’ eyes have widened to saucers and his straw has fallen from his mouth in shock.

 

Zayn looks over his shoulder, a little scared and a lot confused as to what the hell Louis could possibly looking like he’s seen a ghost for.

 

“Ohmygod,”Louis rushes out in a breath and his eyes give a wild glint, “We haven’t even talked about last names. What if he doesn’t want to take my name? Oh god, what if he wants _hyphenated_ names? Zayn my children will not have hyphenated names people will think their parents split or they were born out of wedlock. I can’t be Louis Styles for christ sake I can’t carry that name like Harry can, I’ll make a fool of myself _Louis Styles_ isn’t that a porn star? Oh my god.”

 

Zayn stares with a hint of an amused smile because he finds satisfaction out of watching his best mate freaking out over something so obvious.

 

“First of all, how the hell have you two managed to plan to have hand embroidered personalised napkins made for every guest including Harry’s mum’s cat but you skipped over this. And second off, it’s a given Harry wants to be a Tomlinson and if you don’t believe me then look at the doodles on the front of his damn journal it’s covered in _Harry Tomlinson_ this and _Harry Edward Tomlinson_ that. I think you’ll be fine, bro.” Zayn leans forward and places a reassuring hand on Louis’ shoulder. “And there’s nothing wrong with hyphenated names ya prick.” Zayn adds as an after thought.

 

“Yeah, yeah. Harry Tomlinson. Sounds fucking fatastic what was I thinking.” Louis is coming down from his stress panic and shakes his head fondly. 

 

“I’m gonna head back to my flat, yeah? Got some paintings to package and prep for selling. I’ll come by yours before the tux fitting tomorrow, I wanna see what Harry’s done in the nursery.” Zayn stands and smooths out his shirt, fidgetting because Louis’ eyes are so intense they look like they’re about to catch fire. Zayn really needs to stop mentioning Harry and anything to do with babies because it makes Louis go all instinctively mushy and loving.

 

“ I’m gonna have a baby.” Louis says distantly and Zayn raises his eyebrows, amused by Louis’ intervals of panic over his near future. 

 

“Well, scientifically speaking I don’t think-”

 

Zayn’s cut off by a chip hitting him in the face and Louis’ sulking eyes going mischevious again and all and all he counts it as a win.

 

When he gets back to his complex the sun has nearly set so he skips actually going into his flat and heads up to the flat top roof. It’s beautiful like this, the the last days of a harsh, biting winter making an exit, the icy wind licking his cheeks and numbing his nose. Zayn’s always preferred winter to summer, the gray scale sunsets over orange and pink summery ones. It’s just, usually Liam is around to keep him warm. 

 

Zayn sits on the rusty fire escape and dangles his legs in between the bars of the railing. The view of London is a lot more open from here than his and Liam’s place. From here he can see the heart of the city at a distance rather than being so close to the center with no prespective at all aside from the brick of a too close complex next to it. Zayn loves the city, loves the vantage point he can get and the skylines he can paint but he wouldn’t mind a break from it all.

 

Maybe move a little further out of the city into an actual house, somewhere he could paint landscapes and breathe fresh air and maybe, if things work out -whether it be with Liam or not- raise a few kids. He smiles at the thought, digging his hands deeper into the pockets of his coat as the last dregs of winter try to fight the approaching spring. He wonders what it will be like, if things don’t fall back into place, to not have Liam flitting through the house, cleaning the dust out of forbidden corners and bleaching the germs off of every bleachable thing surface in sight. 

 

Liam really would make a great dad, he’s patient and caring and just the right amount of a hypochindriac to keep everyone healthy. Zayn shakes the thought from his head before he starts visualising things and getting too hopeful. He can’t keep doing that to himself because what if Liam gets out of rehab and reakizes he doesn’t need Zayn or want him at all? What if Liam changes completely and Zayn doesn’t need or want Liam at all? The thoughts buzz through his head, intermingling with the sounds of distant sirens and angry drivers.

 

Zayn stays like that for so long, completely misses the sinking below the horizon and the moon making its way to replace it. It’s not until the moon is high in the sky that he finally registers his shaking bones and numb hands, figures its time to go in and warm up but he wants to look at the few stars he can actually see and his heating sucks anyways. 

 

Four weeks, he thinks. Four weeks, 30 more days, seven hundred and twenty hours and all of his worries will be either confirmed or laid to rest. Not that he’s couunting or anything, it’s just simple math. Like how by then it will be exactly one hundred days since he’s been around Liam for more than two seconds. Since he’s touched him, since he’s told him he loves him. One hundred days and it’s felt like a lifetime. 

 

 X

 

After three days Liam had been reduced to a twitching, nauscious mess of an insomniac. And apparently he has it good, or so his doctor says. He keeps on getting told that he’s only suffering from mild withdraw from getting treatment so early on, before his alcoholism developed any further. He can’t imagine what people who drink non stop for years then get treatment must go through. 

 

He’s been alcohol free for two weeks and his body is finally starting to function normally again, apparently he’s crossed the biggest hurdle and it’s all about learning to stay away from temptation now. His therapist says he’s doing great and Liam is proud of himself, honestly. He doesn’t feel so insecure, doesn’t cry because he can’t tell Zayn how good he’s doing and finds himself growing more and more independant.

 

Perspective, his therapist says, it’s all about perspective. And Liam understands. He’s now able to take a step back from his thoughts and not be so consumed with need and want and desire. He’s able to balance his emotions and he’s not better, not even close yet but he’s geting there. He keeps a journal, because his therapist and support group members all insisted that it really helped and it has been. He’s written to Zayn almost everyday, not letters and not soliloquies but just random thoughts. Things he’s seen or jokes he’s heard that he wants to share with him. 

 

He’s not delusional, he knows and his therapist keeps reminding him that although he may be able to love Zayn properly now, that still doesn’t mean Zayn will want to be loved by Liam anymore. It’s just, he really can love Zayn properly now and if Zayn wantsm then Liam would love to treat him like he deserves, would be delighted to make up for all the shit he’s put him through because you just don’t forget the love of your life looking so defeated and hopeless, you just don’t forget watching the back of the man you think you’re going to marry as he walks out the door of your flat with no intentions of returning.

Liam knows things are different now, a little damged and cracked and even if they can never go back to being the naive teenagers they were, he’d like to try being a responsible adult with Zayn. Now that he’s gone to therapy and rehab he can live straight edge, move out to the country like Zayn said they could, and forget about the people he’d be leaving behind. Forget about the threats if he failed to try this drug or that, forget the way the people he encountered instilled a deep rooted fear in him with just one cold stare, forget about how he helped big time drug dealers and got drunk with them afterwards.

 

He’s going to explain everything to Zayn one day, whether they end up together or not because Zayn still deserves to know what the hell happened, how and why things started going down hill. Liam’s going to explain every detail about how he even got caught up with those people because he knows Zayn thinks it’s his old mates that got him into trouble and he never even bothered correcting him because excusing them to say it was all just some guy he met at the wrong place at the wrong time doesn’t sound any better and probably would’ve just frustrated Zayn even more. 

There’s a soft knock at his door and Liam frowns because he has thirty minutes before his next therapy session, usually the nurse only gives him a ten minute notice. Liam rises from his bed and sets the book he’s been reading face down on the table beside him. He answers the door and is met by a different nurse than usual.

 

“You’ve got mail, Liam.” The nurse greets him with a smile and it’s still a little weird to grasp, that all these peopl are here to treat him and know what’s wrong with and know the names of every patient.

 

“I thought I wasn’t allowed any.” Liam says dumbly, reaching for the pretty looking envelope anyways.

 

“I was told it’s only an invitation.” The nurse reassures him and smiles warmly one last time before flitting away to move on to the next patient to assist.

 

Liam leaves his door open and sits at the foot of his bed, ripping open the envelope and smiling wide because Harry is such a great friend. The invitation to the wedding looks regal and classy and smells like diasies and when Liam opens it for the details, a tiny piece of paper falls into his lap. 

 

‘ _Keep moving forward xx- H_.’ Liam smiles fondly at the tiny scrawl and uses the note as a bookmark.

 

The wedding is the day after his time at rehab ends and Liam thanks the gods for such luck in timing. Then it dawns on him. Zayn will be there. Like there are no if ands or buts about it, Zayn will be there no matter what, Louis would have his wedding in Zayn’s bedroom if Zayn refused to get up. 

 

Two more weeks, just two more weeks and he can get out of here and right all of his worngs and meet Zayn again as the healthy version of himself. He hopes Zayn will be proud, Liam has taken to exercise as an outlet and he’s built up all of his lost muscle and then some. He’s treating his body right, eating regularly and healthy because he wants to be on this earth for as long as he can and he’s already screwed that up with a years worth of destroying his liver. But he’s fixing it. Just like he’s going to fix his relationship.

 

X

 

“Please tell me my ass looks cute enough to eat.” Louis says while looking over his shoulder and Zayn rolls his eyes from his seat in the fitting area.

 

Louis has had the tailor alter his slacks precisely sixteen times, all of which consisted of making them tighter on his thighs and ass and Zayn can’t wait to see them rip the minute he walks down the aisle.

 

“Louis, you’re my best mate and I love but we are _not_ having this conversation.” Because Zayn loves Louis but he’s not about to talk about eating ass with him, he has boundaries.

 

“Ah c’mon Zaynie yes or no does my arse look great? I want to make Harry happy.” Louis pouts and cranes his neck further to get a better look.

 

“Yes Lou, your ass looks great, if your trousers were any tighter it would probably loose circulation.” Zayn sighs in exasperation and Louis lights up.

 

“See, now that’s what I wanted to hear! Now come on then, I told Harry we’re meeting him at this hippy cafè in ten minute and I’m not suffering through eating rabbit food alone.” Zayn doesn’t even bother fighting it, just smiles in fond amusement and doesn’t even blink when Louis strips off his beloved ass squeezing trousers and carelessly throws them in his face.

 

Lunch with Harry goes as usual. Zayn goes forgotten after twenty minutes and is left to watch the lovebirds and it’s not even like they’r being dusgustingly affectionate, they’re just so finely tuned to one another that they forget other people exist. Some where along the way Zayn must do something spectacular because he catches Harry’s attention and pulls the boy out of his Louis vortex.

 

“So Zayn,” Zayn looks up from poking at his vegan gluten free whatever and meets Harry’s eyes. “How’s the art thing going? Should I expect to see you in the next issue of Aesthetica or have you gone on hiatus?”

 

Zayn smiles wryly and shakes his head, “A person can only paint so many paintings about the same subject before it gets old.” 

 

“Yeah but you’ll see Liam in two weeks and renew your inspiration.” Harry says as if to encourage Zayn and all Louis hears is the slice of gluten free vegan cheese pizza Louis was about to stuff his mouth with drop to his plate. 

 

“I shouldn’t have said that should I?” Harry turns to Louis who looks a frigthening mixture of overly angry and calm and collected.

 

“It was only a lot insensitive, darling.” Louis says sweetly with a bite and Harry looks so guiltily pained. 

 

“I’m sorry. It’s just. I dropped his invitation off today and it was on my mind and-” 

 

“Babe, shh. Your word vomitting is not helping.” Louis instructs and Zayn sits there dumbly.

 

“Sorry.” Harry apologisess again to the world and all of it’s inhabitants.

 

“S’alright, bro.” Zayn shrugs, “It’s the truth isn’t it.” 

 

“Yeah but I shouldn’t have-”

 

“It’s _fine_ , Harry. I’m fine, you didn’t hurt anyone’s feelings but your own. I’m a big boy I can handle it.” Harry still looks wary so Zayn levels Louis a look and he immeadiately whispers something in Harry’s ear that seems to finally get the message across.

 

“Anyways, whats the deal with bachelor parties? Am I supposed to hire any strippers or is that Stan’s job?” And maybe Zayn is a little bitter that Louis chose his childhood friend to be his best man and not him.

 

“No strippers. Nothing really, it’s not like we need to celebrate not being together for a night.Harry’s just being forced out for a pint with Nick and I was gonna see if you and Niall were up to going down to Tabby’s like old times.” Harry swoons and Zayn applauds Louis for not being hotsile about Harry going out with a friend who vaguely has the hots for him.

 

“Is Tabby’s even open still? That place used to be empty every night we went and we went every night.” Zayn let’s the memories consume him, the pub was the one place they let themselves be laddy lads in their no boyfriend or girlfriend zone. 

 

Zayn remembers laughing into Louis’ neck while Niall accepted all of their dares and downed shot after shot. He remembers what pests they must have been, being practically the only ones in the pub and ordering chips and pints and shots of vodka for Niall up until closing. It was the one place they could wind down and relax and Zayn has so many fond memories of bonding with his mates there.

 

“Guess we’ll find out. Niall said he’s closing the cafe this weekend so we can go then.” Harry scoots his chair closer to Louis and tries to hide his pout in his organic lemonade.

 

“Aw don’t be sad, baby Harold. You’ll be out with that DJ and then we’ll both come home and cuddle and stuff.” Louis pets Harry’s head and Zayn may puke.

 

“And stuff.” Harry repeats with a dirty smirk and rubs his head on Louis’ shoulder and Zayn may actually be puking right now.

 

“Well then. You two have fun. I’ll see you this weekend.” Zayn leaves uncerimniously and hears Louis cackling and Harry letting out a prolonged ‘ _Heyyyyy_ ’ and he doesn’t even turn around to see what could possibly be going on.

 

Zayn lights up a cigarette and only feels a little guilty about it. He only started up again in the last week. Nerves from the thoughts of what Liam could be going through over whelming him. 

 

When he gets back to his flat he shrugs off his denim jacket and lights another cigarette because talking about bachelor parties didn’t exactly bring up the best of memories.  Zayn grabs his sketch pad and kohl pencils and heads up to the roof. It’s warmer today, the last cold day of winter left behind, the season only left to get warmer and Zayn finds solice in the fact because his bones are starting to ache from the cold.

 

Zayn sketches little doodles, tattoo designs and writes down random words that come to mind. It’s therapuetic, to pour his thoughts out onto paper, to have a physical embodiment of them that he can get rid of. Even if he does feel guilty about crumpling the piece of paper and throwing it off the fire escape. 

 

\---

 

“So who like... Who’s gonna get walked down the aisle?” Niall slurs then burps and collapses onto Zayn’s shoulder.

 

“Guess you’ll have to come and find out.” Louis winks because he always winks when he’s just on the right side of tipsy. 

 

Zayn smiles dopily while watching his mates. Thinks distantly that in one week Louis will be married and Zayn hardly thinks himself an adult but yet here he is, growing up and watching his mates getting married and building a nursery. Zayn likes Niall. Niall who still lives with flat mates and broke it off with his on and off girlfriend ( _forreal this time_ ) and sits around eating pizza and playing FIFA. Niall who doesn’t make Zayn think about life and responsibility and other gross things. 

 

“Alright, mates. It’s been a pleasure here at the landmark that is Tabby’s but Harry just texted me he’s home already and I’m getting too drunk so one of you fuckers better make a speech so I can go and deflower my bride to be.” Louis announces after a giggle session over nothing and Niall makes a comment about how Louis should learn the definition of deflowering which earns him a slap upside the head so Zayn raises his pint and clears his throat before they get into an actual drunken fist fight.

 

“We’ve been so incredibly lucky to have you in our lives, Louis Tomlinson. And I could piss around and quote Drake or some shit that you’d hate me for but I really think we both owe you a massive thank you for being the best fucking friend on the planet and we’re both happy as hell that you managed to marry someone as amazing and deserving of you as Harry. So here’s to two lovely people being lovely together for the rest of their lives and then some.” Zayn honestly doesn’t think his speech is that heart felt but then suddenly Louis is pulling Zayn out of the booth and crying into his shoulder, like propper sobbing and Niall is staring a bit horrified and all Zayn can do is hold Louis. 

 

“Bro, you know we love you.” Zayn tries and Louis squeezes him so tight he can barely breathe. 

 

“I’m sorry, I love you too.” Louis sniffs and Zayn can tell where this is headed so tells Niall to go call a cab and sits Louis down in the booth.

 

“Don’t be sorry, Lou. It’s not you fault.” Zayns says solemnly and Louis looks up to meet his eyes. 

 

“But you deserve to be happy too. You didn’t deserve that. Life’s fucking cruel, handing you an alcoholic boyfriend and dad. I didn’t do a god damn thing to deserve Harry or an easy life, you did.” Louis wheezes and cries and Zayn expected this because emotionally honest Louis always comes out after a few drinks.

 

“Louis, I’m going to tell you this one time and one time only so you better not forget it tomorrow morning.” Louis nods and wipes his tears away, “I am happy, alright? Liam or not I’m still capable of being happy, it’s an emotion that comes and goes and whether Liam’s there or not I can still be happy. And yeah life deals shit cards sometimes but you just gotta fuckin deal with it. My mum did what she could to help my dad and it worked. I did what I could to help Liam and it wasn’t enough but that’s just life, bro. Shit happens, you have a tattoo that says ‘it is what it is’ you should know the truth in the words. Now Li’s getting help and things are sorting themselves out and no it’s not been easy but it’s been and that’s enough. Don’t feel guilty for what you have with Harry, it’s fuckin’ beautiful and you should never _ever_ feel like you don’t deserve it, Lou. You deserve the world.” 

 

“That was better than your first speech.” Louis laughs through his tears and Zayn breaths in relief. 

 

“Now are you done bieng a depressing shit?” Zayn says in exasperation but ruffles Louis’ hair and pulls him in for a hug.

 

“I don’t know. I’m still kinda wasted.” Louis gives a self depreciating laugh and Zayn smiles softly at him before standing and holding out a hand for Louis who accepts it with too much class for someone who has snot and tears on  the sleeves of his sweater.

 

Niall’s managed to find the nicest taxi driver in all of London and they end up all getting free fares home when they reveal that Louis is out on his stag night. Zayn is fully prepared to make Niall be the one to suck off the eerily nice cab driver when he asks for a favor in return but instead the driver just sends his best wishes and drives away from Niall’s flat complex without looking back. 

 

“C’mon, mate. After party in my room, I’ve got a full bottle of coconut rum and that’s shit’s the craic.” Niall announces and pats Zayn on the back with a hefty thud that sends him stumbling a few steps forward.

 

“Can’t we just go to sleep while our livers are still functioning?” Zayn whines while trudging up the stairs.

 

“Okay! I’ll get the biscuits!” Niall says happily and Zayn scrunches his face up in confusion while Niall unlocks the door.

 

“Can’t sleep unless I’ve either passed out or had at least a choclate digestive.” Niall explains and that seems like information Zayn should know by now.

 

Niall rummages through the cupboard loudly and his roommates must still be out because all the lights are off and no one is sleepily complaining about the ruckus Niall is making. Or maybe they’re just used to it.

 

“Take your trousers off, Malik. We’re going to bed.” Niall says confidentally and leads the way to his bedroom, biscuits and milk in tow. 

 

Niall’s bed is massive and lumpy and perfect to a tipsy Zayn. They strip down to their briefs and climb in under the covers, the soft glow of the tv refllecting from the white cover-less duvet. Zayn allows Niall ten minutes of biscuit muching time before he disrupts his peace with curiosity.

 

“Ni,” Zayn speaks up and Niall reluctantly draws his gaze away from the football match  repeat playing on the tv, “Do you ever like, get lonely? Like, don’t you want a girlfriend and your own flat?” 

 

Niall shrugs, frown on his face as he considers Zayn’s word, “Nah, I’ve got great mates, a successful cafè, and roommates who don’t care when I forget to flush. A girlfriend isn’t something you want. You just stumble upon a person you get on with and if you find each other acttractive then that’s that.” 

 

Niall states wisely and Zayn mulls the words over a bit and when he’s certain that they’re full of sincerity he faces the wall, tells Niall goodnight, and sleeps like a baby.

\---

 

Zayn decides two days before the wedding that he should probably get his tux out and make sure it fits properly considering the last time he wore it was two years ago to his older sister’s wedding. He rummages through the storage boxes full of his heavier winter coats and sweaters and finally finds the tux laying flat at the botttom in its garment bag and unearths it. The material pulls a bit tight across his shoulders but it still looks okay and he finally allows himself to breath because Louis would absolutely have his head in if he showed up looking anything other than dressed perfectly. He pulls the trousers up and sighs with relief when they button around his hips without trouble, not too snug and not sagging. It isn’t until he looks in the mirror that he starts panicking, laughing hysterically because on the right inseam and thigh there’s a decent sized cum stain. 

 

He can’t believe he actually thought he’d never use the tux again so much so that he put the thing in storage before bothering to erase the evidence of a brilliant night. Zayn had been stressed and a little pissed off the entire day making sure that everything went perfectly for his sister and doing last minute checks to make sure her husband-to-be-in-less-than-an-hour was worth her hand in marriage. 

 

Liam had taken it upon himself to keep his hand high on Zayn’s thigh, rubbing up and down slowly, trying to get him to relax which was a stupid idea really. All it did was make Zayn high strung from being so horny by the end of the reception which resulted in a fumbling mess of making out and rutting against eachother on the ride home, high on the love and champaigne of the night. It was only inevitable that Zayn came in his pants, wasn’t like he could whip it out with the cab driver right there and no partition to roll up.

 

It’s like the old lady at the dry cleaners knows the entire story behind the suspicious looking stain because she turns a nose up at Zayn and tells him to be back by the end of the day. He kills time walking around town, stops by the cafè for a danish and some coffee because apparently he can’t stay away from the place and ever since his paintings have been selling he’s only been working their part time. 

 

Niall must be busy in the back becasue Zayn doesn’t see him the entire forty five minutes he’s there. He’s kind of glad though, to just sit back and listen to his music without human interaction. He keeps his earbuds in while he walks through the market and Boots, picking up last minute necessities for his trip tomorrow. 

 

Louis wants Zayn at the mansion, the actual historic mansion that the wedding is taking place at somewhere in the country side near Harry’s home town. They’ve rented the entire thing out for their closest family and friends and Louis insists its the perfect balance of extravigent and homey. Zayn can only dream of the perfection that Harry and Louis have come up with and he’s honestly excited. For the venue and seeing Liam post rehab and most importantly, seeing his best mate get married to the love of his life.

 

So Zayn buys all the essentials for a long car ride, snacks and the new Naughty Boy album he’s been dying to hear. He’s happy, he really is, it’s just life is so mundane without having Liam there to share it with. He wants to go to his flat and pop the album into his sound system and have Liam walk in halfway through while Zayn’s sketching and he wants him ask what’s playing and then cuddle him until it’s finished playing. God, he misses Liam so much. It’s not even the comfort of having another person there that he misses, he legitamtely misses all of Liam’s manuerisms and habits and couldn’t imagine anyone or thing else replacing that.

 

Zayn picks up his tux and is thankful that it looks alright because he’s way too stressed to go last minute shopping. He hangs it up in his bathroom to avoid wrinkling it and heads to be early, he’s got a long day ahead of him. He has to pick up Harry in the morning and drive him to the estate that the wedding is taking place since Louis is meeting up with his family and driving seperately and he knows Harry will be playing depressing music and moping around the whole time since his poor heart will be seperated from Louis. 

 

He gets a shit night of sleep, thoughts of Liam and nerves about his future running through his mind and he downs several cups of black coffee before packing up his car with all his shit for the weekend and heading to Louis and Harry’s. 

 

They take forever to part ways and finally Zayn gives up and tells Harry to meet him in his car whenever they’re ready and he ends up sitting in the car park for twenty minutes before Harry is tapping on his window and throwing his bags in the back seat. After that everything goes alright, they take turns driving and only stop a few times for bathroom breaks. Harry is surprisingly chipper, keeping up conversation with Zayn and telling him how great his cd collection is and Zayn listens in amusement as Harry’s nerves speak for him. 

 

They’ve been on the same winding dirt road for fifteen minutes and Zayn stops biting his thumb nail to question Harry.

 

“Are you sure we aren’t lost, bro?” Zayn asks and Harry smirks and taps his fingers on the steering wheel which isn’t exactly comforting.

 

“Just wait for it.” He says knowingly and just then the road staightens out again and Zayn can see what looks like a massive mansion sitting at the end of the road.

 

“Harry Styles you would have your wedding in a god damn palace.” Zayn says with a surprising amount of fond in his voice and leans forward to get a better look. 

 

“Actually, it’s a historic manor that you will be staying in and the ceremony will take place in the garden in the back.” Harry retorts and his cheeks dimple he’s smiling so proudly. 

 

“Well it’s fuckin’ beautiful.” Zayn breathes and takes in the scenary of never ending land coming back to life after a long winter and the sculpted shrubbery and grand staircase that leads to the entrance. 

 

They’re the first ones to arrive and Harry gathers his bags quickly and runs inside to take it all in. Zayn follows, laughing at Harry’s giddiness then understandin when he steps inside. The place is just as massive as it looked on the outside, it’s got high ceilings and the foyer is made of marble, two curved stair cases leading to the second of three floors. Zayn’s bags drop along with his jaw and he lets Harry run off to sort out whatever he needs to do for the wedding and makes his rounds of the ground level complete with an ornate dining room and a victorian style sitting room with new age technology all around.

 

Zayn decides to walk through the halls of the mansion and get his own tour of the place before everyone starts showing up. The estate is beautiful, theres a lovely view of green rolling hills no matter where you look and everything inside really is the perfect balance of ornate and comforting. Each room has a massive bed, vintage looking wooden furniture, and long silky drapes covering the bid windows. It’s somehow a mix of modern and classical, regal paintings hanging the walls and a flat screen right in the middles of them. 

 

He’s on his way back down from claiming his room on the third floor, the one with marble everything and a small balcony, when he hears an odd noise coming from somewhere on the second floor. Zayn’s seen one too many scary movies in his days and of course his mind goes to ghosts, they’re in a historic mansion where tons of creepy shit probably went down. It sounds like a wheezing, choked sobbing sort of noise and Zayn convinces himself that ghosts can’t wheeze as he goes to track down the noise.

 

He turns right from the staircase and slowly steps down the haul until he’s two doors down and in front of the room that the noise is most definitely coming from. He knocks on the door lightly before pushing it open and his heart picks up a bit when he sees him. 

Harry doubled over and reaching blindly for his bag that’s set down on the small table top. Zayn rushes over to him and places a comforting hand on Harry’s back.

 

“Mate, Harry, what’s wrong, what do you need?” Zayn asks trying to keep the worry out of his voice but he’s terrified and Louis’ not here and what the hell is he supposed to do?

Harry motions towards his chest and tries to voice something but is cut off by a cough and then Zayn is met by a slight moment of relief because he understands. Harry needs his inhaler, Harry’s not going to die, Louis’ not going to kill Zayn for Harry dying on his watch. Zayn rummages through the bag frantically until he spots the sacred object and shakes it before holding it up to Harry’s mouth because he thinks he’s seen him do that before.

 

The first puff is a shaky failed attempt, Harry’s too worked up to take a good breath in but by the second pump of the inhaler he’s gained enough composer to take the thing himself and move to sit on the corner of the pristinely made bed. He’s got his his hands on his head and eyes closed trying to focus on his breathing and Zayn sits beside, gently placing a hand on his back and rubbing it in soothing circles.

“Sorry.” Is Harry’s first word when he can finally speak and Zayn huffs a laugh because Harry would apologize for having an asthma fit.

 

“What happened, babes?” Zayn asks softly and keeps his hand moving because he can still see Harry’s hands shaking.

“Just got worked up running around making sure everything was going smoothly I guess, usually Lou’s there to stop me but... I guess sprinting up the stairs to answer my phone when I heard his ringtone did me in.” They laugh at the ridiculousness of it all and Harry lets out one last cough.

 

“Well then, I’ll leave you to call him back. If you need help with anything I’ll be in the siting room sipping champagne and pretending this is my life. Try to get some rest.” Harry gives a small laugh and lays back on his bed, reaching for his phone in his pocket as Zayn carefully shuts the door. 

 

Louis arrives a few hours later, all siblings in tow and Harry has a field day cooing over them all. Louis doesn’t let him run around with the older twins and reprimands Fizzy when she suggests they all go out and enjoy the spring sun with a game of football. He’s not let his eyes off Harry since he’s gotten here and made big show of checking his  vitals and bringing him tea.

 

They’re all lounging in the sitting area, Louis’ sisters taking pictures and giggling and Harry engulfed in some fascinating conversation about knitting with Louis’ mum. Louis won’t take his eyes off of him and Zayn clears his throat several obvious times before Louis snaps out of it and turns to him. 

  
“He’s perfectly fine, mate. Just got himself worked up.” Zayn says boredly and Louis softens.

 

“Thanks for taking care of him by the way.” Louis taps his thumb against his mug and smiles a bit wobbly at Zayn.

 

“Don’t worry about it, yeah.” Then the door bell chimes loudly and prestigiously and the girls rush to the door knowing that Gemma always spoils them with prezzies.

 

Harry’s mother and father and step father and sister join the group effortlessly after dumping their bags in their rooms. The sun is setting and the warm glow of the fire Harry’s started illuminates the room. Everyone is laughing and sharing memories and Zayn can’t help but notice the way Louis stops smiling the instant he thinks no one is watching. Even when Stan and his girlfriend and Niall arrive he’s still acting strange so Zayn asks him to come help with making drinks for everyone and Louis joins him with no protest at all. 

 

Zayn hugs Louis the moment the swinging doors to the kitchen close and Louis sinks into it, breathes out a rush of air and clings to him.

 

“What’s up, Lou. You’re about to get married to the love of your life and you’re being all mopey.” Louis still hasn’t pulled back from the hug, won’t meet Zayn’s eyes and chooses to talk into his shoulder.

 

“I’m about to get married to the love of my life and I’m being all mopey ‘cause-” Louis stops like he’s afraid to continue, “ ‘-‘cause my dad didn’t even bother to say congrats after he said he was too busy to come.”

 

Zayn gets fierce then, hugs Louis tighter and curses that god forsaken excuse of a man in his head because even when he’s not in Louis’ life he still manages to make him feel like shit and Louis doesn’t deserve that, especially on what should be the happiest day of his life. 

 

“Well that’s his loss,” Zayn hisses and he doesn’t even bother remaining neutral like he usually does when Louis tells him about what a dick his dad is being, “Honestly mate he doesn’t even deserve to see you ever again let alone on your wedding day. I know he’s your dad and he gave you life but that’s all he’s ever given you. You know how fucked up that is? You’re mum’s ex husband came because he loves and knows this day means a lot to you but your own father couldn’t make time for you and you’ve every right to cut him out of your life, Lou.”

 

“Yeah, but he’s my-”

“I don’t care Lou. I don’t care that the world has taught you to love family no matter what because he’s a shit person and even if he did pay child support he was still an arse and I know that’s hard, he’s your father but out there in that den you’ve got two men that stepped up when he never did and treated your mum nicer than he ever did. Don’t let some dick head that doesn’t notice a good thing when he has it get to you like that.” Zayn pets the back of Louis’ head and steps back a bit to see his face which is surprisingly tear free. 

 

“You’re right.” Louis says, testing out the idea, “ I know he’s shit but I just thought he’d-” Louis huffs a laugh and cuts himself off, takes a bottle of red wine off the counter and take an encouraging gulp, “No I didn’t. He can’t even send a birthday card. I never expected him to come to my wedding. But ya know what? Fuck him. I’ve got a hot husband and a baby on the way and my own place and I did it all without him so he can just fuck right off.” The corner of Zayn’s mouth twitches in pride and then he catches what Louis actually just said.

 

“A baby on the way?” He raises an eyebrow and Louis fish mouths and looks horrified.

 

“Shit,” He curses and sets the bottle of wine down, “Harry didn’t want anyone to know until we were back from Fiji and the surrogate was in her second trimester, please don’t tell anyone. I’ll tell him I accidentally told you but please-” Louis pleads and Zayn cuts him off with a bone crushing hug, a happier one than they shared moments ago.

 

“Chill, bro. I’m not gonna tell anyone you little shit. I’m just surprised you’ve managed to keep a secret this long.” Zayn teases and Louis swats at him.

 

“Yeah well it all happened quite fast, we found a compatible surrogate sooner than expected and she’s lovely Zayn, you have to meet her. But yeah, in about six months you’ll be an uncle.” The corner of Louis’ eyes are crinkling with how massive his smiles is and Zayn imagines he doesn’t look much different. 

 

“You’re gonna be a great dad, Lou.” Zayn says softly and Louis nods bashfully, like he’s reiterating the words in his head and starting to believe them.

 

“Thanks, mate. You’re fucking fantastic you know that?” Zayn blushes and pushes Louis aside for the wine and a grabs a few glasses and starts pouring drinks when Harry comes bursting through the doors.

 

“I won Scrabble.” He announces proudly and wiggles his eyebrows at Louis, waiting for the praise and affection.

 

“My boy’s a genius!” Louis shrieks and Zayn hears the distant sound of laughter from the sitting room. 

 

Zayn laughs along with them and shoves glasses in Louis and Harry’s hand for them to carry out before they start going at it in the kitchen like he can tell they’re about to.

 

The rest of the night is all softness and genuine smiles. Louis is curled up in Harry’s lap and by the time everyone heads off to bed he’s fallen fast asleep clutching his glass of wine and drooling on Harry’s shirt. Zayn stands and is about to bid Harry a goodnight when the boy speaks up first. 

 

“Liam said he’s getting here tomorrow in time for the ceremony, just had to sort some things out at home but he’s staying here tomorrow night. Just thought, you know, I should tell you or-”

 

“Thanks, Harry” Zayn cuts the rambling boy off and smiles at him so Harry knows he’s not angry with him, “Good night, you’ve only got one more sleep of being Harry Styles, you better make it a good one.” 

 

Harry smiles and his eyes dance with the idea, the reminder that tomorrow he will forever be Harry Tomlinson. Zayn leaves him to his thoughts and treks up two flights of stairs before falling onto his plush bed and groans at how comfortable it is. He strips down to his briefs and pulls the incredibly high high thread count sheet up to his chin with the fluffy duvet. He doesn’t let his mind wander, doesn’t think about tomorrow and the uncertainty it holds for him and Liam. He just thinks about Harry and Louis and happiness and all the good things in the world.

 

When he wakes and emerges down stairs there’s already a busy buzz of caterers and and workers setting up the chairs and decorations up outside. Harry’s mum is making breakfast for everyone as they begin to flood from their rooms looking a little sleepy and a lot excited. Harry and Louis are nowhere to be seen, probably having a lay in and talking each other down from the nerves of such a big day. Louis’ mum is ordering the workers around politely and Niall is the only adult sat at a giant mahogany table full of Louis’ little sisters.

 

He keeps flinging bits of scrambled egg into Daisy’s hair who giggles and blushes which makes Niall cackle in amusement as he humors her little crush. Phoebe is far less amused, clearly not a morning person as she pouts and grumpily shoves a wisp of hair from her face and stabs her cut fruit aggressively, she really is a miniature Louis. Zayn joins the table and helps Fizzy and Lottie with the babies, wipes their chubby cheeks and spoons mushed whatever into their mouths. Lottie thanks him and takes what looks like the first bit of her breakfast and not too long after Fizzy finally sheepishly hand Zayn the second pot of food and does the same. 

 

Anne flits in, placing a plate full of food in front of him and patting his shoulder before disappearing back into the kitchen. Zayn tucks into it gratefully, being sure to stop every few bites and entertain the babies so they don’t get fussy. Louis and Harry finally unearth from their room and Niall whoops a cheer and all the girls pretend to gag except Daisy who has her chin propped in her hand as she stares dreamily at Niall. Zayn cheers along and smiles at the scene around him. 

 

After breakfast Louis goes into bridezilla mode and Harry is following him on his heels, apologizing to everyone Louis encounters. He’s not being a complete diva, just on the sassy side of controlling as he makes sure everything is being set up perfectly. Zayn's job is hair pin holder once Harry’s friend Lou arrives and starts doing all of the girls’ hair in intricate braids. Niall is bouncing Lou’s daughter in his lap while talking animatedly about football with her husband. 

 

Once Zayn’s hair is perfectly coifed he’s sent up to his room to put on his tux and he goes easily, always one for moving with the flow of things. He hasn’t even had time to think about Liam but as the ceremony approaches quicker and quicker the thought of him inches closer and closer to the forefront of Zayn’s mind until his thoughts are steady stream of _Liam, Liam, ohmygod, Liam’s gonna be here, what do I do,_ how _do I act ohmygod._

  

He nearly jumps when there’s a knock at his bedroom door. It’s Niall, who he was not expecting at all because Niall never knocks. 

 

“Louis said be in his room in five minutes or die, think he needs help with his tie or summat. Also do you mind if I hide out up here, Daisy is getting a bit too serious about this crush thing since I put my suit on, I’m kind of scared she’s gonna cling to my leg and never let go.” Zayn chuckles lightly, happy to be pulled from his thoughts and amused by Niall being scared a child.

 

“Yeah, mate go for it.” Zayn says as he walks past Niall and claps a hand on his shoulder.

 

He finds Louis looking frustratedly at himself in the mirror and pulling at his tie to the point wear he’s nearly strangling himself.

 

“Need some help there?” Zayn asks and takes a cautious step into the room in case Harry is lounging on the bed naked or something equally as horrifying.

 

“It doesn’t look right.” Louis whines and rips the tie off and throws it in Zayn’s face. 

 

“Oh no problem, mate. You’re welcome.” Zayn's quips sarcastically and brings the tie around Louis’ neck, using nimble fingers to loop and tie it properly then turning Louis’ collar down, patting his shoulders gently once he’s finished. 

 

“Thanks.” Louis says like he’s embarrassed and Zayn rolls his eyes, hoping that this will be Louis’ biggest fit of the day.

 

Louis walks to the window and peeks out of the curtain then lets out a shaky breath. 

  
“People are already showing up.” Louis states like it’s daunting and Zayn bites his tongue instead of asking if Liam is one of those people.

 

“Louis, take a breather, bro. I promise you marrying Harry is the easiest thing you’ll  ever do.” Zayn says calmly and Louis turns to face him, shoulders moving up and down with a deep breath. 

  
“Yeah, yeah easy. Easy as cake. Or pie. Whatever.” Louis shakes out his nerves and looks to Zayn with a loaded look. 

 

This is his las moment as an unmarried man, and it’s not like he’s getting cold feet, he’s dreamt of this day since he and Harry met. It’s just such a big milestone in his life, one that he always thought about as a kid but never applied something so mature to himself. Always thought of marriage as something for adults and now he is one. 

 

“I’m proud of you, Lou.” Zayn says softly and hugs Louis tightly.

 

Louis refuses to cry, just sniffles and hold his head up because down stairs is the man of his dreams that he’s about to make his own. Zayn pats him on the back and they both descend the stairs, Louis shouting at Niall to quit being a prick to his sister and come out of Zayn’s room. Louis’ mum cries the minute she sees him, holding him tightly and murmuring that her boys all grown up. Louis squirms under the attention and gets away before he starts crying himself. Zayn wishes him luck as everyone begins to head out to the garden where the ceremony is taking place then follows suit and finds himself sitting next to Niall on the inside of the second row with a seat left open to his right.  

A low drone of excited chatter fills the air and Zayn sits patiently and twiddles his thumbs. He refuses to look back to where the guests are starting to pour in, keeps his gaze straight forward and laughs nervously in response to Niall trying to keep him entertained. He focuses on how lovely everything looks. The group of violinists diagonal from where he’s sat, the fairy lights entwined tastefully at the back of the chairs and the wedding arch. There’s a little cobblestone aisle with candles placed along the sides and the string of tiny roses that connects each row of chairs on the outer end is admittedly cute. Every detail is beautiful and when Louis’ little siblings come to take their seats everyone aws at them and fidgets with anticipation.

 

He’s shaking with nerves and excitement so he turns to Niall for a distraction who happily delves in to boasting about the cake he’s made. Zayn’s nearly forgotten what he was nervous about, legitimately caught up in the prospects of butter to confectioners sugar of icing when Niall’s eyes go wide and he stops talking. Zayn turns around and he knows what he’s going to find but his heart still races when he looks up and sees Liam starting to sit beside him with an unreadable expression on his face. They don’t even have time to talk or at least get out awkward hellos because the violins sound and everyone shuts up and looks to the end of the aisle. 

 

There’s an audible little amazed gasp when everyone sees Harry, dressed in a traditional tux with a pale pink button up and a little white flower tucked into his pocket. He’s got his arm linked with Anne’s and Zayn just knows Harry has mother walk him down the aisle instead of his father because Louis’ couldn’t bother to show. Anne looks elegant in her pale pink dress to match Harry’s shirt and she smiles a teary thing, kisses him on the cheek and takes her seat. 

 

Louis looks just as happy as Harry, failing to keep the dopey smile off his face as his mum walks him down the aisle. He’s dressed in his tux as well except he’s got a white button up and a pale pink flower in his breast pocket. Jay looks just as stunning in her long flowy dress similar to Anne’s. 

 

Zayn keeps sneaking glances at Liam, thankful for his advantage in seating arrangements as Harry’s god daughter walks down the aisle throwing flower petals to the ground. The officiant smiles and clears his throat and the guest turn to the front but Zayn still tries a sideways glance at Liam because he can’t imagine looking at anything else. 

 

Harry tears up while repeating the officiant’s words and Louis squeezes his hand through it all and Zayn can hear the soft happy crying of people around him. Louis and Harry never take their eyes off of each other, Zayn’s actually distracted from looking at Liam for a bit, caught up in seeing who breaks eye contact first but then Louis starts reading his vows in a shaky voice and Zayn almost shoots out of his seat when he feels something brush against his right ankle. His first instinct is to snap his head towards an unsuspecting Liam but as he traces his eyes down he finds Liam’s ankle entwined with his own. 

 

He doesn’t move. Zayn looks straight forward for the rest of the ceremony and doesn’t dare fidget in case he breaks the moment. He feels like his leg is on fire, the first physical contact he’s had with Liam in months and it’s only his bloody ankle. Zayn wants to rest his head on his shoulder, place a hand on his thigh and breath him in because ankles is not enough. If Liam wants to touch Zayn he needs to do it properly and that may be presumptuous but even as the officiant announces the marriage all Zayn can think is that he wants more and yet he never wants to leave this seat. 

 

Niall stands and tells Zayn he’s going to the reception tent and Zayn nods distractedly, scared to move as everyone around him except Liam rises. Neither of them turn their heads and Zayn’s mind is moving a mile a minute over what this could mean, what this means for them because he want nothing more than to tackle Liam to the ground and kiss his stupid face but he’s also got a million voices telling him to stay put and that if Liam wants to talk then they’ll talk.

 

Gradually the crowd of guests thins out and both Liam and Zayn stay planted firmly in their seats, refusing to get up and forcing everyone to walk out the other end of the row of seats. Liam’s left ankle still hooked safely under Zayn’s right and he refuses to break, is too scared to turn his head and look at Liam and either have his dreams of the boy’s health either completely shattered or fulfilled. It’s a fifty fifty chance that Zayn is too afraid to discover the outcome of. 

 

In his peripheral he can tell Liam is doing the same thing for different reasons, never letting his gaze wonder from anywhere but straight forward.The last lingering guests finally make their way to the reception and Zayn looks down to count his breaths and steady himself. He watches as Liam’s foot pulls away as the man rises from his seat and Zayn’s breath catches as he forgets to count while tracing the movement. 

 

Zayn stands and stays stagnant in his place because something is about to happen. Something has to happen, they can’t just go on ignoring each other or whatever it is that they’re doing. Zayn bows his head automatically  because just the feeling of Liam looking him up and down is overwhelming, he couldn’t possibly handle seeing the look in his eyes while he does it. 

 

“Cleaned your tux?” Liam says and Zayn can’t help the small smirk that pulls at his mouth and matches Liam’s.

 

“Y’should’ve seen the look the dry cleaner gave me.” Zayn muses weakly and instantly Liam’s eyes cloud over with darkness and for some reason Zayn feels like he has to explain, like he has to squelch the unnecessary jealousy from Liam’s expression.

 

“Not like- It was some old lady, gave me the evil eye for being a grown man with- that kind of stain needing cleaning.” Zayn doesn’t ever remember being this awkward around Liam, not knowing what to say or how to say it.

 

Liam stays quiet and Zayn knows what he’s waiting for, knows that he just wants Zayn too look him in the eyes and Zayn’s never been one to deny Liam of anything. 

 

Liam looks...alive. He looks healthy, cheeks full and radiant, facial hair trimmed neatly, muscles built and filling out his tux, hair shining, eyes-eyes fucking sparkling with depth and warmness and everything Zayn thought he’d never see in them again. He can feel his eyes pricking with tears he’s so relieved, so proud of Liam for getting help and sticking to it.

 

“You look good.” Zayn says, breaks his dreamy gaze into Liam’s eyes and toes at the ground because he can’t handle it, the overwhelming beauty that is Liam Payne.

 

“Bambi.” Liam says, voice gravely and he doesn’t sound too far from tears himself, and Zayn’s entire body reignites from the barely glowing embers it was two seconds ago.

 

Zayn barely gets the chance to look up before Liam is grasping his face with both hands and pulling him into a surprisingly gentle and slow kiss. He makes a shocked sound that’s cut off by a moan because all he can feel is the familiar rub of Liam’s beard, the warmth of his pink lips, and caress of his thumb against Zayn’s cheekbone. He kisses back for not long enough before he gathers his sense and pulls away panting which is ridiculous because the kiss hadn’t been that deep or intense, Liam must literally take his breath away.

 

“We can’t,” Zayn breathes, “We have to talk- about, about-” The thought dies and Zayn’s brain may actually be exploding because all that makes sense is Liam, touching Liam, holding Liam, loving Liam.

 

“We will. I promise, we will. Even if this- if we don’t ever see each other again after this I’ll find a way to tell you everything, to explain it all. But, please. Just for tonight can we-” Liam is so frustrated with himself for not being able to articulate his jumbled thoughts but Zayn is still Zayn and Liam is still Liam and he has no problem deciphering the boy’s broken speech,

 

“Yeah. It’s probably reckless and toxic but, yeah.” Zayn says breathlessly and grabs Liam’s hand in a moment of confidence because if this is all he gets, if they only make it one night before falling apart again, he’s going to make the most of it. 

 

“Can I kiss you again?” Liam asks like Zayn would actually ever say no and Zayn responds by pushing up on his toes slightly and pressing his lips to Liam’s chastely then engulfing him in the tightest hug he thinks he’s ever given.

 

They stay like that, in each other’s warm embrace for what must be at least ten minutes, or enough time for the sun to sink below the horizon and the mansion and tents behind them to light up in a soft glow. It looks like a scene from a fairytale, long bits of cream colored tule like fabric and lace swaying slightly in the wind, band playing soft music, castle like mansion in the background, all illuminated by the candles atop of the tables and twig fairly light chandeliers hanging from the roof of the canopy tent.

 

Finally Zayn pulls back slightly, just enough to whisper to Liam that they should probably head over there before the night’s over then kiss his jaw. And he knows he shouldn’t let him fall into this so easily, knows that he should make Liam earn his trust again and prove to him that he’s actually trying now, that they should probably asses what the other expects from this before diving any deeper. But in this moment Zayn wants Liam and Liam wants Zayn and thats all he’s ever known, all that’s ever made sense.

 

They walk hand in hand to their seats, and somehow they’ve coincidentally been sat right next to one another. Harry’s hopeless romantic heart will be in overdrive when he sees them together. It isn’t until Liam squeezes his hand one last time before letting go to pull Zayn’s chair out for him that Zayn actually becomes aware of it. He’d seen the shiny band on Liam’s fourth finger, felt it’s cool touch but not once did he think anything of it. Not once did he think it odd or out of place for Liam to be wearing his engagement ring, but it is isn’t it? Or it should be. Zayn really isn’t one to talk, he has his ring buried in his pocket.

 

Liam must notice Zayn’s discovery because he visibly shrinks, makes to remove the silver band but Zayn clutches his wrist and shakes his head because apparently he’s lost all sense of control. He digs into his pocket and place his ring in Liam’s hand and god Liam must be so insecure right now because his face falls and he accepts the ring like Zayn’s giving him the thing back to pawn or something.

 

Zayn sticks out his left hand and places it over Liam’s, levels him a look that he copes conveys how much he wants this, needs this even if only for the short time they’ve given themselves. He sees the moment when Liam understand, watches as his jaw drops slightly and his eyes get just a little wider and fill with unguarded love, watches as Liam shakily takes his left hand and slides the ring down his fourth finger back to it’s rightful place. 

 

“I still love you.” Liam says with tears pooling in his eyes, “I don’t know what the boundaries are, if I should say it, I know I don’t deserve to but, I do. Still love you, never stopped.” A single tear falls down Liam’s right cheek and Zayn instantly moves to wipe it away. 

 

“Liam, I love you. I always will love you but,” Zayn takes a quick in take of breath and Liam looks at him with so much love that it hurts, the words he’s about to say hurt, “I don’t know. We’ve gotta see what’s changed, we’re different people now and we need to give ourselves time to see if we’re in love with these versions of each other.” 

 

Liam looks crestfallen but understanding as he nods and presses a kiss to Zayn’s cheek. It’s then that Harry makes his rounds to their otherwise empty table. There’s a place setting for Niall and Stan and some person that must be Stan’s girlfriend but they’re all either dancing or socializing.

 

“Liam!” Harry says excitedly and Liam stands to greet him, “You look fantastic, mate.” Harry says and crushes Liam in a hug that Liam reciprocates just as fiercely. 

 

Zayn has so much to thank Harry for, Liam probably wouldn’t be where he is now if it weren’t for Harry stepping up and being an amazing friend.

 

“Not so bad yourself, H, you’re glowing.” Liam says fondly and Harry’s smile grows, dimple sinking even deeper.

 

“C’mon, lovebirds, the dance floor is calling you names!” Harry announces and takes both of their hands to pull them up and over. 

 

There’s a moment where Liam looks to Zayn, like he’s afraid Harry’s term of endearment will scare him away. Zayn just smiles back an winks at Liam, thinking he’s not anywhere near drunk enough to be dancing but doesn’t voice it because he’s still not sure what he can and can’t say around Liam in regards to alcohol.

 

Harry flits away to the next table in an attempt to charm every single guest onto the dance floor. The tinkling of Louis’ younger sibling’s giggles fill the room along with the soft instrumental folk band playing on a small stage. He swears he can hear Louis and Harry’s mothers crying tears of happiness to each other somewhere in the vicinity but he could be imagining it. He sees Louis standing around a group of chatty people, completely distracted with eyes locked on Harry across the room, a soft look of pride and accomplishment flooding his face. Zayn's smiles softly at all of it, at the life his best mate has made for himself, at the two families intermingling with joy because Harry and Louis are so in love.

 

Liam places a hesitant hand on Zayn’s lower back, and Zayn’s suddenly aware of the change in music as all instruments fade away except for a lone, softly playing acoustic guitar. Zayn clings to Liam, rest his head on his shoulder, hooks an arm around his neck and grabs his hand in some semblance of slow dance. They sway back and forth and Zayn squeezes his eyes shut tight and breathes in Liam, he smells different now, like fresh cologne and a shampoo Zayn doesn’t recognize. He never realized how much they’d have to relearn each other, how many little things have changed in just a few months. He’s willing though, he’s willing to never let Liam out of sights again and learn everything new the boy has to offer.  

 

Zayn kisses Liam’s neck and feels him shutter at the contact, feels Liam’s hand relax on his back on drift down a few centimeters. Zayn opens his eyes and is instantly met by Louis’ stare, they exchange a moment of uncertainty and the last thing Zayn expects Louis to do when he rubs comfortingly up and down Liam’s back is to soften completely, face melting into a soft smile as he gives Zayn a small thumbs up and winks before seeking out Harry. 

 

“I miss you.” Zayn whispers and feels Liam swallow slowly. 

 

“I miss you too.” Liam says weakly and dear god Zayn just wants to drag him into the mansion and lay him out and reacquaint himself with Liam’s body, work him up slowly and lovingly and kiss him through it all. 

 

The music cuts out too soon and everyone is asked to be seated so the grooms and groomsman and woman can give their speeches. There’s a long table at the front adorned with flowers and wine glasses and a a table cloth with intricate patterns embroidered on it. Harry’s got his sister next to his side because he apparently he doesn’t believe in choosing favorites so he decided he wouldn’t hurt anyones feeling if he chose his sister. Louis’ got stan on his other side and his mother the next seat down so Harry’s mother and she are sat like proud, regal book ends to a table full of attractive people. 

 

Stan and Gemma give heartfelt and funny speeches about memories and love and the crowd laughs along at that the stories they tell. Then Harry silently cries through his speech about wanting to spend forever with Louis, about being so lucky and thankful for such an amazing husband and the entire room is bawling because it’s so genuine he overwhelms everyone with their love. Louis’ speech offers some sense of comic relief and he mentions his mates, name drops Zayn a few times, and how they helped him become the man he is so he could love Harry properly so Zayn decides it’s enough to forgive Louis over the whole best man thing. 

 

“...and I can’t wait to experience every little bit of life with you. Even the boring stuff like going to the market with our baby so you can pick out all of your organic farm food because I know you’ll allow nothing but the best for a Tomlinson.” And then Harry’s crying again and Louis takes his hand and bends to kiss the top of Harry’s head which for some reason makes everyone start crying again. 

 

Zayn turns to look at Liam, squeezes his hand when he finds the boy with a trembling lip and leans in to kiss away the oncoming tears. 

 

“That’s the great thing about love, when it’s genuine and true, it doesn’t matter what you do together or what you go through,” Louis swallows and looks to Zayn on his breath in,”because it’ll always work out in the end.”

 

Everyone claps softly and clinks their glasses and wipes happy tears from their  faces. Zayn rubs his thumb up and down the back of Liam’s hand and they completely ignore the delectable looking food that has been set before them by a waiter. Zayn can’t stop looking at Liam, can’t stop marveling over how much he’s grown as a person in just one month. He always knew Liam had it in him, but seeing it in the flesh just makes it so much better.

 

Louis and Harry feed each other and coo over nothing and everyone goes back to their conversations. Niall is talking to a very uninterested Stan’s girlfriend about how to properly grill chicken and Zayn finds himself scooting closer and closer to Liam until they’re sharing a chair, Liam’s arm looped around Zayn’s stomach and Zayn leaning back into the familiar mold of Liam.

 

“I should advise you not to move around too much.” Liam says lowly in Zayn’s ear and it should make him nervous, mentioning anything sexual but he barks a laugh and blushes when a few guests turn their heads to look at them.

 

“Same goes for you, babes.”  He can feel Liam freeze beneath him, and he thinks for a second that he’s really fucked it all up by using the old term of endearment but then Liam is dumping Zayn into his own chair and adjusting himself and Zayn’s somehow amazed that he still has this sort of effect on Liam.

 

“Where are you staying tonight?” Zayn's asks and it’s a toxic idea, he really shouldn’t be so bold and reckless because he could end up regretting this completely.

 

“If Harry had anything to do with it then the room next to yours I should imagine.” Liam smiles shyly and Zayn nods and drops it their, there isn’t really a need to, they both know what the other wants.

 

The reception is magnificent and terribly long. It’s an entire hour later before the cake is cut and Niall cheers for himself when everyone enjoys it and gives a death glare when Louis smears some on Harry’s face which turns into an all out two man food fight aimed strictly at the face. Then it isn’t until an hour after _that_ that Louis and Harry dismiss their guests and ride away in Harry’s Range Rover to wherever it is they’re going, probably the legendary bungalow. Zayn just glad they aren’t staying at the mansion with everyone else because he has no intent to accidentally walk in on whatever kinky shit they’re in to.

 

Louis’ family goes in first, little ones tired out from a long day of celebration and Harry’s family follows shortly after looking just as exhausted and blissful. Niall and Stan are the only ones left to go in, everyone else headed home. They’re in some deep conversation about laddy things and Stan’s girlfriend, bless her heart, is sitting through it all with a polite smile on her face.

 

“Well, it’s been a lovely day. I’m knackered, see you in the morning.” Zayn says and stands from his seat, Liam becoming alert at the loss of warmth.

 

“Aw c’mon, we were just about to go get the football Louis brought and have a kick around. We’ll have uneven teams if you leave.” Niall begs and Zayn’s about to give some poor excuse when Liam speaks up.

 

“Actually I’m headed up to bed too, nice catching up with you lads.” Liam stands and yawns and stretches theatrically and Niall slumps in his seat and Zayn waits for a crude joke about both him and Liam going to bed that never comes.

 

They walk up the stairs in silence, hearts quietly rabbiting. When they reach the third floor they stay at the top of the staircase, hesitant to move. 

 

“My uh, my room’s down to the left, we can talk or-” Liam fidgets nervously, rubs the fabric of the bottom of his blazer in between his thumb and forefinger and that’s what pushes Zayn over the edge. 

 

The little ghost of a nervous habit that Liam’s had since he was just a teenager sparks a fire in Zayn because it’s hope that they’re just the same two people in love that they were from the start.

 

Zayn doesn’t bother with words, instead he flings himself at Liam and kisses him the way he’s wanted to all night, deep and passionate and unguarded. He grips the back of Liam’s neck and pulls him into a kiss that Liam reciprocates instantly. Liam doesn’t waste time in leading him back to his room and Zayn moans at the fact that they’re the only ones on the floor, that they can be loud and bump into walls and other doors and giggle into each other’s mouths without interruption. 

 

They make it to Liam’s room and Zayn is spun around so his back is pressed agains the door. He knows Liam is afraid to turn the door handle and be in a room with a bed where things can either go terribly wrong or perfectly right. Zayn reaches for the handle himself, removing his hand from Liam’s arse to feel the door behind him but stops instantly when Liam pulls away from the kiss and leans his head on the door beside Zayn’s.

  
“I want you to know I’m sorry. Before we do this I need you to know that I’ll never forgive myself for putting you through everything I did and I’m so, so fucking sorry.” Liam whispers, breath catching like he’s holding back tears and Zayn can feel how tense he is, how he’s scrunching his eyes shut and not daring to open them to reality.

 

“I know.” Zayn says quietly because he’s not sure he can forgive Liam quite just yet but he does know that he’s sorry. 

 

It goes slower after that. Liam opens the door and holds Zayn’s hand while leading him to the bed. He sits at the foot of it and brings Zayn’s legs up to straddle his own then takes Zayn’s face in his hands and kisses every inch of it. His eye lids, his nose, his chin, and each corner of his mouth and Zayn grinds down slowly the whole time.

 

“I love you,” Liam murmurs after every kiss and then finally presses his lips to Zayn’s again.

 

Zayn guides Liam down until his back is pressed against the mattress and rucks up his shirt so he can kiss and nip up and down Liam’s torso. Liam’s already heaving, chest moving up and down deeply and his abs clenching and oh god his abs are defined again. Zayn unbuttons Liam’s trousers but doesn’t make any moves further than that because he can’t seem to keep his mouth off of the boy for more than a second. Liam has alway been one to move Zayn around, has always been marveled by the boy’s lack of weight compared to his own strong muscles so it’s not a surprise when Liam flips Zayn over in one swift move. 

 

Zayn scoots up the bed and keeps his thumb and forefinger on Liam’s chin, guiding him up with him while kissing him repeatedly. Liam shrugs off his own suit and unbuttons Zayn’s shirt carefully, stripping them both carefully and quickly until they’re both in their briefs and panting with anticipation. Zayn wants this slow, he really does, but he also really wants Liam to touch him now. He ruts up and sucks a mark high on Liam’s neck which seems to get the message across because then Liam is moving down Zayn’s body, kissing everyone of his tattoos and leaving love bites as he goes and then all Zayn feels is the teasing wet warmth of Liam mouthing at Zayn’s cock through his briefs. 

 

“This okay, Bambi?” Liam asks and Zayn looks down at him then throws his head back and closes his eyes trying to think of when Liam sucking him off would ever _not_ be okay.

 

“Yeah, yes, Li. Please, babe just-” Liam nods and pulls the band of Zayn’s briefs down slowly so his hard cock springs out and Liam barely gets the things off before he takes Zayn in his mouth and hollows out his cheeks.

 

Zayn can’t look, if he sees it, sees himself in Liam’s mouth then he won’t be able to handle it and he really would like this to last more than five seconds. He grips the sheets in one hand and digs his nails into his palm with the other to distract himself from how good Liam’s mouth feels, soft and warm and wet and working like magic as he mouths at the head of Zayn’s cock and licks a stripe up the bottom in the way he knows makes Zayn come undone every time.

 

Liam moves his hand up to feel Zayn’s balls and Zayn’s hand flies down and grips Liam’s before he can get any further.

 

“Too much, not yet.” Zayn pants and Liam nods in understanding with Zayn still in his mouth and damnit Zayn’s meant to be keeping his eyes shut and then a thought dawns on Zayn that he really should’ve considered before they started this.

“ _Shit_ did you- Li, come up for air for a se-second would you?” Zayn says and Liam huffs a laugh as pulls off and crawls up Zayn’s body, folding his arms over Zayn’s chest and resting his chin on them, feigning innocence as he blinks with his big eyes full of a questioning look.

 

Zayn reaches up to card a hand through Liam’s freshly trimmed hair, it’s so ridiculously gentle and tender for how hard they both are. 

 

“Did you bring condoms or at least lube?” Zayn asks desperately and Liam presses a wet kiss over Zayn’s heart and Zayn wonders if Liam’s even paying attention.

 

“No,” Liam says between a kiss and Zayn almost whines and starts thinking up improvisations that he knows won’t work, “But Harry decided to be presumptuous and there was a bottle of lube and an entire box of condoms on my bed when I got here.”

 

Zayn laughs hysterically and he really owes Harry an entire tab of thank yous for all the great things he does. 

 

“Remind me to send Harry a fruit basket.” Zayn says and Liam erupts with a laugh and gets on all fours to reach for the bedside table.

  
He pulls open the drawer and Zayn swears it shines like a beacon of light because he was not about to get off just by humping Liam after months of nothing. Liam comes back with just the bottle of lube and Zayn realizes that’s his way of saying he hasn't slept with anyone in the months they’ve been apart and Zayn’s heart is overwhelmed with love.

 

“Me either,” Zayn shakes his head, “Just you.” And then it’s intense again.

 

Zayn’s cursing and gasping for air and Liam’s got two fingers lubed up and working in out of him so slowly, like he’s afraid Zayn won’t be able to take after their time apart. Liam kisses him the whole time, like Zayn’s not sure if Liam’s lips actually ever leave his skin. Liam adds a third finger and Zayn nods frantically because he knows Liam’s about to ask if he’s okay and he is definitely fantastic. 

 

Liam pulls his fingers out just as Zayn’s about to tell him to hurry the hell up before he comes and Zayn doesn’t think there’s any other person on earth that sex could be this great with. They know each other’s bodies by instinct and always give and take without even having to ask because they just _know._

 

Liam pulls Zayn’s right leg up and rests it on his shoulder and is just about to press in when he catches sight of the little x still on his ankle and Liam’s mouth opens like he’s about to say something but nothing comes out. Instead he presses a kiss to it then to Zayn’s forehead then finally his mouth. Liam focuses on Zayn’s eyes as he slowly thrusts into him, breath catching and Zayn rolls his head to the side as his eyes roll to the back of his head in pleasure because Liam is inside of him, Liam is filling him up and saying how much he loves him and Zayn is seeing stars.

“I love you, so much Liam. I love you.” Zayn says through his breaths and Liam kisses the words right out of his mouth as he thrusts, picking up the pace and Zayn reaches up to hold Liam’s cheek because he needs to touch, needs a reminder that this is Liam, that this is happening, even if he regrets it in a week and they don’t work out, this moment is happening and it’s perfect.

 

Liam’s head hangs and he bites Zayn’s shoulder playfully which only makes Zayn arch his back and the angle does it, Liam hits Zayn prostate over and over again and Zayn scratches down his back relentlessly. Liam must be making an entire collage of bruises the way he’s going at Zayn’s neck and Zayn wants a million marks to remember this by so he only encourages it, moaning loudly bucking his hips every time Liam sinks down to make a new one. 

 

Zayn can feel Liam nosing into his neck and somewhere along the way that became and apparently still is Liam’s way of telling Zayn he’s close to coming. His thoughts are affirmed when Liam reaches between them to fist at Zayn’s cock and stroke up and down and the stimulation pushes Zayn over the edge, shouting Liam’s name and that’s apparently all it takes for Liam because he gives Zayn a quick and desperate look to see if it’s okay then buries himself deep in Zayn and comes. It feels like Zayn is coming for ages, thick spurts spilling onto his stomach and chest and they both took a good ten minutes to ride out their highs and come back down because that has got to be the most intense orgasm Zayn’s ever had and judging by Liam’s blown out pupils, the same goes for him. 

 

Liam leaves Zayn a boneless mess on the bed and comes back with a warm wet towel in his hands as he wipes them both clean and lifts the covers up for Zayn to crawl under. Liam slides in next to him, placing the towel around Zayn’s waist, carefully avoiding his sensitive cock and then pulls the blankets up over their shoulders. He strokes Zayn’s face gently, blinking slowly and breath finally calming. 

 

“I forgive you.” Zayn says in a hushed tone and Liam’s eyebrows furrow and he shakes his head in disapproval.

  
“No. Just think about it some more, don’t make that decision like this.” Liam kisses Zayn’s forehead and yawns tiredly.

 

Zayn doesn’t argue because he sees the logic in Liam’s words, understands what the boy means but he knows he won’t change his mind come morning. He’s never even blamed Liam, knows its the addiction that made him act that way but if Liam wants him to think about it then he’ll at least pretend to. 

 

Zayn pushes a leg between Liam’s and rubs his foot up and down his calf and it’s so intimate, the way they’re cuddling in such a loud silence because they both want to shout at the rooftops how much they love each other but they also don’t want to break the moment. 

 

“I love you, Liam.” Zayn mutters because he can feel himself drifting off to sleep and he needs to say as many times as he can before sleep pulls him under and into the reality of the morning after.

 

“I love you, Zayn.” Liam says it like a promise and Zayn doesn’t doubt it’s one he can keep.

 

Zayn drifts in and out of consciousness, desperate to keep looking at Liam and wanting to stay up and experience the long forgotten warmth of a warm body beside him. Liam must be doing the same because every time Zayn thinks he’s sound asleep he scoots closer holds Zayn tighter like he’s afraid he might slip away and Zayn feels so guilty over how rational the fear is.

 

When morning comes it’s with chirping birds and the streaming of sunlight through the curtains in the window. Liam is still clinging to Zayn’s side except he’s managed to slide down so his face is pressed into Zayn’s ribs. Zayn brings a hand up to brush through Liam’s hair and pet over his cheek in an attempt to slowly wake him up and when he does it’s something glorious. His eyes widen like he’s realizing last night wasn’t a dream and Zayn knows the feeling. Liam scoots up the bed and leans over Zayn slightly, resting his weight on one elbow and bringing his other arm up to rest on Zayn’s chest as he ghosts his fingers over his work of love bites an Zayn’s heart flutters with love. 

 

“G’morning,” Zayn breaks the silence and his voice is completely shot, he doesn’t miss Liam’s smug smirk, the light reflecting from his warm eyes softening the effect.

 

“Morning, love.” Liam croaks and rolls off of Zayn and it feels like a weights been lifted with the realization that they’re going to do this, that it wasn’t just a night of passion but a reunion of sorts.

 

“M’gonna shower.” Zayn declares and scrunches up his nose at the stale smell and leftover substances of last night.

 

“M’kay,” Liam leans over and kisses Zayn’s cheek and he blushes when he notices Liam blushing, “I’m just gonna brush my teeth real quick.”

 

Liam follows Zayn to the bathroom down the hall and Zayn pouts a bit to himself when Liam really only brushes his teeth instead of joining him. Maybe that’s something they should build up to again, Zayn’s not really sure what the protocol is for this situation but he sees it as a plus that they’re respecting each other’s non existent boundaries.

 

Zayn takes his time scrubbing himself clean with the mint scented body wash provided and rinses his hair out. Wonders momentarily how Harry and Louis are doing in Fiji but then he remembers that he’s got Liam waiting for him and decides a thirty minute shower is enough relaxing. He towels himself off and smiles when he sees the pile of clothes Liam’s left him, a big comfy batman T-shirt and a pair of grey joggers that he dresses himself in far too eagerly for nine in the morning. 

 

When he heads back to Liam’s room he has a bounce in his step and probably a goofy smile on his face because this is simpler than his fears led him to believe. This is him and Liam, Liam getting healthier, Zayn taking time for his art and now they’re doing that together. 

 

Zayn pushes the door open and his jaw drops when he sees Liam, with a breakfast set on the end of the bed. Trays full of juice and toast and sausage and diced potatoes and eggs and pancakes and everything Zayn loves. There’s even a little flower adorning the tray and Zayn looks up from it all to find Liam sitting in the bed, looking nervous and bashful and Zayn has to shake his head clear of all his dirty thought before walking up beside Liam and kissing him gratefully. 

 

“Thank you.” Zayn says sincerely and Liam shrugs, says something about Louis’ mum doing all the work but Zayn ignores it. 

 

Liam kisses Zayn chastely one last time before patting the empty bed beside him and Zayn slides in, careful of the potential mess of spilled trays of breakfast. 

 

Liam turns the tv off and looks down at his lap like he’s thinking long and hard about what he’s trying to say, Zayn almost helps him out, is about to say he loves him or ask him how he’s been doing when Liam speaks up and steals every breath from Zayn with his words.

 

“So... About this past year,” Liam starts explaining just like he promised.

 

And Zayn thinks with a fond warmth in his chest and an ever growing love for Liam, that maybe there was never any real doubt in the universe that they’d end up together again.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hope you all enjoyed. I can't believe it's finally finished but who knows, maybe one day I'll be impulsive and write a sequel. Thank you for reading xx
> 
> If you have any questions about this fic or any submissions for it then visit my tumblr here: http://badzayn.tumblr.com or George's here: http://evilcouture.tumblr.com
> 
> I decided to make a list of all the songs I listened to on repeat to get inspiration for this fic, it's not in order to the story line but they're just songs that remind of this au and inspired me to write it:
> 
> Beyoncè- Drunk In Love (obviously)  
> Rihanna- We Found Love (music video)  
> Aluna George- Superstar  
> Sky Ferreira- Sad Dream  
> Ellie Goulding- I Know You Care  
> Banks- Drowning  
> Banks- Change  
> Banks- Before I Ever Met You (pretty much anything by Banks actually)  
> Lily Allen- Take My Place  
> Naughty Boy, Mic Righteous, Maiday- One way  
> Sia- Chandelier  
> Naughty Boy, Sam Romans-Home, Sam Romans (if fics had ending credits I imagine this playing while they roll)  
> Coldplay- O  
> Coldplay- Tattoo (basically the premise of the entirety of Ghost Stories is perfect for this fic)  
> Coldplay- Sky Full of Stars (this would also play in the credits)

**Author's Note:**

> If you are a sap and wish for a happy ending then please do inform me. I split the fic to where those who wanted a sad ending (because they are my guilty pleasure) could stop reading. If you wish to read the continuation of this fic then let me know and I will upload it as a two shot part! Thanks for reading :)
> 
>  


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